I just thought I'd write a little bit before going to bed. I'm half-watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Paula Poundstone. I almost always am a huge fan of this show and am glued to it, but this one's really boring. I'm surprised, too, because I'm usually strangely infatuated with the life stories of gay (or gay-seeming, as Paula is) people. Hmm.

I was talking over IM to Angelina earlier, saying I think I am in the gap between two major moments in my life. I think it's finally time for things to stop being shitty and to start getting really awesome. I don't know...things haven't been shitty, per se, but I feel as though on many levels I've just been EXISTING, not really LIVING, you know? I'm going to start living really soon. I just think so many amazing things are set to happen. My family relationships are becoming so fulfilling. Ruth and I are so close that it's amazing. We were talking on the phone today, and we just gush to each other about how in love we are. I am so close to her, and I need her so much in my life, and I know she needs me, too. Dave and I are managing to get even closer, though I didn't think it was possible. All this letter-writing is really changing people. It's forcing us to all examine our feelings toward one another. Well, EXCEPT my brother Dan. I feel so hopeless toward him. He wrote his letters in just a couple hours' time. They aren't even a full page long. I promised I'd not read the letters, but I read Dan's. And they are very like, "You're a good person. You're going to go far in life." I was talking to Ruthie about it. We both hope that once he reads everyone's letters to him and sees the way we're all opening up to one another that he'll finally back down and...I don't know...FEEL something. He has this huge, thick wall around him all the time. He never looks anyone in the eye. I just wonder what's WRONG with him. I hope it changes. I love him and want to be a part of his life. I'm so excited about all the things I'm putting in the family binders. I keep finding more things to add! I am going to have everyone's letters, song lyrics to the songs on the CD I made for the family, and I went to Walgreens today and got copies made of old and new family pictures (not realizing how UTTERLY EXPENSIVE it would be, but well worth the money)...I also printed out poems I'd written about mom and dad. I didn't print out the Ruthie poems because I don't have poems for the other family members. AHHHH, I'm just excited! I feel like...a strange calling to help our family stop the bullshit. I wonder if it's one of my life PURPOSES. Hmm.

Another thing that goes with being in "the gap" is that I passed Psychology. This accomplishment gave me a hugely new outlook on myself. Throughout my entire life, I have always felt just one step behind everyone else. It's kind of the eternal "laughing at jokes you don't understand just to not look stupid" syndrome...I always feel like THAT girl, you know? The girl who started French rolling her jeans too late...hehe.

Another thing is that I'm starting to realize how rewarding it is to be yourself no matter what. A lot of people are freaked out by telling people exactly how they feel. I've decided to start being completely honest. For instance, I was talking to my friend Mae on the phone the other day. All this warmth was coursing through me while talking to her because we just click on everything. We see life the same way, we have the same philosophies, we have the same dreams, we are pissed about the same things...and I, instead of going into self-protection mode, decided to tell her exactly how happy she's made me by saying, "I really want to develop a close friendship with you. We click really well. Let's start hanging out." And she was really receptive. I think that even if people get freaked out at your showing how much you care about them that they deep down are really appreciative of it and will begin expressing their honest feelings in return. So I've been extra super honest toward people about my love for them lately, and it's been really good for me. The people are happy, and they start gushing about the wonderfulness of me, too, which is a little added bonus. = )

Gosh, I don't even know what else...I just have a gut feeling that life's gonna be good real soon. It's already getting good.

My coworker Rob asked me the other day if I'd be interested in reading his notebook of poetry and writings and stuff. I said, of course, that I would. I get REALLY excited when people want to share their writings with me because such instances are VERY rare. I got all excited to him and was like, "I'll give you some of my poetry to read, too!" So I printed him out some of my favorites of mine. He gave me his notebook the next day, and I read it during work. He and I are really a lot alike. We think the same way about things. The scary thing is that he's only 16. As a consequence of reading his writing, I now have confirmed that I have an enormous crush on him. I guess it wouldn't be as big of a deal if he were 22 and I were 26, but it's feeling kind of creepy right now. We grew up together. He was my brother Dave's neighbor until maybe three weeks ago. He and I used to play together with Chris and Matt. We'd like swim together in Chris and Matt's pool and try to make a whirl pool. Even though it was not possible to make a whirl pool, we kept trying. We were stupid. Anyway, he wrote all these poems about dissing organized religion. He wrote a little explanation of Adam and Eve that I totally think is whack, but it was really creative. He wrote KoRn-ish "I hate my parents" stuff, but I could tell he wasn't really writing it on a personal level because his parents are pretty cool. The most touching, though, was this poem he wrote for his girlfriend. I wonder how much of the poem is actually true. It was one of the most passionate things I've ever read. It described an intimate encounter between them that in the back of my mind I hope hasn't happened. He describes it in the most romantic, un-perverted-guy way possible. Then he writes about them sharing in some sort of physical moment in public and not caring who was watching. He wrote about her being on his mind all the time and haunting him. I was reading it and just like...aching at the fact that no man is EVER going to write me a poem like this! Well, I shouldn't say that because if I believe it won't happen then it won't. But I ache for a man to feel this way about me, a guy I feel that way about, at least...mmm, I wish I'd have Xeroxed the poem. And just seeing it written in his barely-legible handwriting. Sometimes I forget that I am actually attracted to men, but Rob has reminded me. I just have not been attracted to any of the men I've met in the past 2 or so years, that's all. = ) I need one with passion. Oh yeah, Rob's friends wrote a couple things in the notebook, too. One of his friends was writing about how each of them "get by" in life. For instance, he was saying how one of them just sits around in his room all day and beats off. (I laughed out loud at this.) And then for Rob, he said that he sits around getting high and listening to music. This kind of bothered me, and I don't know why! It's very obvious that all his friends are pot-heads, and when you hang out with all pot-heads, you usually become one, especially if you're an impressionable 16. I doubt he smokes pot anymore because he had part of his lung removed last month. He was VERY VERY sick. I think he was on bed rest for maybe a month. He could have died. I don't know...I kind of wish he'd get better friends. His friend group reminds me of like Kurt Cobain and Krist Novaselic (wow, I forget how to spell his last name after all these years!) and all the other posse when they were in high school and were the outcasts and whatnot (how they were made out to be in the Nirvana biography), but Rob's so above that. I don't know...I always glamourize everything too much.

Well, I'm going to sleep now. I'm going out to eat with one of my friends tomorrow that I don't ever really hang out with. I'm kind of nervous about it, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know he kind of has feelings for me. He's eccentric...but so am I...so I don't know. Hmm. Goodnight.

<~~~