I'm talking to a guy who went to my high school on IM right now. I can never, ever understand where that boy is coming from. He's asking me advice on how to dump his girlfriend. He just BOTHERS ME. He's so manipulative. Yet he's on this religious journey to be a good person, and he's all Jesus Christ-happy and Catholicism-obsessed...ugh, I just don't know. Maybe I just don't understand men. He claims to not be attracted to this girl and that she's "not his type," yet he's let her do all this sexual stuff to him, blaming his inability to tell her "no" on "hormones." I know we all have this inherent sex drive and all, but we also have SELF-CONTROL. We have consciences and freedom of choice. Even the millisecond before you're about to do something sexual, you still have the power to say "no." My mother raised me with this scare-tactic notion that once you do this or that with a guy, it is the "point of no return," so to speak. For instance, she tried to tell me that once you French kissed a guy then, oh boy, it was all downhill from there. You'd both get "hot and bothered," and sex would surely follow. Bull crap! No matter how "into things" I've been with any guy, I've always had the wits about me to say "no." Now maybe this changes when you've found the right person for you, or something. Maybe you get so nuts about each other that there's NO self-control. And if that's the case, fine, but this chick isn't his soulmate! Grr, sometimes I wonder if there are any good men left. And I wonder why he asks me advice when everything I'm telling him is not what he wants to hear. He actually is going to take my advice, though, which was to be honest with her. He was trying to think of "an easy way to let her down." Screw that...we need to be honest with one another. "Sorry, you were a piece of ass to me. My conscience has gotten the better of me. See ya." There ya go big boy.

So, not to toot my own horn or anything...but I have adopted this "I am going to be happy and cheerful and giving and love people no matter what" attitude, and I am so reaping the rewards! Sexy men at JCM (yes, they exist) are noticing my fun new attitude, and they're thinking I'm one sexy bitch! I'm having a rather fun time with it. Because the more people and sexy men are realizing how kind and fun I am, the more they are kind and fun to me back, and then I get more confidence and are even MORE kind and fun to them, and then they are even more kind and fun to ME, and the cycle continues. Funny how you realize stupid kindergarten-level life lessons when you're like 20. Mr. Rogers, you have taught me well...fifteen years late.

I know I've said this 15,000 times, but I'm so excited about Christmas and the family stuff. I think it's because the family (except Dan) is so excited about it. Dave talks to me about it constantly...Ruth does, too. And Rose has been taking a lot of time with it. She's also giving us all rosaries, which I think is a hoot. She's recently really found God, and now she's very preachy. And while it can get annoying, I can see the tremendous amount of peace it's giving her since her marriage is less-than-perfect, so I'm all about it. I just feel so much incredible love for people lately. My brother Dave and I really bonded today...I just think he is the most incredible human being on the face of the earth. I wish you could nominate family members for sainthood. Ruth is amazing, too...we're so close. And Rose and I are starting to really make up for lost time. I've realized that as alike as we are, we have this one difference -- she's like...maybe more harsh than I am. "Harsh" is a bad word, though, because it has a negative connotation. And her harshness is sometimes totally awesome because it makes her very strong. Oh well...I know what I mean. I guess that's all that matters. I visited Rose this week, which is nearly a first. I always visit Ruthie because we connect a lot more easily...and she's more open to visitors, I think. But I decided to visit Rose. We ended up sitting around a table -- she, Kevin, their friend Angela, and I -- and talking about mom's forgetfulness. It really worries us. It's getting really bad. I don't think anyone knows quite as much as I do since I'm with her the most. I just don't feel as though I can really have a relationship with her anymore. Not having a memory affects every other aspect of your mind...she just feels like a body in the house sometimes...just a body that breathes and moves and eats but doesn't really feel or think. She's like a zombie, a robot. I miss her. Looking back on my childhood, I don't really like the person she was. You're somewhat blind when you're a child, so I didn't really realize what she was doing to herself and her children, but now I see things the way they really were (and are). She has told me that whenever she has dreams about dad, he's always angry at her or ignores her. I wonder if he's up in Heaven wanting to shake her like, "What the hell are you doing, Dotie!" Things would be so much different if he were alive. I wonder what kind of a person I'd be. Because so much of who I am, so much of my strength is from having to stick it out through my strange lifestyle I had growing up. I slept with my mother, in her bed, until age 13. There's obviously something wrong there. I know people in other cultures do it, but not in the good ol' U.S.A. I don't know...enough.

Corey, Karen, Melanie, and I went to Vertigos last night. We had a decent time. To be honest, I almost always have a kind of lousy time at dance clubs because I always am so worried about looking like a big old fat pig out on the dance floor that I suck my stomach in so hard that I feel ill. The idea would be to lose a few lbs. so that I wouldn't HAVE to suck in my stomach all the time; if only it were that simple. God, I always talk about this kind of stuff in my journal. But it's what's on my mind...all...the...time. And I've tried to be more honest in my journal recently. I saw Vertigo girl. I felt a slight comfort in realizing that she's not a very skinny girl, yet she still has lots of people crowding around her. Noticing this makes me see that skinniness or fatness don't necessarily affect how people react to you...your personality and the energy you give off do. The confidence that she gives off is what makes her beautiful. She is what I could be if I would just stop playing the god-damned victim all the time.

I just got back from JCM...mom called me and had me bring in a Christmas card for Henry. She and I both signed it. He had given us a Christmas card. She also bought him a carton of cigarettes. She's really generous. And then she hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and she said, "Go ahead Jeannie. Your turn." So I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He always smells like stale smoke. Just the past week or so I have developed a complete disgust at the act of smoking. I can see how people can smoke, though, because while you're doing it, you don't feel particularly gross or realize how gross your breath tastes and how gross your clothes smell. It's just one of those addictions you don't seem to get anything out of, though. At least with alcoholism, you get to get drunk. At least with hard drugs, you get the satisfaction of having your body feel no pain. At least with food addictions, you get the satisfaction of eating as many Cheetos as you want until you almost puke. But all smoking does is really fulfill a need you created by getting addicted to cigs in the first place. I don't know...I wish everything bad for us would be stuck in a huge time capsule and shot out into space, never to hurt us again.

Anyway, I went out to eat with my friend Jeff the other day. We had a good time. He got me a rose and bought my dinner. And then for Christmas he got me a gift certificate to Borders. While such generosity is nice and makes me happy, it also makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if he's trying to win me over romantically...he has expressed interest in me in that way. He's always complimenting me...telling me I'm pretty and stuff like that. And, while I enjoy the compliments, they make me slightly uncomfortable as well, probably because I wonder if he has alterior motives. I probably should just talk to him about all this, but since he reads my journal, he probably will be finding out pretty soon. I just don't know if I want a man right now. I mean, I do...but I'm in no state to have a relationship at the present moment. I have a lot of Regina stuff to do. To steal a Tony Schwab thing, I am going to date myself for awhile. Ugh, can't believe I just said that...heehee.

Well, it has become obvious that I haven't a damned thing to say...except that I wish Tony would write me back. I feel as though he doesn't care about me...sometimes I wonder if he doesn't just care about himself.

Oh yeah, so lately my urination has been strange. Like the urination itself is fine. But you know how under normal circumstances, you usually start out just barely having to pee, and then it builds and builds until you HAVE TO PEE? Well, lately it's just been skipping those preliminary phases and jumping right to the HAVE TO PEE phase. Hmm. Okay, that's all now.

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