All mom and I have been doing all week is butting heads over God. God would love that fights are continuously had over Him, I'm sure...sigh. I just don't see God in the same way she does. The whole Heaven/Hell thing has never made sense to me. It never made sense to me that God would create people and then put them in a place far, far away from Him (Hell). I think this lack of understanding is the basis for every unsurety I've ever had about God...because it just didn't make SENSE to me that His nature could be the way I just described. But now I am convinced that WE, as HUMANS have created this right/wrong, bad/good, and the whole idea of judgment. Mom can't fathom this. I can't say I blame her, for it is a very freakish idea when all you've been doing all your life is walking on tiptoes around a God you think is going to damn you to Hell. So I always try to say, "What you believe works for you. What I believe works for me. Two different things can be right, you know." But then she won't let it die. She keeps telling me I should be childlike and not question things so much. Well, I've always questioned things. It's my nature. And I think it's a good nature to have, a nature of intelligence...a nature that prevents you from sleepwalking through life, the way I feel some (if not much) of the world does. I don't want to change her into seeing things the way I do. Everything she believes works for her...it gives her peace (kind of...despite her misery). I just want her to accept my way of thinking, as well. Maybe this is wishful thinking.

Last night Andrew and I began speaking again. It was a twisted, roundabout way that it happened. After the keeping-in-contact was resumed, we were chatting on IM last night, and it was just like old times -- the joking and playfulness. I remembered why I liked him so much as a person. He really is quite intelligent. I just love that he has 100% perfect grammar and punctuation. I hope there is another man in the world quite as eloquent, for if he exists, I will grab him and not let him go.

This is going to be a busy week. Tomorrow I'll work out with Lindsey, go to Math, go to a review session for Astronomy, and then go to Abnormal Psychology. Then Jessica and I are hanging out, something I'm looking forward to because hanging out with her gives me the same relief yoga does. Tuesday is my Astronomy test. And I'll have had to have read for Jewish Humor and also have my Geology questionnaire filled out. Then I have to work. Wednesday will be relatively breezy: work out with Lindsey, Math, hour break, Abnormal Psych. Then Liz and I will be going to Weight Watchers in the evening. Thursday I'm going to be at school ALL DAY. I have my Math midterm at 5:00. My last class ends at 3...so I'll get to hang out for two hours. Knowing me I won't have started studying until then. I hate Math. And Friday I won't go to school because I'll only have an Abnormal Psych video to watch. I'm going to work for mom, though, since she will have worked for me Thursday night. Why I have felt the need to outline my entire week, I know not.

I stayed up late last night reading journals I've written...not online, but in actual journals. I have three or four different journals, and each are only a half or quarter full. People always buy me journals! I read entries I wrote even a year ago...I sounded so childlike. Also, all I ever write is how ugly I am. I'm the most negative person. I need to change that. I read a lot of my Jessica stuff...it's amazing how much pain I was enduring at that time...from a girl I've never even met. I relived my Tony situation...that was painful as well. It's funny reading about my past because I see so much stress and so many unhealthy coping mechanisms and practices...and I didn't even realize how messed up I was. Sigh. I feel as though I've grown more this year than I have in my entire life combined.

I am listening to Jill Scott MP3s. I may have to download her CD and burn it...she's so relaxing.

Well, I'm going to change my main page to my dream about my dad. I found the journal entry I wrote right after waking up from the dream. I think that dream is in my top 5 defining moments of my life. So it deserves a spot on my main page. I'm a lot happier today, despite mom being displeased at me. She asked me, "What am I going to tell the family if they ask me where you are?" (in church)...I said, "Tell them I didn't go this week."

Jessica was talking about she, Zach, and I having a threesome. This stems from a joke we had last week about my giving her a hicky...I was going to do it (Zach had given her permission to let me), but she said we should wait until Zach was around so he could watch. I don't think she REALLY wants to have a threesome with me, nor do I want to be in a threesome because that's not my thing. But I wouldn't mind kissing Jessica, nor would I mind kissing Zach. They are both very attractive. Now that Jessica's cut her hair, all this beauty I never realized she had has spurted out of her like light.