God...I am SO sick of ALL the shit! I am sick of the self-pitying, depressed, self-loathing, "I have nothing left to live for" crap I've been putting myself through the past month. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to leave my house...where it's hard to get out of bed and even shower and dress myself. I'm sick of it, sick of it, sick of it! This isn't going to be my fate. I'm not going to be some depressed, artsy fartsy person who sits around writing "I like to cut myself" poetry. It's over, over, over...no more bitching about my mom to each and every person who will listen, no more avoiding God because I'm bitter towards "Him" for something that is my own fault, no more fake smiles and "I'm doing great!"...no more doing things I don't want to do just to make other people happy, no more of my horribly tragic, oh-woe-is-me eating disorder shit...it's all over. I'm so sick of it. I don't know what has made all my negativity multiply this past month. There wasn't any central bad thing or anything. I am just ready for it to be over. I've been receiving e-mails from Shannon the past week, about how she thinks everyone hates her...and all of a sudden I've realized, "I am such a petty-ass person! What the hell! Why do I still have the mentality of an adolescent, always wanting some sort of after-school-special drama in my life?" It took Shannon's second e-mail to realize it. To her first e-mail, I replied with a bunch of happy stuff like, "I miss what we used to have" and blah blah. Such is true. But by her second e-mail, I was just like, "Fuck it, I'm going to tell her how I feel instead of telling everyone else how I feel behind her back." I wasn't mean to her. I really don't feel mean-ness towards her. I just feel hopelessness and resentment. I told her every feeling I'm feeling. I don't know if any of it's going to make sense to her...it'll probably just anger her, or she'll pretend it does...because I think she craves that same drama I always want. I just know that I am sick of this shit...it is making me physically ill...I'm having backache, nausea, incredible fatigue, horrible moodiness, some how my vericose veins have doubled in the course of a month...etc. It's funny how you don't realize the mind/body connection until your incredible Anne Sexton-ness brings about bad health. I was driving home today from Lindsey's house...she is the most genuinely happy person I've ever met. And I suddenly just felt a weight off my shoulders, and the words "Let go" came to my head. The yoga people in all my yoga books always say that, "Let go...let go of everything...just let things be." Some how I don't think I ever really understood what that meant. But I do now. So Regina is letting go. I'll let fate and God take over for awhile instead of so harshly trying to control everything. Ahh, to get all that anger out just now...thank the Lord...I was beginning to go grey. (Yes, I realize how much I said "I'm sick of it" in this journal entry. It was stream-of-conscious stuff, man, leave me alone! ~smiles and love to all~)

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