I make myself so sick. Last week, I was successfully eating next to nothing and lost a whole lot of weight...got down lower than I've been in 2 years. When I'd put food in my mouth, I'd get physically ill and would be full after just a couple bites. I remember I was on the way to the mall and was eating Wheat Thins...and I only ate 9 and was full. So it's very possible to shrink your stomach and no longer want to eat. I guess this is how anorexics become the way they are. This week I have been eating everything I can get my hands on. I've made myself so sick. I've been bloated...gassy...lethargic. I've been waking up with every muscle in my body being completely sore. I've had constipation and diarrhea. I have a stomach ache 24 hours a day. I really think that this constant change of diet is sending me to an early grave. Last night was supposed to be my last binge before starting back on the starving thing. But this morning I woke up and started eating everything again, without really even putting any thought into it. I finished eating all that shit about a half hour ago and decided to start a fast. I took a shower so I'd feel clean...eating makes me feel dirty. Now I have that "I need to clean everything out" feeling, so I'll probably OD on laxatives again, like I did last week. After I got out of the shower, I attempted to make myself vomit. I'm usually unsuccessful, but I was somewhat successful today, probably throwing up about 1/10 of what I had. I'll probably see Nathan Thursday night, and I don't want to have any food in my stomach while I'm with him. So I figure I can clean out all of the shit in me right now by then...that's 2 1/2 days away. I know I probably don't look physically different when comparing the me with "food body" (the me that's been eating a lot the past few days) and me with "starve body" (the me that's been eating about 500 cal./day the past few days), but I FEEL different. I'm more confident around him when I'm empty...and I physically feel better and don't have that bloated thing going. He doesn't even care. He knows I have a problem with eating, though I don't think he knows how crazy it makes me. He doesn't even think I need to lose weight. He found out I wasn't eating a lot last week and even said, "I want you to gain 5 lbs. by the time I see you next." (I think I succeeded.) I really only have like 40 or 50 lbs. to lose, which isn't a whole lot. I was talking to a JCM girl yesterday and told her she looked a lot thinner, and it turns out she's lost 20 lbs. in 2 weeks from being sick. I'm sure I could lose that much if I stopped eating. I can always do it for a few days, but then I end up bingeing and gain back the weight I lost. I really need to stop this. I'm scared I'm killing myself. I don't know if starving is the answer...but I know that eating 10,000 calories a day (the way I've probably been doing lately) isn't the answer either. I think I'll eat very little the next couple of weeks, just to lose some quick weight, and then up my calories a bit so that I don't become unhealthy. I don't want to lose my period again, the way I did that one time. I'm wiser now, though, and more careful. I am good about taking vitamins. Why can't I just be normal? Bleck, I hate myself sometimes.