It is July 29 to me because it's 12:39 at night and I've not gone to bed yet, but I'll be correct about things. Again, I have not written in quite some time. Wow, I've been kind of overwhelmed with everything lately. The next few weeks are going to be tedious. I'll be very happy when September is here. I was supposed to be starting 2 summer classes this coming Monday (Aug. 5). Well, my professor of one of them started sending us e-mails about shit last week, giving us homework assignments and telling us to go to blackboard to read about the class...and it sounds HORRIBLE and HARD and something I really don't feel like, especially since I hate research methods and have begun nearly hating Psychology. So I'm dropping it. My other class is just Human Sexuality, so I should be okay. So next week I'll be going to that class every week day until the 27th from 9 in the morning until 11:20. And then I'll still have my same schedule at work: 3-9 three days a week and 2-10 one day...oh, and then my 3-9 Monday shift at JCM. So even on days I work and go to school, I'll have some time to chill in between, every second of which I'll probably spend talking to Nathan on the phone. Then on Aug. 12, I have my first ever gyno appointment. I set it up with Planned Parenthood so my mom wouldn't have to know about any of it...well, not the gyno visit, but that I'm going to go on depo-provera. I wish you could just have sex freely and then choose when you were ready to have kids. I wonder if I'll even be able to orgasm through intercourse. Not an overly large percentage of women can. Anyway, too much info on this stuff. Moving on. (Oh, Aug. 12 is also our 2 month anniversary, by the way. Yay!) Then on the 15th, I move out! I am not overly thrilled at the process of moving. I am taking my old bed, the day bed in my old bedroom, mainly because I don't want to rent a U-Haul for the mere purpose of moving my other bed. That bed has been getting on my nerves lately anyway because I think it's broken or something. And I'm going to take one of my dressers. Those are the main big things. I have my treadmill, but I'm not worrying about moving that yet. I'm working on paying off some bills right now so that I'm okay with my money situation by the time I'm on my own. I should be okay after the next paycheck, a week from Wednesday. So I guess that's it for this month. By September, I'll have my summer class over, and I should be fully moved in and just kind of settled and used to things.

So much of my life is Nathan. We don't see each other a whole lot...maybe 2 or 3 days a week...but we have talked on the phone every day since we met except maybe 2 days. He's always on my mind. We usually talk on the phone before I go to work and then after, sometimes until 4 in the morning. If he's not going to be home when we're supposed to talk for some reason, he'll call me and leave me a message and then make sure there's a time we can talk...he's so considerate...and it's also that I know that he really cares about talking to me and hearing my voice. He really needs me. Last night I was supposed to call him after my mom went to bed (I've been trying to spend quality time with my mom because she's been disagreeable lately)...and mom went to bed at probably 11, but I was just kind of chilling out and writing a letter to my friend, so I figured I'd call him at 12:30 or so. Well at 12 he called and said, "I was just making sure you didn't forget about me." (I could never forget about him!) (Oh my gosh, I just started walking outside to get a CD from my car without pants on, thinking no one would see, but my teenage boy neighbors and their friends were out, so I just screeched and closed the door...haha, I'm such a moron.) (Okay, another parentheses...there's a decent show on MTV right now that has rock music, and the lead singer of Good Charlotte is hosting it. He's so friggin' gorgeous.) Anyway, I wrote Nathan a letter today, telling him that the little things he does mean so much to me...just the fact that he'll call me before I can get a chance to call him most of the time, even if I told him the last time we talked that I'd call him. I remember these games I'd play with my ex-boyfriends...they'd not call when they said they were going to. And I should have probably called them, but I thought that in doing so, it would make me look like the one who cared more. I had a real self-esteem problem and had a huge wall up. But Nathan hasn't had a wall up this whole time...if he knows I'm supposed to call at 2, and it's 2:05...he'll go ahead and call me. I don't know...it seems kind of obsessive, but in all actuality, I like it. He cares about me so much. I never knew I'd find a guy who'd care about me so much and would treat me so wonderfully. He gives me so much confidence in myself. He finds me so attractive...calls me beautiful constantly. He actually likes my body, has even gone so far as to call it perfect. There is so much just...everything...between us--love, passion, such intense feelings. I was with him for 48 hours straight a couple days ago, and it still wasn't enough. He'll walk me to my car, and we'll stand by my car and kiss for 10 minutes...well, we'll kiss for a minute or two, and then he'll stand there, holding me, and just look into my eyes and saying he wishes I didn't have to go. And then we'll kiss some more...and then we'll hug...and then kiss some more...and then talk some more about it sucking that I have to leave. I love the way he looks at me. Our faces will be 2 inches from each other, and he'll brush his nose against mine, like an Eskimo kiss...and I'll almost melt. I'm almost crying writing about it. He has the most beautiful eyes...they're so blue. He was cute when I met him, but he's even cuter now because I've played makeover with him. I bought him some really cute clothes, and he let me highlight his hair the other night and spike it up and make it all messy. And now he wears it like that all the time. The other day we visited his mom's house, and we were sitting on the couch, and he was talking to her...and I just looked over at him, at his profile...and I was overwhelmed at how gorgeous he was and that he's mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself on TV because this just doesn't feel like it could possibly be my life. I never knew I'd be happy and in a loving, "normal" relationship. I'd just kind of given up on it and sealed my fate as being that of myself as a slutty lesbian chick. I can completely be myself around him. Nothing I could ever do would make him not like me. You spend the beginning of your relationship trying to be this pristine, perfect person. But now he's seen me without makeup, in homeless-looking clothes, with my hair not done...legs stubbly...etc. Hell, we had a farting contest the other night...we are that comfortable around each other. (That's a shocker because I hate farting in front of anyone.) The other night I had on "the outfit" (this lingerie thing I bought), and he was going to take my picture in it (something I'm not OVERLY comfortable with, but I trust that he'd not show anyone...and, plus, it's not that skimpy, I guess)...and I wouldn't let him because I didn't have any makeup on...and he was like, "You have on the outfit and won't let me take your picture because you don't have any makeup on?" Like...my makeup or lack thereof makes no diference to him. He will be worried that I'm not eating enough and try to get me to eat lots and lots of food. He doesn't even think I'm overweight. (No, this isn't me asking him, "Am I fat?" and him answering "Of course not." He seriously doesn't see me for what I really am, I don't think!) I wonder what kind of rose-colored glasses he sees me through! He writes me the most incredible love letters. I cry when I read them. He's working on one now, and I can't wait to read it! He wrote me one earlier this week that he never gave me because he said it was stupid and I might get pissed...so of course I had to ask him 100 times what it was about until he told me...he's worried about my living situation coming up because he's scared that when I meet Ryan (dude living with us whom I've not met yet), I'll fall for him...he's so silly! He's a little jealous, but not to the level of annoyancy or over-possessiveness. I had the jealousy thing going for awhile, mainly over his friend Trista who's always calling him up...but I know now that I'm the only one for him. I seriously am starting to wonder if Nathan's the guy I'm going to marry. I just couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I look to my journal entries a couple moneths ago and how unsure I was of my feelings for him...and now he's what I live for. He's so much a part of who I am that I don't know if I'd be the same person without him. Not to change topics, but his mother is so crazy. I feel so sorry for him. She will accuse him of doing things he's never done! She'll go around telling his family that he beats her! One time, while he was living with her a long time ago, she woke up and had forgotten that he went over to his father's house...and she called his dad and said, "Nathan's beating me right now. He's hitting me with a baseball bat." And Nathan was right there next to his father...his dad just laughed and said, "Now, Nathan, stop beating your mother." She called him up while I was there the other day and said she felt guilty so was going to admit to him that she stole 60 bucks from him. (She, in fact, stole more like 300.) But, she said, she's not going to give the money back because it can go toward her medical bills from when he beat her the last time. Sigh...I don't know what she gets out of making up outlandish stories. He doesn't have any real parents, and that really bothers him. His father, for whatever reason, has disowned him. It really hurts him. He has a lot of deep-rooted emotional problems, including depression. He told me today that he might try to get on Zoloft. I don't think it's a bad idea. He's also going to the doctor tomorrow because he's been sick lately. I'm worried about him...he really doesn't take care of himself. I hope the doctor gives him some medicine to get him well again. I don't think he's been that healthy the whole time I've known him.

Anyway, it's 2 in the morning now, so I'm going to go to bed. (I'm taking long to write this because I'm burning CDs at the same time.) I totally burnt myself today cooking. I had oil heating on the stove and then tossed some green peppers in to fry...and the hot oil flew up at me. I have little spots all over me...they look like measles or something. I hope they don't scar. I probably won't write for another month, knowing me. So until then...