Just a quick journal entry before I go to work.

School is out, hallelujah! I only have a Latin final to take on Tuesday, and then I don't have to worry about school again until late September.

Last night I had a few people over. It was a bit of an ordeal at first because one of my friends was going to do ecstasy before coming. I wasn't thoroughly thrilled with the idea because I generally don't like to be around people who are high or drunk, but I figured it would be okay. But then two more people decided they wanted to do some E, too. Well, I had only invited six people. So that would mean that three out of the seven of us were going to be fucked up. I just...didn't want that. So I told them, and they were fine with it. Last night made me realize a lot of things pertaining to drug use. First off, even though I've pledged not to do any drugs or drink or smoke or anything, I figured that maybe I would in the future, mainly because I'm one of those people that goes through different phases and is ever-changing. So I had been talking on the phone with my friend earlier this week and had even said, "I'm sure I'll try ecstasy eventually." But then when I found out that they were going to be on it at my house, I became like...deathly afraid and sick to my stomach. I am seriously afraid of drugs. And it's not because I think you'll die from them or anything. I really don't know why I'm afraid of them. I never realized how much I dislike them until yesterday. I don't like myself when I'm high. I lose all my creativity and ability to be witty and smart and funny. My friend Mae and I were talking on the phone one night, and she said that the people who need drugs to help them produce better art or music or writings are probably the people whose souls aren't developed yet...so they need that little extra umph. But the people whose souls are more mature...well those people are hindered by drugs. Anyway, that was when we were being on our high horses and talking about how deep and wonderful we are. It was a nice conversation. I also have this paranoia, and I have no idea what it stems from. But I always have this fear that I'll let something slip when I'm high...like some deep dark secret I've never told anyone. But I really don't have any deep dark secrets. I think I've supressed something...and I'm not excited to see what it is that day it suddenly decides to come out from hiding in my subconscious. I hope I wasn't molested by my uncle or something. Anyway, so I've realized that I'm going to stay drug-free forever. I still always want to smoke, though...I just really, really like the action of smoking. I don't like how it smells or tastes, but I just like smoking for some reason. But I'll try not to take that up. It's kind of an annoying habit...having to step outside for smoke breaks all the time and whatnot.

So my friend Mae, who I already spoke of, wrote me this really random e-mail. It didn't even start out with a greeting like, "Hi, how are you doing?" It just went right into this deep, analytical stuff. I think she's going through some hard times right now. I love the way she thinks. We're so on the same plain about just about everything. We've only had deep conversations over the phone and through e-mail. I want to get with her and talk about stuff in person. She makes me grow in wonderful ways, I believe. = )

I just got back from church. I saw a kid there that was one of my kids at the daycare. I ached to hug him. But I didn't get to go up to him, and he didn't see me. I don't even know if he'd have remembered me...kids' memories aren't too up to par. Why do I fall so completely in love with people that I just want to attack them with hugs and kisses? I do that with so many people, end up coming on too strong, and then scare them away. I don't mean to! I just can't control my intense impulses. People are amazing...sometimes I'm really glad to be alive. Sometimes I'm not. And sometimes I truly doubt the goodness of the human race. But today is not one of those days.

I'm going to go get ready for work. Tom Cruise's ex chick, whose name is escaping me, kind of frightens me. I still want to see that movie she's in, whose title I won't attempt to spell, just because Ewan McGregor is in it. He's so hot. Damn.

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