It's so odd how certain smells, songs, movies, etc. can transport you back to a completely different time in your life; they make you feel, for a split second, the exact way you felt at that particular time. I'm watching Can't Hardly Wait, and I keep forgetting I'm not 17 anymore. I must say that Junior year and the beginning of Senior year were probably the best times of my life. I had the most close-knit friend group anyone could ever hope for. And one of the folks in my friend group was my one true love, so I thought. I know...it sounds kind of stupid because I was young, and no one has just ONE true love (I've realized), etc. etc. But this was how my mind was working at the time. I really think that this particular group of friends and this particular love situation made me the person I am today. I've lost a lot of good things in my life since then, but I've gained better things...mainly internally, though, because since then, I haven't, even for a single second, been even half as happy and carefree as I was then, in terms of friendships and social life that is...but I know who I am now and I'm not hiding behind some pretentious front anymore, and I think that is so much more important than anything in the world. (I wrote that sentence over three times, and it still doesn't read smoothly!) And I'm making new friendships that are incredibly awesome. It's just hard to start all over, you know? I just feel like that's all I've been doing the past 2 years. I'm a HUGE fan of sameness. I know it's boring, but that's how I am. But I graduated high school, went to Miami, lived away from home for the first time in a place I completely and utterly hated...then changed yet again when I went to UC. But I love UC and know it's where I'm going to be for awhile. There was just such a comfort factor back in high school with my friends and me. We'd just all know somehow what nights we were all free to go out, and we'd do the same things, hang out at the same places, and somehow it never got old, and somehow we never fought...until like the end of Senior year, when a bunch of shit hit the walls. Things have never been the same since then...it sucks hardcore. Anyway...true love...sigh. I've always said I've been in love with subject A, subject B, subject C, and maybe a subject D...but I think that you know you were in love with someone when you can think about him or her years after the initial process of trying to get over him or her, and some weird feeling still stabs you in the heart -- not necessarily a good feeling, not necessarily a bad one...but a very STRONG one, that makes your whole body react...you get cold sweats, get weak in the knees, etc. Anyway, the only person I truly feel that way about is Tony. He's truly the only person I've ever been in love with, I've realized now. True love never dies. I'll always love him...no, I don't want to date him...no, I can't see us ever working out...but he'll always make my heart beat just a bit faster than anyone else can...even Trent Reznor (hehe)...not so much because of the relationship we have now and the way he is now...but because every time I see his quirky smile, I remember the way he completely and utterly affected every ounce of my being just two years ago. He made me SO happy. He taught me how to be me, to not give a fuck about what anyone thought of me. We would embarrass the hell out of ourselves, and it didn't matter because we had something that few people have with one another. I don't think we'll ever have it again...but it's still there sometimes, for just a split second, when he decides to lick my toe or mess up my hair and say "You're such a pretty girl" in that fucked-up voice of his...~smile~. Sigh...God don't let him read this because he has quite a problem with cockiness...hehe. Anyway, Can't Hardly Wait has reminded me of Tony and the way I used to feel about him. Every single song in the background of the movie...all the Third Eye Blind songs, the horrid Smash Mouth crap he loved so much, and also the way Seth Green says "Why you gotta be such a ragin' bitch?!" I hope I feel that kind of love again...and I hope it's a helluva lot more functional (as opposed to dysfunctional...I use words strangely). When I fall in love, I fall so deeply that I barely function as a normal person...but it's a good thing because I'm insanely nice to everyone, and I lose my appetite and, thus, lose weight. Grr, I must fall in love!

I'm having a lot of problems with my mom lately. It's funny how when you're like 5, you see your mother to be the most perfect human being in the world. And then you grow up and realize how incredibly not good your mom is. She is everything I'd never want to be. She's given up on life since my father died. I'm only taking people's word on this because I never knew the mom that existed before my father's death. For all I know, she's always been the way she is now. But apparently before he died, she actually had life in her. She actually felt joy. She actually cared about people besides herself...I shouldn't say that because she cares about me so much. I'm one of the few people who doesn't take her shit whom she still puts on a pedestal. Everyone else whom she has on a pedestal are the people who suck up to her. I wonder why I get the privilege of being on Santa's "Nice" list even though I'm not even nice to her half the time. She thinks I'm perfect. And we disagree on EVERYTHING. We don't believe even remotely the same way about anything. That doesn't always mean 2 people should hate one another, but she won't even agree to disagree...like she'll purposely bring up things she knows we disagree on. I don't know...I'm not really getting anywhere by ranting on my mom. She did give birth to me. But there's a lot more to being a mom than that. It's just odd how almost every moral I have today is a product of revolting against her morals.

Melanie and I had our joint birthday party last night. It was supposed to be a pool party, but it rained. But three of my friends still swam. We had a really good time. I love my friends so much. I'm so blessed.

Oh my gosh, I totally went off on a JCM kid the other day...it was priceless. He's this little annoying kid who just moved into the neighborhood who always thinks it's funny to attempt to buy cigarettes despite that he's like 12 and says crap to me like, "My first name is Jack. My last name is Mehoff...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." I was counting dollar bills into a pile of 50 the other day, and he said "Can I have a dollar?" I didn't even look up and merely said, "No" with absolutely no feeling in my voice. Then he said, "Can I have sixty cents?" Again, I said "No" without emotion. Then he said, "Why not?" And then I looked up at him, looked him straight in the eye, and said, in the coldest voice I could muster up, "Because you are an asshole every time you come in here." He just kind of looked at me and said, with that little demonic smile on his face, "No I'm not...you're thinking of someone else." And I said, "No, it was you who..." and then listed like 12 asinine things he's done to bug me. His friend was just looking at him like, "You are a retard." It was a great moment. Muwahh haa haa haa. I love being a hardcore bitch to people who deserve to see my hardcore bitch side. My adrenaline is pumping just thinking about it.

Anyway, I'm going to finish watching the Drew Barrymore story.

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