I'm crying. Nathan's grandfather died two days ago. He hasn't shown any emotion. I keep saying to him, "If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. Don't be afraid to cry." But he just doesn't say ANYTHING about it. The day after, we had a really nice day together. I found myself, midway through the date, freaking out because sometimes I really second guess myself about my feelings for him...and I don't know why because then two seconds later, I'll be convinced that he's the most perfect guy ever and that I'm falling in love with him. I feel bipolar about it, if it's possible to be bipolar about your feelings for someone. Maybe it would be better to call it "indecisive" or "wishy-washy." But that sounds so shallow, like I just change my mind with the weather...and it's not even like that. Anyway, by the end of our date yesterday, I was just giddy. It was mainly because we do really romantic things...he treats me SO sweet, so mushy...says the sweetest things. And he makes me feel confident about myself. I think today I realized how much I really do care about him. I talked to him for a little while this morning, but he had to get ready to go to his grandpa's funeral, which is in Dayton...an hour drive for him. So I told him I'd be out later, but he could call my cell if he'd like. Well, I was out with Kim and her friend Dorothy tonight, and we were downstairs in this bar in Oxford having a few drinks, and you don't get phone service down there. So when I came out to go home, I saw that he'd left me a message. I've never heard him sound so pitiful. He may have been crying. I started tearing up just listening to it. He basically said that his mother is being difficult...and Matt's father is sick...so he's coming home right after the funeral. And he can't deal with his mother anymore. I guess I should give the back story on this. Matt's father went along because he can't be alone, and Matt has to go to Columbus this weekend to be sworn into the military (or whatever)...so Nathan was forced to bring Matt's dad along. I am so in awe of the way he takes care of Matt's father. Matt and Kenny (Matt's father) are basically Nathan's family. His parents sound absolutely horrendous. I know they have hurt him beyond belief. I wish he'd open up to me about these kinds of things. This lack of opening up has been the reason I've ever had thoughts of breaking up with him...but I really have to stop being selfish about it and start realizing how much pain he's in. I actually know this now because I had a REALLY long chat with Matt tonight. I called him and Nathan's apartment after getting Nathan's message (he was calling from Dayton...I was just going to leave him a message on the machine, saying that I got his message...but I didn't expect Matt to pick up)...so anyway, Matt was going to give me their number in the hotel room...or he's probably staying with his mother now that I think about it, and he just said out of nowhere, "You really care about him, don't you?" And I could honestly say "Yes." And then I, of course, had to get the buzz on Nathan, so I said, "Why, do you think he cares about me?" And he said, "So much. He talks about you constantly." And I pretty much just opened up to Matt about how I'm slightly bothered by the silences Nathan and I are prone to having in our phone conversations or time spent together...and just asked him if he thought Nathan would ever open up more. And then he pretty much just told me Nathan's past...Nathan has had SUCH a shitty past. He's told me about a good portion of it, but he will almost tell it in a story-type manner, showing no emotion about it. When someone shows no emotion about something, you assume that something doesn't bother the person. He almost jokes about it half the time. He will tell me things in such a neutral way...and I guess I've just assumed that he's felt neutral about everything. Like he tells me all the time about his mother...and how crazy she is...but he almost makes a joke about it. She makes fun of the slow way she talks. He's vaguely mentioned her past drug abuse. But Matt was saying tonight just how shitty it was for Nathan growing up with her...having a mom dealing and abusing drugs. And what killed me is what he told me about Nathan's father. When Nathan turned 18, he just left his father's house...pretty much just ran away...and moved in with Matt and Kenny. Matt said Nathan has been calling his father ever since he moved out and leaving message after message on his machine...and his father will not, for the life of him, call him back. He even left him a message about the grandfather dying. So Nathan has two parents who really want nothing to do with him. Well, his mother is crazy. After the grandfather died, Nathan told me she was put in an asylum. Anyway, so he's been with her today for the funeral...hence his message on my phone. So anyway, skipping around again, I called Matt. Matt and I ended up talking for a really long time. Matt talked to me a lot about some chick he cares about. Matt's actually a pretty deep guy, something I didn't realize until tonight because he always talks about really juvenile things. He and Nathan are really old for their ages. Though they're only a little bit younger than I am, they're both children. Hell, I think I'm still a child. Matt and Nathan have been taking care of this dying man. Taking care of this dying man consists of getting him bags to puke in...listening to him puke constantly...having him holler at them every (no lie...I was there) 10 minutes for something as small as handing him the remote 4 feet away from him. He really is weak. Two guys who are supposed to be having the best times of their lives are sitting in a small, stuffy apartment caring for a dying man. Matt hasn't even been in high school the past year or so because of his dad. Since he's going into the military, he's taking the test to get his GED shortly. So because of his father, he hasn't even gotten to graduate. And Nathan spends so many nights up all night with Kenny. I don't think he sleeps. I really don't. I think a lot of the reason he doesn't sleep is because he's depressed. Matt said tonight that he thinks Nathan is clinically depressed...and I wouldn't doubt it, now that I think about it. He's sure doing a hell of a job trying to keep it from me. Matt thinks he is because of the horrible way his ex treated him. And, just through my observations...has anyone he's ever counted on actually came through for him? Why should he let me in? Who the hell do I think I am to be so petty and selfish to even think about calling off this relationship because of my need for emotional intimacy with him? I try to say I'm this fucking deep person who needs these obsessively close relationships with everyone...who the hell do I think I am? Did I even consider for one second that Nathan might actually be REALLY guarded and hurt? Of course not. But this isn't all selfish...my wanting to know everything about Nathan. I really am just infatuated with him. I KNOW he's had a crazy life. I haven't been stupid this whole time. I've KNOWN he's had it rough. I think maybe I've intuitively known this this whole time...and maybe that is that aching in my gut to have him unwrap himself for me? I don't know...but I just find him to be the most interesting, amazing person...but I just want to have 3-hour conversations with him about LIFE...how he feels about God...his past...his favorite breakfast cereal (which I found out in passing is most probably Lucky Charms, though he said he just eats the marshmallows)...anyway, I just want INTIMACY with him. Having him tell me I'm beautiful 10 times a day is WONDERFUL...having him tell me he cares about me another 10 times is WONDERFUL...but I want more than his kind words. I want HIM. Anyway, I'm jumping every which way. To make a long story short, I finally got Matt to stop talking (not that I wasn't having a great time talking to Matt...but I was really antsy to call Nathan because it was nearing 2 in the morning)...I think Matt never has anyone to talk to. He was talking to me that way...like almost hungrily. Anyway, I called the number, and his mother picked up. Hearing her voice made me sick...they'd warned me about how slowly she talks...but I guess I'd never put 2 and 2 together that the reason she talks that way is because she does (did?) so many goddamned drugs. I think Matt and Nathan have even told me she talks slowly because of the drugs, but I never took them seriously or something? But, anyway, this lady was not even fucking there. I said, "Is Nathan there?" She said, "Ohhh....it's too late. He's in bed." (Bullshit...he never gets to bed before 3.) And I said, as quickly as I could because I wanted nothing to do with this lady, "Okay, well just tell him Regina called." But she interrupted me mid-sentence with her 3-seconds-before-each-word slurred speech, "I'll tell him you called after the funeral tomorrow." (???? Or when he wakes up? She's so freaking stoned.) I wonder if he'll even get the message that I called. I wasn't angry at her for her drug abuse...I have nothing against people who do drugs. I understand that life can suck, and people need to cope. I was just angry the second I heard her voice because I suddenly realized EVERYTHING he's been through, and I don't want anyone hurting him. He's such an amazing person...I wish I could have talked to him tonight. He wanted to talk to me so badly...I've never heard such urgency in his voice. I hope he's okay...I want to make him better. I want to hold him for hours. I'll go over to his house on Saturday and try to help him cope with everything. I wish we'd have gotten to talk. Sigh. I want to kiss him right now so badly. Writing all of this is an invasion of his privacy, I know. That's what sucks about online journals...I've gotten myself in trouble before. It's not like I'm dishing on our kinky S&M sex, though. (I'm kidding.)

Today I weighed in at the lowest weight I've been in 2 years. It's a combination of starving myself and being nervously gittery...between Nathan and just a constant having-to-move that I've developed recently. Tonight I got to Kim's house...and I suddenly decided I needed to eat a bunch of junk. She had baked me a cake for my birthday, so I ate a HUGE piece of it. Then I ate some Doritos. Then we went to her boyfriend's restaurant/bar he works at, and I ate 5 small pieces of cheese pizza and drank 2 Smirnoffs. I figured up my calories for the day, approximately, and it was 2,500...which, in all actuality, isn't a WHOLE lot...but I feel so disgusting. I was sick when I got home (southernly, not vomiting-wise)...my body is like, "What the hell are you doing to me?! You are putting alcohol and garbage in me!" I have been eating under 1,000 calories most of the week, so I think I'm more accustomed to it now. I really am good at getting my hunger under control...it's just the weakness that drives me to eat. I get so drained of energy, which is what brought me to eat tonight. I'll go back to the low-cal tomorrow and hope to lose the bloated water weight by Saturday. I need to look good for my sweetie that day...he doesn't care, but I do. Sigh...I keep feeling depressed over him. I wish I could talk to him...make him feel better. I wish I didn't have this disgusting relationship with food. I never want to eat again.

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