I'm in love. I know he is, too. I wanted to tell him so badly on the phone last night, but I didn't. For whatever reason, I am determined to have him be the first to say it. I think he's baffled by my recent change in attitude. Before it was him saying all the sweet things. And I would just kind of giggle nervously and occasionally say in exasperation, "I just don't know how I feel!" And now it's me constantly telling him how much I care for him and how awesome he is. I want to swoop in and be his savior and give him the love and recognition he's not gotten all these years. He's been everyone else's savior...kind of a martyr...and he deserves praise and love now. I want to give him confidence. I told him last night that he's surprisingly well-adjusted considering his life...and that he seems to "have his shit together," and he said he doesn't at all and that he's so confused. And while he does seem surprisingly "okay" considering what he goes through, I can see the way his nerves are being affected. I caught his hand shaking the other day, and it kind of scared me. But I figure his hand is allowed to shake considering he's gotten NO sleep, eaten NOTHING, been taking care of an AIDS patient look-alike, had to deal with his mom, and and had to deal with his grandpa dying. I really think he needs sleep more than anything. I hope he got some last night. I'm going to buy him a multivitamin and give it to him on Wednesday. I just don't want him going downhill. He had to take off work yesterday because he was throwing up. I want him healthy...I love him.

Wednesday is the notorious 5th date. The 5th date has quite a meaning to me and Nathan. We have an on-going joke about it...well a joke that I guess will become "that should have happened on the 5th date" instead of "we'll have to save that for the 5th date." Basically, we always talk about an infinite number of things we want to do together. Most of them, I must admit, are sexual. (I don't want to have actual intercourse for a very long time, though. I don't want to deal with the responsibility of having to worry about birth control.) Well, the 5th date has rolled around. I'm only going to be able to be with him for like 5 hours, so every 5th date activity isn't going to go on. So we're sticking to one main one, which I will not mention...haha. But it should be playful and interesting. Mmm, we'll leave this paragraph at that.

I'm about to kill myself over my lack of willpower. So many people can stop eating, no trouble at all. I will be okay until about 8 o'clock at night, and then I will decide that it's perfectly acceptable to eat everything in the house in one sitting. I still have lost a decent amount of weight...and even regardless of what the scale says, I've lost a crapload of inches...but it's discouraging to have so little control. I want the weight loss to continue in a downhill slope instead of a roller coaster. Today I'm starting the 2-4-6-8-10 diet. I got it from a message board group I'm a member of. Basically you eat 200 calories the first day, 400 the next, and so on. It sounds unhealthy, I know, but I've been trying to stay under 1,000 anyway. Anytime I eat anymore, I feel sick...I really just want to stop eating forever. And if I didn't feel sick, I probably would...I just want to be a normal size for once in my life. I want to like my body for a change. I hate the way I look. I'm amazed at the fact that it's possible for me to be desirable to anyone. I wonder if Nathan is blind. Hmm.