I'm starting to realize how many people are mentally ill. It makes me sad, in a way, yet maybe it shouldn't because...who ever decided that being mentally ill is really bad? So many people who come into my work are so dependant on cigarettes and alcohol. They come in, reeking, begging us for money. I used to be disgusted by these types of people, and now I just want to cry for them. I pity them so completely. And there are even people who come in who aren't dependant on substances that are just...not right. Henry is, of course, the prime example. He just doesn't GET IT. He doesn't see things for what they are. His perception is completely warped. I've always thought he might be able to go to work, get his driver's license, and function normally in society, but the longer I know him, the more I know this isn't true. He really is...crazy. I'm starting to think my mother is crazy. She just doesn't know what's going on anymore. I'm really bitter about this, and I shouldn't be. There is no reason to be angry...I keep telling myself this about everything. There is no reason to be angry at anyone because everyone just does what he or she thinks is right according to his or her point of view. Mom does not see her faults. And she doesn't see how ill she is. No, she sees it. She's in denial. She and I went to Ruth's house yesterday, and we watched Return to Me. First off, mom had seen this movie once before. But she didn't remember it at all. Secondly, the whole time we were watching it, she kept having to ask us what was going on. It's not a complicated movie. Her store work is beginning to suffer. She's beginning to make mistakes in the paperwork that are costing her money. She has to write herself notes to remember things. She's just (this is off-topic) RUDE. She's so RUDE. She just does things and doesn't even think of what the effect will be. She tells people things about me that I tell her not to. She ignores people at the store when they are talking to her. She is a completely different person at the store -- she puts on this fake attitude that's just...really odd...and almost snobby. Today she got mad at Dave for not giving her this bill. She brought it to his attention that she wanted the bill. I didn't see what happened, but Dave got mad at her. She started talking to his WIFE about him (she always puts Di in the middle...Di shouldn't have to choose between her husband and her mother-in-law)...she started talking to ME about it, asking me if I thought it was wrong that he got upset. I said, "It's not my business." I can tell you right now that Dave didn't get mad that mom asked him for the bill. He got mad because of the WAY she asked him. She has this HORRIBLE tone in her voice and look on her face when she's depressed. She makes people miserable. And when she acts this way, every one of her children are on their toes. That's why Dave was upset -- she had that voice and that look. But if I were to tell her that, she'd get to angry, cry, and say no one loves her. I'm just so ANGRY. I'm so ANGRY that she doesn't know a damned thing going on in my life. She doesn't know the classes I take. She doesn't know which of my friends are which. She doesn't know what music I like, what shows I watch...I don't even know if she knows how old I am or when my birthday is. I'm sorry to keep going on and on...and I HATE badmouthing people...but seeing her get pissy over Dave a bit ago just opened the floodgates of my anger toward mom. I feel better now. = )

Back to mentally ill people...the children that come into the store. They're so neglected, so needy. It makes me sad. There are these two brothers that come in. I cringe every time they do because they really get on my nerves, and I think they steal, so I have to watch them like a hawk...and they always take 45 minutes to decide what to get. Well, one of the brothers always comes in and is nearly hyperventilating. I ask him, "What's wrong?" because he keeps breathing that way UNTIL I ask him. Then he says, "I ran all the way here" and starts talking about his asthma or bronchitis (neither of which he has...he's faking). He also always comes in without a coat on. The other day Dave made me realize that he puts on this show because he needs the attention. Di even said, "I know he didn't just run here. I drove by, and he was walking." Also, mid-way through his hyperventilating session, he got distracted and forgot to fake asthma. I'm so sad for this boy. He also lies about everything. He makes up these outlandish stories that couldn't possibly be true. I wonder if their parents give them any attention at all.

Then there's Vanessa, the girl whose father is the most disgusting man I've ever met. I think he's mainly disgusting because I know he molests his children. But even before that knowledge, I was disgusted by him because he's creepy and smells horrible. And he always puts down women to me...it really bothers me. Vanessa has no idea what is the real and imaginary. She talks about playing with elves and gnomes. She talks about talking to the animals. I don't know...this is obviously her reality, so I shouldn't knock it...but how sad is that that she has to make up these things to escape her real world, in which her father touches her where he shouldn't and does whatever else to her. Sigh.

My food is ready...I'm going to go eat. Sorry about the bummer of a journal entry.

Oh yeah...met a cute boy today. His name is Troy. He's actually been coming into the store for awhile now, and I've always been attracted to him...but today he said, "Okay, I'm just going to ask you. Why do you wear that sweatshirt? Do you skateboard, or does your boyfriend, or what?" He is talking about my Pacific Sunwear (or whatever) Independent KKK-looking sweatshirt. I said, "No, I just liked it. I don't know if that makes me a poser, but oh well." Then we were just talking, and he said he liked my tongue piercing and asked what gauge it is. His is only a 6 gauge. I asked him what I should pierce next. He said I should pierce my labret -- he has his done. He's so cute. The only thing is that he bought Camels and was going to share them with this obviously underage kid...and he kept saying "fuck" over and over. I always make a little list of bad things about men so as to cross them out of my life. I wonder if this is why I've never had a real relationship -- just stupid little flings. I don't know.

Oh, and I've lost 11 lbs. now. Not a lot, but not a little either. = )

Oh yeah...another "not right" kid. He is Kurt Cobain obsessed, which is fine (and 10 years late)...he dresses outlandish (which is also fine)...but he calls EVERYTHING he's wearing to everyone's attention. He is SO attention starved. Like today he showed me that he had 2 safety pins in his ears. It's like...it's cool to have your own personal style, but when you have to tell everyone what you're wearing and why you're wearing it...you lose your coolness. I'd tell him this, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Poor kid's just trying to find himself. See, but he's doing it through mimicing others. He said to me the other day, "I look JUST LIKE the guy from the Casualties today, don't I?" I gave him all my Nirvana stuff. I figured it would make him happier than me.

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