I realize that posting the following stuff could cause me to be judged as crazy, but I really don't care...I think people think I'm kind of crazy anyway. Last night I got home from hanging with my friends at about 1:30. I couldn't sleep because my stomach hurt so badly. So I decided to read. Finally, it was getting late, so I decided to go to sleep. It was about 2:30. I decided to chill with God for a bit before trying to get to sleep. Well, anyway, this is what I wrote last night after something really amazing happened to me:

I just had an experience with God. It...was...amazing. Lately I've been playing these games with God. Well, first of all, just recently I've begun fully trusting in God's love for me, fully trusting that he's always there. When I was little, I used to play these games where I'd test God -- "If you exist, tell me in the next song on the radio." Now my games are purely for fun. Now I know God exists and loves me, so I say "You know, God, I'm just curious as to what you have to say to me. Let me know some how." And then the most perfect song will play -- a song I've, surprisingly, never heard before. And the radio guy never says who sang it afterwards or what song it was. And I never hear it again.

Just a few minutes ago, I experienced the most tremendous sensation ever. I've been reading that you can create anything in your life by not asking for it but by just knowing it will happen. I've been testing this out -- by the song game -- and by other games. Like the other day, I was walking in the snow and would say in my head "Snowflakes will no longer land in my eyes" or "The snow will blow the other way." It didn't work too well. A few moments ago, I had my eyes shut, lying here in my bed, and said to God "I know you're here. So do something." I began to have my doubts because my room is dark and completely silent -- no radio playing (so no "perfect song" could come on). I then thought "It's gonna have to be something big. I'm going to have to see a face on my wall or levatate (spelling?) or something." Kind of creeped out by the face idea, I opted for the levatation (spelling?). So I shut my eyes tightly and was shouting at God in my head "Come on, do it! You're chicken, aren't you?" and so on. Suddenly, my whole body began to tingle. I kept thinking "Up, up, up"...straining to rise up. I began realizing it wasn't going to happen, so I instead concentrated on the strange and wonderful things going on in my body. I saw a million different dots oscillating -- they were golden with a black background. I realized I was seeing what I was feeling -- every cell in my body trembling. I was thinking "Am I having an orgasm?" But I wasn't -- it was a lot better and lasted a lot longer. Every cell in my body became separate for about 45 seconds. Well, I know every cell is separate -- but I could feel this. And I could see it behind my eyelids -- the beautiful, glowing, trembling dots. They were clenching and letting go over and over and over again -- and my body did feel weightless, though I knew I was not lifted from my bed. I felt as though I was floating, although I wasn't. I then noticed my heart. It was beating more quickly than it ever has in my life. I could hear it beating -- resonating through every inch of my body -- bouncing off the glowing, vibrating golden cells. I felt my heart literally beating out of my chest -- making indentations into the sheet beneath me with every beat. I must admit that at first I was petrified. But as I began to feel afraid, the feelings would subside. So I forced myself to stop freaking out and merely enjoy the sensations I was feeling. Then I'd get afraid again -- it'd start to go away again -- until I finally thought "This is God, for Christ's sake. Chill the hell out!" Then I let it coarse through me. My body was pulsating, oozing liquid. "Oh God, Oh God" and "Thank you, Thank you" and "You're here! You're here!" were going through my mind. Then I heard purring -- I knew it my cat was walking toward me and would jump on my back and cause me to fall back into reality. I thought "Dammit, it's over." Then, sure enough, she hopped on me, all purring and wanting to cuddle, and it was over within seconds. I felt my heart as the feeling was fading away, and it was beating 2 beats a second. I also remember thinking "What if this is me having a heart attack and not God?" I'm still here, though, so it was God. Afterwards, I was crying a bit and saying "Thank you" in my mind repeatedly. A half an hour later, I'm still tingling. Now I know I can create anything I wish. I caused something very strange and wonderful to happen to my body merely from knowing SOMETHING would happen. And the second I'd begin to doubt, I'd push the doubt away. I was like a drill sargeant about it. Doubt would come, and I'd scream "STOP!" in my head. I guess God takes orders. = )

I wonder if, with practice, I can do this anytime I want. I wonder if I can transport the feeling to others by touching them. I wonder if I just "cleared my blockages" or "rearranged my energy" -- that new age chakra/energy stuff I've always wondered about but never really thought I'd be able to master. I even said to Jessica today, "How do people learn to do that?" speaking of healing touch people or people who do energy work. Maybe I just did -- to myself! Who knows? I might share this experience with people and see what they think, even if I look like a lunatic. It's not like I'm turning water to wine or something. = )

SOOO, that is what happened to me last night. VERY SCARY and wonderful. I don't really know what else to say, so I'm going to go. I'm not crazy, I swear!

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