My mother's driving me crazy right now. We're watching Oprah, and it's about the whole Catholic priest thing going on. She just said, "I think Oprah's enjoying this." Oprah's not enjoying this. Oprah just feels strongly about it. My mom is SO geeked out about the Catholic church that she's not focusing on what's happened to children -- she's mad about this show making the church look bad. I can hardly talk to her right now...we're so on two different pages. The world needs to know what's going on. There needs to be change in the church. If this molestation is so widespread, there HAS to be something not right here. It's because HUMAN BEINGS NEED AFFECTION. It's not a want...it's a NEED. We are beings made completely of love. WE NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION. Babies who are not held and cuddled grow up to be disturbed and mentally unstable individuals...they often even have physical problems (proving the mind/body connection). I don't think sex is necessarily a NEED for all people. If I never had sexual contact again, I'd probably be okay (not overly happy, but okay)...but we at least need to be touched and hugged. Priests often don't get this because, quite frankly, people often don't know how to react around priests. I've never been overly comfortable around priests -- maybe it's just me. Anyway, since people aren't comfortable around priests, they're not overly apt to hug them. And if priests do go around getting hugs from people, people might be scratching their heads because priests aren't really "supposed" to be touching people. Natural drives NEED an outlet. If they are continuously supressed (sp?), they will find a way to manifest themselves, often in abnormal behavior. I don't think pedophiles become priests because they plan on preying on little boys. I think men go into the priesthood with completely innocent and good intentions...but they are human beings with human drives. The constant supression (sp?) of these drives is unhealthy and manifests in acts such as the abuse of children. This is my two cents' worth. A guy who is an expert is about to talk about this on Oprah. I wonder if I'm right. = )

My life has been SO BUSY. I absolutely love my new job. It's possibly the most rewarding thing I've ever partaken in. I can see myself being there for years to come...which will be nice because I'll then become one of the "top dogs" there and will be getting paid pretty good money. I think I'm supposed to get a raise every 6 mos.

Interjection: Liz just called...I might move out and live with her and Jen!!! This won't be until September, when their current lease is up. That is a PERFECT time. It'll give me a few more months here and some time to get things ready. It'll be a whole lot more affordable to me than living alone, which I doubt I'd have been able to do anyway...so excited. I hope it works out.

Interjection #2: Apparently, mom didn't know that the church was paying millions of dollars to cover things up. Now she's more mad and on my page. Where has she been? Has she not been listening to the news?

Okay, my job...I'm going to give a little explanation of each of the residents because I love them so much:

1. Steve: In his 50s, I think they said. He has a job at the Marriott (sp?) doing janitor-ish stuff. He is probably my "favorite," though I probably shouldn't have a favorite. He just has a huge heart and the best sense of humor. I think he may have Down Syndrome. But he's one of the most highly functioning residents. He dances with me. He was hanging up Easter decorations for two hours the other day -- it would have taken the average person 15 minutes -- but he didn't give up. He is slightly manipulative and has a tendency to lie to save himself. His main vice is that he steals food at night. The doctor has him on a strict diet because he's overweight and has heart problems. Steve's been known to sneak into the kitchen at night and stick tons of food down his pants. But if you catch him red-handed, he'll still lie about it. And he was trying to get me to feel sorry for him the other day because Terri was going around telling everyone about his sneaking bread and cheese in his pants...and he was saying how she was lying. I didn't know what to say to him and didn't want to say, "I know you're lying," so I just said, "You know, Steve, Terri has a problem with treating people badly. You shouldn't let her bother you. People know that you're a great guy." But that didn't seem to please him. We pretended to get married the other day, and he laid a kiss on me, right on the lips...he's precious.
2. Terri: She's absolutely crazy. She causes more trouble than good, but I still like her somehow. She never bathes, never goes to work. (Most of the other residents work at a workshop, where they make anywhere from 50 cents to 5 dollars a week...this makes me positively ill...they are PEOPLE.) I can't really ever tell what she's saying. She carries two dolls around with her and makes you kiss them all the time. She yells at EVERYONE. She has been known to go into the kitchen in the middle of the night and cook bacon. She has 4 or 5 helpings of dinner yet points out how the other residents overeat. She almost always wears the same robe and always has curlers in her hair. I think I like her because she makes me laugh, not on purpose...but because she's just so...odd...you'd have to meet her. At least she keeps the place from being quiet.
3. Peggy: I haven't gotten to know Peggy well because she stays in her room for most of the day. But I've heard some stories about her. She apparently, when she gets mad at people, calls them "white fuckers," "black fuckers," "niggers," etc. She's real race conscious, I suppose.
4. Tommy: He is so sweet. I must admit that I forget he's an adult almost all the time. It's because he always comes and gets me and motions "Come here" with his hand...takes me to his room...and we play with his Tonka trucks or watch TV. He points to the TV, very excited by whatever is on it, even if it's the weather channel. His favorite game to play is to put a bowling pin in the middle of the hall and knock it over with a Clifford ball. He's the only one I've helped to bathe so far. I was a bit embarrassed at first since he IS an adult, but it was so innocent to him. I love him so much.
5. Nellie: I'm not sure if she really has mental retardation or not. To be honest, she seems to me to just be a really old lady who is kind of scatter-brained, the way most people become when they near the end of their lives. She walks around in a walker and falls a lot, so you really have to watch her -- she overestimates her walking abilities and gets too confident. She doesn't have the best memory -- we were going through her photo album, and she didn't know who many of the people are...and she thought this really young woman was her. It could have been her when she was 20, but the clothing the girl was wearing was that of someone living in the '80s or '90s...so I don't know. She's really sweet.
6. Antonio: He's about 24, I think. I really think he'd be just fine living on his own, if he had someone living with him. I don't think the living situation is a very good one for him, especially since most of his housemates are elderly. I just feel as though he could go so far but is being held back. I think they are working on getting him into an independent living situation. I always forget he has a disability. I read his profile, and he has mild mental retardation and heart problems. He works at the post office, I think.
7. Chuck: Old man who walks around with a walker. He's always smiling. Really sweet.
8. Edward: He sits at the same table and reads old car magazines and writes numbers in his notebook. I have looked at his numbers, and they are absolute nonsense...and the word "Good" is always written at the top. I wonder what he thinks he's doing.
9. Gail: She has a really hard time walking. She also has a walker. It takes her about 3 minutes to walk from one side of the room to the other. One of her legs is really swollen -- about twice the size of the other leg. And her mouth has a lot of sores on it. I don't really know what's up with her. She's so sweet, though. She makes herself tea tons of times a day. I find myself wanting to help her since it takes her SO long to walk over to the tea table...but she wants to do it for herself.
10. Kenny: He will talk your EAR off. He has a thing about locations and routes taken to places. He asked me where I live, and I told him "Hamilton." And he said, "Oh, do you take the express way to Dixie Hwy.?" He REALLY knows directions. I told him I live on Pleasant Avenue, which is what Hamilton Avenue turns into...and he said, "Oh yeah, 127, right?" I think I'll consult Kenny instead of Yahoo! maps if I need to get anywhere. He always thinks that everyone is going to get arrested and that Geier house is going to get shut down, though...hmmm.
11. Jeanne: Jeanne doesn't do a whole lot. She likes to get mad at Terri a lot and yell at her. I, personally, would be yelling at Terri a whole lot if I had less self-control. Her father comes and takes her out a lot. Her panty hose had a run, and he got REALLY mad. She doesn't notice when her hose have runners and forgets to wear a bra all the time.
12. Kendra: Kendra is about Antonio's age. She is the happiest human being I have ever met. Her voice gets really high-pitched when she gets happy about something, which is most of the time. She helps out a lot in the kitchen, which is nice. She has these "I love Jesus" beads in her hair...and she said to me the first day, after I commented about how it's so great to have her to help the staff out, "My name is Kendra, and that's all you need to know." It was real funny. Antonio says she has a crush on him.
13. Mary Jane: The funniest one, in my opinion. She's a quirky 74-year-old lady who changes her clothing about 6 times a day. And her clothes NEVER fit...they're ALWAYS too tight. She bought a discman and a Reba McIntyre CD and has been dancing around with it ever since. I've heard that when she gets mad, she moons you and tells you to kiss her ass...or she pulls out her boob and tells you to kiss it. I haven't gotten the priviledge of seeing this yet...hehe. She carries a purse around with her EVERYWHERE. She was trying to put groceries away while carrying this purse. She has a really funny voice...like if Bea Arthur was slightly crazy and talked all the time. Or maybe more Sophia, without the Brooklyn accent. I love Mary Jane.
14. Craig: I just met Craig for the first time a couple days ago. Craig is kinda nuts. He wanders around and stares blankly at everyone. You ask him a question, and he thinks about it for 30 seconds before answering. I need to work on my patience, for I find myself saying something like, "How are you feeling today?" and while waiting for him to answer, asking, "Good? Are you feeling good?" I should let him answer -- that's kind of disrespectful of me. My coworkers were telling me about his dislike of the weatherman, mainly when the weatherman predicts rain. He says, "I'm going to stab him in his titty," his "titty" being his crotch (whatever...lol)...but he says it real creepy and Jack Nicholson-ish. I am not fully comfortable around Craig yet...and I think I walked in on him masturbating the other day...lol.
15. Nancy: She has Down Syndrome. She sits on the couch for the majority of the day. She's really funny. She doesn't speak very well...mainly just grunts. She's obsessed with going to Frischs...all she says is "Big Boy" over and over. She's really anal about you moving around anything in the living room. If you move a pillow, she yells at you...but it's more of a joke than anything now.
16. Herb: Herb's the only one in a wheelchair. I'm GLAD he is, which could be selfish of me, but he has quite a temper. At least 5 times a shift, I hear him yelling at the top of his lungs, "GET OUT OF MY WAY!" So if he weren't wheel-chair bound, he may strangle people! He also has a sweet side...he was kissing all over me the other day and being all flirtatious. I was going to let him kiss me on the lips because I'm trying not to be germ-freak girl, but he kissed me on the cheek instead...lol.

So there are my people. I love them so much. The second I walk into that building, I feel like such a princess because they love so unconditionally. I love doing things for them...helping them...teaching them things. I'm so glad God sent me this job.

I met a guy at my orientation named Londale (goes by "Dale"). I was attracted to him from the first second I saw him. But he never paid a whole lot of attention to me, so I figured he didn't like me. Well the last day of our training, he was all smiling at me. And then we got a 5-minute break, and he said, "You're coming with me, girl," and we walked together a bit. I wasn't sure what he was doing, though...so I just peed and went back to the room, and he went out and smoked. But then after that, he started playing footsies with me during training. It was REAL cute and kind of uncomfortable because he was making these really funny, smiley, sexy faces at me...and I felt slightly objectified...but more aroused than anything...hehe. And a couple times he squeezed my arm. After training, I just kind of assumed we'd be walking out together so I could see what was up. But I had to get my TB shot checked. I said, "I think it looks good," and he made a comment about ME looking good...and made various sexual comments throughout the rest of the day, a lot of them about my tongue piercing...one about giving me a rubdown. I was kind of intimidated, yet I'm still intrigued. He's got my number. He's not called it yet, not that I know, though there have been some fishy numbers on my caller ID. The past 2 days, I've been home pretty much, but before then I was gone constantly for all the days since our flirt day. But I heard from a coworker that he's been talking about me. So I left him a "call me" note. I may have made him less confident toward the end of our flirt day because I was kind of all "I don't want a relationship"y with him. I think I was actually meaning, "Stop saying sexual things to me," but it came out, "I don't want anything serious," which couldn't be more wrong because everyone knows how I want to meet my HUSBAND and all. Oh well...what is to be will be. Oh yeah...I feel petty mentioning this, but he's a black guy. I couldn't care less, but my family will, I'm sure. Believe it or not, my mom's being really cool about it...my sister Ruth's being kind of weird about it, not like her at all. She said she supports me in all I do, though.

Let's see...IS that all...oh, started school again. I love my Women's Studies class, love my poetry class...like my Motivation class okay. Hate history but don't mind it that bad since it's the last history I'll be taking FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...and then Math again - blah.

I ran into Brian today, the guy from my Latin class from WAY BACK WHEN...the guy who motivates people to change their lives and be the people they want to be. I feel like booking an appointment with that guy...he is such a breath of fresh air. I wanted to hug him so tightly today -- I wonder what would happen if everyone gave into the intrinsic insatiable longing to be one with all that is? There I am getting all philosophical. But, yes, I do want to be one with Brian, and not like "that" either...well I wouldn't mind too badly...he is pretty hot. Anyway, he was exactly the person I needed to see today.

I have been failing miserably on my diet. And I realized today that, while I was succeeding initially with Weight Watchers, it wasn't helping my real problem, which is my obsession with control over food. Seriously...jotting down points for everything I put in my mouth -- is this really good for...for lack of a better phrase (I hate labels)...an eating-disordered girl? And it's so expensive...I need to save. I'm going to try the healthy eating thing again and exercise A LOT. I think I need to get away from having to document everything...it's driving me mad...and I was beginning to eat all my points at the beginning of the day, knowing I'd not be able to eat later because I'd be at school and then with my friends...and then my friends and I would go out to eat...and I'd be out of points...but I'd eat anyway...and then I'd get home later that night and think, "Fuck it, I went over my points already. Let's eat everything in the house." This just isn't working. I'm going to try to eat as little junk food as possible and listen to when my body is hungry and then eat....I found myself eating on Weight Watchers when I wasn't even hungry just because I had points left. Another thing I don't like about WW -- the infatuation with the scale. Scales aren't that much of an accurate representation of weight loss. I might do the tape measure thing. God, let me lose weight already. I'm sick of talking about it...it's been how many years now? Christ.

My mom was all set to go to the doctor...there was a big climactic (sp?) moment in which she found out how worried the family were about her and was going to go to the doctor and get help. Well, she cancelled her appointment because she's "better" now and is calling it a miracle. She's not better...and I'm devastated. I can't live here anymore...I can't take care of her.

Other than that, I'm in a great mood and am loving life. LONG journal entry. I have a headache, so I'm going to go lie down or something.

Oh yeah...I'm going to write that Saturday March 23rd was an interesting day. I did something kind of out-of-character and scandalous that I'm not going to write...but I just want this little paragraph for future reference. Doing something you thought you'd never do is sometimes therapeutic. I'd recommend it.

And ONE more thing. Today I realized that I often impulsively am about to do something and then think about whether it is a good choice or not for SUCH a long time that, even if I decide it's a good choice, too much time has passed, and I can't do it anymore. For example, I saw locker-room Sarah today...impulsively, I would have ran over to her and said hello...but then I thought about it..."Well, she's listening to her walkman...she's probably on her way to class...I'm too lazy" etc...and I never did go up to her. Am I a moron or what? I THINK too much. I'm going to just start DOING things and not thinking first. I think this decision could be more good than bad for me. We'll see.

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