AHHHH, crazy life! So I have had Londale in the back of my mind all week. The mo'fo' has not called me. The Regina of the past would merely attempt to forget he ever existed (unsuccessfully) and not attempt to call him, already assuming that he has decided that he hates her and wants nothing to do with her. But she would still end up obsessing over him and telling everyone how much of a horrible person he is for not calling her. But that is the Regina of the past. The Regina of the present did obsess slightly over him this week, wondering why he has not called. (It hasn't made sense to me -- to come on so strong then back completely off.) And she WASN'T going to call him, thinking that it would prove that she liked him, making it harder for her to save face when he decided to proclaim to her that he suddenly hated her...but I ended up calling him tonight while he was at work. I saw that he got my little note to him...so I just decided to call him at work and see how he's been. I figured he doesn't have a lot to do at work since he has 3rd shift, when everyone is sleeping. So I was out with my friends tonight and decided to give him a call on my cell from Liz and Jen's bedroom. He was really happy to hear my voice. We began talking, and he found a way to bring up sexual things pretty early in the conversation. From many things he said, I have the impression that he is looking for merely a sexual relationship, not an emotional one. This poses a problem for me. I am not opposed to having a "fuck buddy," as they have been called...but usually one has to be buddies first before becoming fuck buddies. If we were to become physically intimate in any sort of way, I'd want to get to know him really well first and establish that I like him as a person. Right now I have established that I REALLY like some parts of him and don't like other parts quite as much, mainly parts he's showed me lately. And if we were to ever become intimate, I'd never actually sleep with him because a.) I want my first time to be with someone I really love b.) I don't want to get pregnant, which is possible even with protection and c.) I don't know where he's been. So this would reduce us to possibly the "everything-but" category, which I'm still not sure I'd be comfortable doing. And regardless, condoms galore would be used because I'm not taking any chances -- I'm not stupid. I think what I'm going to do is actually spend some one-on-one time with him. Our time spent together has consisted of job training with him trying to flirt with me in a sneaky way without the boss seeing and then, of course, our one phone conversation. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow night. So I'm going to talk to him and see if he wants to get together...and I'm just going to see for myself if he seems to have any desire to get to know me as a human being. If he shows no desire except that of getting into my pants, then I will have nothing to do with him. If, on the other hand, this whole sexual stuff has been a big act, and he really IS a sensitive feller, then we'll see what happens. Regardless, I'm not taking anything fast. It's just weird for me because usually when men come on this strongly, they are the psycho men that I immediately write off. But Londale is absolutely gorgeous and has a great sense of humor...God, I'm aching just to think about him. I'll pray tonight, and hopefully God will give me insight.

Reading over this entry, the idea of getting with him is looking like one I don't think it would be in my best interest to pursue. But I'm not sure -- I change my mind so easily and so often. I just need to spend more time with him and see how I feel...it's too early to make any huge decisions. I just don't know if being with him that way would be representative of who I am or who I want to be.

<~~~