Yuck, I am so depressed right now. I hate being this way. It's one of those depressions where you try your best to think of all the good things in your life, but nothing feels "good" enough to make you feel better. It's one of those depressions where you start to ponder suicide but then realize how STUPID a decision that would be. So then you ponder what drugs you could take to make you feel a whole lot better...but then, if you're me, you just resort to food. And I'm not hungry anymore. And that's kind of strange. Because I used to eat away all of my problems...I was a bottomless pit, NEVER got full. This week I've been sad a few times and have grabbed food, and it doesn't even TASTE good anymore. So it's like...NOW what do I turn to? Oh well, at least maybe I'll lose weight this way. I'm depressed because I am sick of college. I don't want to be in it anymore. I'm depressed because I seem to always find a way to do something just slightly wrong...or have a big mouth about something and say too much and get myself in trouble...or give too much of myself to someone, to only get a teensy bit of him or her in return...and then think, "Gosh, I bet they think I'm stupid for volunteering so much." And I was sitting in between two guys I like today and couldn't think of anything to say to either of them, even though I could TELL they wanted to talk to me. (Yeah, I'm showing a moment of self-confidence, believe it or not.) They both seem at least somewhat interested in me, if anything, in the friendship way...because we've talked before, and they know I'm like they are. God knows why they seem to be interested, though, because I always write STUPID poetry in that class and make really stupid remarks. Bah, I don't know. I'm so lovesick. And right now I am so disgusted with men that I fear I'll end up being with a girl forever. I fear this because of my family, whom I don't even want to deal with because I am SO not what they think of as being a "normal," "good" person. Well, I have a lot of qualities that are awesome, and I really am a caring, spiritual, loving person. But if they knew some of the things going on in my life, they'd disown me. And while I enjoy living fully and being myself...I can never COMPLETELY enjoy it, knowing that if my family found out, they'd be disgusted by me. My mom found out I'm bisexual (or whatever I am) and was surprisingly not mad...but I can now tell, a couple weeks later, that it irks her some way. I think she's almost mad at God, not understanding why I, of all people, the girl raised Christian...the perfect, smart, angelic "gift from Heaven" (her "late-in-life joy") would have to undergo such a "cross," as she always says God gives me: "I don't know why He's giving you these crosses." The cross being my forcing myself to remain celibate from women, which I think she thinks I'm going to do even though *I* don't believe it's wrong for two people of the same sex to be intimate, though I think she blocks this out. And I realized I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I don't want a Dr. before my name or a Ph.D afterwards. I want to do something having to do with waking up bigots to love and acceptance, something I know my family will also frown upon, since in doing so, I'll be taking a stand when I hear someone in my family say some ignorant comment about a black person or hear my brother mouth the word "faggot," in front of his children no less. Before, I'd just sit back and take it...but I can't anymore. And if I'm not with a husband in ten years and happen to be living with a girl, they'll know what's going on. And I was just crying a bit ago, and I couldn't really tell my mom why...I couldn't tell her that I've been realizing this week that I might not WANT a husband and children. That I might want to be with a female since they seem to be sensitive and loving and won't TREAT ME HORRIBLY. But then I realize that I'm being irrational -- that just because just about every man I've met has treated me horribly that that doesn't mean that every man will treat me horribly. But he's going to have to be an exceptionally good man to convince me to give him a chance. So I put any man up to the challenge. I am talking on the phone with Henry right now. I called him because I haven't really gotten to talk to him...and because I knew it would make his night and, thus, hopefully cheer me up. And it has...I feel a lot better. Anyway, I'm done ranting and feel 75% better. I get to see a lot of the Van this weekend, so hopefully that will make everything better. I really think that I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Sigh. Sorry this journal entry went every which way. I was just writing as it was coming.

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