The last time I wrote was May 2, and SO many things have changed since then. I've sat down to write a lot of times, but I can never bring myself to. But now I can. = )

Basically, this has been the best and worst month of my life. I can think of two distinctive moments in my life in which I've actually been unable to function and have wanted to die. The one time was when Tony came out as gay and all the circumstances surrounding that. The other time occurred just recently. I've written this journal entry a couple different times and usually go into more detail, but I don't really want to. This has been the best month of my life because I realized that NOTHING is bad. Events are neutral, and it is up to you to assign positive, happy, good meaning to them, and then you will have successfully given yourself happiness. This is the secret to EVERYTHING, and as long as I remember this, I will never be unhappy or suicidal again. I had this epiphany in the car the other night. It's a big theme of my CWG stuff, yet I never fully grasped it. And my epiphany in the car made me realize the perfection and beauty in everything that has happened lately. And this whole week, because of that, I've been on cloud nine and have felt like a born-again Christian who can start her life over with immunity to sin (even though I don't believe in sin). I guess it's because I finally have control...have had it all along but didn't realize it. And now that I have control, I can assign positive meaning to everything that happens to me and be the victim no longer. Had situations stayed the same and maintained a status quo, I'd have never evolved, and things wouldn't have melded together in perfect symmetry I now feel. That's why things changed...appeared to come crashing down in complete destruction (when I felt it was the "worst" month of my life). But they actually brought about exactly what I need in my life right now to be the person I want to be. I'm so excited to see what my life will bring. I feel as though I just started it.

This month I got to stop hiding myself from my best friend, my sister Ruth. I came out to her, and while she doesn't agree with same sex relationships, she said she'll support me no matter what. She's been the person I have leaned on throughout the past few weeks, and I owe her my life. I gave her permission to tell her somewhat homophobic husband. He is more stern about things but still loves and respects me the same. He, my sister, and my mom kind of have this attitude about things that I'm not completely comfortable with. They have the "Well, at least you're both. So you can choose the guy side" attitude. But I don't really think things work this way. I meet new people every day, and falling in love happens on accident, before my brain can process "This is a girl. This is off-limits." If they understood this, they'd know that things aren't as easy as they're making them out to be. They also feel that if I'd not hang out with gay girls then I'd never have a chance to date women. This, also, seems a flawed viewpoint to me. But, hell, they are doing a lot better than I thought they would, and I'm happy. Lately I've been wondering about my sexuality, though. The thought has crossed my mind that I've been fooling myself this whole time into thinking I'm attracted to men. I really hope this isn't true because I REALLY want a husband and children. I wonder if I want this for myself or for my family, though. But then I remember the way I felt about Tony and know that I'm not a lesbian. = )

I was at my brother's 40th birthday surprise party last night, and I felt CLOSE to him for the first time in a long time. It was actually nice. It makes me wonder if I always assume he's going to treat me a a certain way and then shelter myself. So it's probably been my fault this whole time as much as his. Anyway, we had THE BEST time. We watched a home video from 1997, though, and I was in a bikini in it. I was SO THIN (well, thin for me). It was both disturbing and comforting...and it kind of jump started my dieting willpower again. (I say this now and hope the attitude doesn't change!) It's odd to see an image of yourself and actually like it. I think that was the "comforting" aspect of it...to know that I have the potential to look a way I actually like. I wish I could have that now, and so many people have said, "You just need to like yourself the way you are." But I haven't been able to. So I guess my only choice is to change myself into something I like. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. My lack of confidence in my appearance is the only thing keeping me from embracing everyone, the way I truly want to...because I LOVE people. But as long as I keep thinking, "I look horrible. They wouldn't want anything to do with me," then I'm not being myself. This is why the change is so necessary.

Jessica, Zach, and I took a tour of a house the other day, and it was the most perfect, wonderful house. I could feel "home" in it. I'm SO excited about living with them. When we three are together, it's like we're all on ecstasy or really stoned or something...because all we do is laugh and have a great time. And I trust Zach when he says I'll like the other guy we'll be living with. It'll make it better, actually, because then it won't be just me, Jessica, and Zach...that would be very "third wheelish" to me, even though they have a history of including me in their flirtation. There's a great chance we won't get this house, but I'll keep my fingers crossed. It's FIVE minutes from my work. This means I can roll out of bed ten minutes before I have to be into work, throw on clothes, and still make it to work...though not looking presentable...hehe.

I just got back from visiting dad's grave. It was so nice...I love him so much. I felt I had a lot of unresolved issues. I wanted to face him after everything that's happened this month and make sure I was still "okay" with him, even though I know the thought of him being mad or not loving me is ridiculous...humans judge each other, but in the place he's at, people have evolved way beyond judgment; I can just feel it. For some reason, I always have these ideas of him talking to me or feeling him touch me...but he never communicates with me in this way, nor has he ever. He always communicates with me in the exact same way, yet when he starts doing it, it still takes me by surprise. By some force beyond my control, my head always lifts up to the sky. On this particular day, the sun happened to be situated RIGHT on my face when daddy let this happen. I wonder why he chooses this way to communicate. Maybe it's his way of telling me to stop walking around with my head down, hating myself. I love him. = )

Well, that's good for now. I have to go to work soon and need some food beforehand.