Well, my euphoric, happy high is over. I'm still feeling content, though. I'm realizing how many wonderful things there are in my life. But I keep getting periodic reminders of Liz and Jen. I haven't wanted to talk about it in my journal, but it's false of me not to. I was doing SO well. And I KNOW in my heart that everything happened for the best. There's no way any of us could possibly be together ever again, as much as I want it. But I still feel hurt over it. I still miss everyone. It still bothers me how Liz expressed total hatred of me and how Jen expressed never being able to forgive me. I can see where Jen's coming from, but I'm a bit lost about how Liz feels. I think they both think that I've been secretly pining for Liz this whole time, but I really haven't. I've really done my best to stay out of their way, as I've been rooting for them--really thinking they were meant to be. It just changed recently. I didn't mean for it to. It happened so quickly that I didn't get a chance to think of what I was doing. I can't remember thinking at all...just FEELING, and giving into my feelings. This dumbfounds me because I always think TOO much. I was, as I said, doing fine. But then I saw Dave at Vertigo. He said, "This whole thing will blow over." I said, "No it won't." I don't know if he thinks this is some little, temporary fight we're having. I don't know if he knows "Never talk to me again" conversations were had. Then I saw Amy at the movies last night. I hugged her and told her I missed her. I don't think anyone really knows how to act towards me. And that sucks. But I don't blame them. I wish I'd never see anyone again. It would make everything easier...I really was doing FINE until I saw people this week. Even seeing Angelina made me almost cry. I hate that for her because I know I may find myself distancing myself from her...and she doesn't deserve that. But I've already decided to stop reading her journal, as she talks to "the queers" in it, and Liz has replied to her entries recently. I know time will heal this. Time just isn't passing quickly enough. I wonder if either of them think of me anymore. I wonder if I'm the only one having trouble getting over this. Liz just kicked me out of her life...and it appeared as though she did it to so easily. I wonder if it's bothered her at all. I wonder if she misses me. We were best friends. I miss her...what we had up until recently. But we can't ever have that again. So I should stop thinking about it. Hopefully this will be the last I talk about it.

I had such a busy week. I went clubbing 2 nights in a row, both after I went to school and worked. Vertigo wasn't the best. The music kind of sucked. But being with Corey always makes for a good time, regardless. The Warehouse was actually the funnest time I've probably ever had there. It was mainly because I saw a lot of my friends there and flirted with a lot of people. It's funny because a lot of the time we blame how many people flirt with us on luck or on the people themselves...but I really think we give off a vibe that draws people to us. I had a confident vibe on Wednesday, and I think people picked up on that. I'll try to give off that vibe more often. If I can force myself to forget for just a little while that I'm overweight and dislike the way I look, I actually can approach people and have a really great, intimate time with them. I'm a warm person, and people really take well to that. I think all people are warm people deep down, but everyone feels compelled to distance him or herself from everyone else. I think it's a comfort zone, thing. So I guess what I'm saying is that when I forget that I don't like the way I look, my comfort zone breaks down, and I openly embrace people. And they accept my embraces. = ) I met this guy David that I think is absolutely awesome. And I danced with my friend Jeff, whom I think might like me because, well, his boy parts reacted...haha. No, besides that, though, I really think he's expressed liking me for most of the time I've known him. I just kind of thought that he did that to everyone--was one of those kinds of people--but maybe I really am special. I might try to start hanging with him outside of the club. We'll see.

The guy I met at the store has really showed me some sides of him I don't want to deal with. He got really drunk the other night and started disrespecting me. I think guys think that if they tell us they want to fuck us, it's a compliment to us. And to some of us women, it might be. But not me. So the next time I talk to him, I'll tell him that I want to keep it purely platonic between us, meaning he doesn't need to tell me the things he wants to do to me anymore. The thing is, though, I don't even know if I want to be his friend anymore, now, because I'll always remember the way he said, "I had a dream that I was banging the hell out of you." I have no problems with him having a sex dream or two about me. I have sex dreams about everyone. And I will even tell them. But there's always an element of respect there, and that element wasn't present in our conversation. He also was kind of creeping me out. We were having a serious conversation about something he's dealing with right now. He only lives maybe a block from my house. It was 11:30 at night. He said, "I'm walking over to your house right now." I said, "You better not be." He said, "Yes, I am. I'm on your porch. I'm getting ready to ring your door bell." And I started freaking out because I was in my pajamas, and my mom was sleeping in the basement...and I was just thinking, "How dare he!?" But then he said he was joking...but I still didn't like it. I sympathize with the issue he's dealing with right now, and I truthfully want to help him with it, as it is an issue I enjoy counseling people on...but it doesn't change the fact that he's now disrespected me and crossed lines that, once people cross, I don't care to have them in my life anymore. So I don't know how I'll proceed with the situation. He called me last night, but I wasn't home. And I saw him in the store yesterday, but he didn't see me...and I avoided him. We'll see what happens.

I was just talking to my sister and giving her updates on my life, and she will make remarks like, "I keep praying that that side of you goes away." I don't know if she realizes how this affects my self-esteem. I check out chicks...that's not going to change. I can't "pray that side away." It makes me feel like she only loves half of me. I'm very torn. I, with all my heart, want a husband and children--a "normal" life. But it doesn't change the fact that there was an absolutely beautiful female at American Eagle last night. I can't ignore my feelings. I was staring at her uncontrollably. I do this with men, too, sometimes. I really am just obsessed with people. It really scares me sometimes...because I don't know of other people are like this.

My eating is crazy lately. I can't keep it under control. It's driving me insane. I want to lose weight really quickly, so it's tempting to starve myself. But what would I do after I was done losing the weight? For the rest of my life, I'd struggle to keep it off...it would just suck. I'm going to have to worry about this for the rest of my life. I'm always going to have to keep my eating compulsion under control. If I had no self-control, I'd sit home all day and not go to work or school...and just eat. That scares the hell out of me. It's no wonder I'm not 400 pounds. At least alcoholics can stop drinking cold turkey and avoid alcohol at all cost. I can't STOP eating. It's like giving the alcoholic half a glass of wine and saying, "Okay, that's all." God help me, I feel like giving up and just being fat, sitting home, and watching soap operas forever. I know my mom would support my fat ass, too. But I think I'd kill myself. I need contact with people or else I get really depressed. And, being 400 lbs., I'd not want to see anyone. So, yeah, that wouldn't be good. I need to stop talking about this.

Depressing journal article...but things really are looking up. School's almost over, and my grades are salvagable (spelling?), though I didn't go to class half the quarter. And I am so beside myself with excitement over living with Jess and Zach. I love them SO MUCH. They make me SO happy.

Oh yeah...Jessica diagnosed me as "only going for people who are off-limits" in terms of my love life. SHE'S SO FREAKING RIGHT! This has been right in front of my eyes all this time, yet I've not seen it. So my new goal is to date someone who's not BAD to date. This sounds simple, but it's really not! Because I find myself not even wanting people I'm "allowed" to date. I wonder what this funky symdrome I have stems from. Maybe it's from being told I wasn't allowed to do things my whole life. I even ended up having fooling around with my ex on the phone the other night...after writing that other journal entry. So, yeah, I'm going to try to be strong from now on and date readily available people whom I'm "allowed" to date.

<~~~