My nape piercing is so ate up. The right side is infected. It's all hard that way your ear piercing can get hard. Last night I cut the thread shorter, too, thinking it would draw less attention to it if the ball was closer to the hole (if I'm making any sense)...but now it's sore. And I'm sure it's red as hell. I'm scared to look at it.

Last night I visited Kim at her new apartment. We ate dinner at a restaurant/bar in Oxford that she and her fiance (shocking, I know) work at. I actually had a REALLY good time. I think I've changed a lot in the past year or so...now I'm outgoing and not shy around people really. She, her boyfriend, this one guy (Strizee or something), and I sat around and smoked, drank, and played Euchre. I had never played before...it took me awhile to catch on. I've never been good at cards. Various other people filtered in to play on occasion. I just had layback fun and wasn't worrying the whole time about how badly people must hate me (my usual reaction to meeting new people, which is the reason I'm generally quiet around new folks). For whatever reason, I was chain smoking like a mother fucker (like half a pack in 2 hours)...like I was an actual smoker--wasn't coughing or anything, and was craving more and more of those damned things. I even smoked on the way home. I have not perfected this, though, because I was swerving all over the road! When I got home, the rush of all the shit I had just put in my body caught up to me, and I got really sick. And I feel absolutely disgusting today, as well. I can still taste the shit in the back of my throat, despite brushing my teeth a few times. I wonder when it will go away. I'll chew a bunch of gum today. I will never become a smoker. And, for the time being, I plan on never smoking again. I don't see how people can stand their mouths tasting like this all the time. I really like Kim's fiance. His name is Josh. They belong together. It's so neat to see her in love. Sometimes when you see someone in love, it's like seeing him or her for the first time. I saw a lot of irony in Kim settling down and no longer being "wild" as opposed to my 180 degree reversal as of late.

I said I'd not talk about this again, but oh well. I must say that I really dislike the existence of livejournal. I have been very good about not spying on the girls, but I did today. Had livejournal not existed, I'd be able to more successfully continue my journey of cutting these people out of my life and my mind. But it's not easy at all, as I feel so connected to EVERY person I meet, therefore OBSESSIVELY connected to close friends. I know people who can just cut people out of their lives and never look back. Sometimes I wish I were more like that. I really don't know why I read their journals because I'm feeling particularly okay about the situation lately and haven't felt like I "need" them as much. But I just did it on a whim. It seems their relationship isn't doing that well. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm not going to pretend to be really sad for them because I'm not. I think I mainly felt lack of surprise. I don't think any relationships are completely salvagable after cheating occurs. I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Out of all of the stuff I read in Conversations With God, the stuff the hardest to grasp for me was love, mainly monogamous love. The second book (I think) was talking about how monogamy isn't really our nature...because we are beings made soley (spelling?) of love, so there should be no limitations on love (i.e. shell it out to as many people as you want). I've always thought that if you truly loved someone, you'd NEVER be able to love another and NEVER think of being with another. But I'm starting to really wonder. Don't get me wrong...if I had a significant other right now and cheating occurred, I'd be horrified. But rationally thinking of things without getting my emotions involved, why can't people love more than one person? Love isn't a limited amount of something that, if you give some to one person, there will be less left to give to another person. It's not a supply that can deplete. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high...and infidelity is so rampant--because people are trying to give their love to one person...but it's actually inherent in us to love many? Maybe it's our nature, and we don't even realize it. This still doesn't change the fact that when I find myself in a relationship, I still will want fidelity. But looking at it from an unbiased perspective, maybe society has everything all wrong. The reason I've brought this up is because she has been saying, "I just love her so much. She's my world. I can't live without her" etc. etc. etc. this whole time..but if she loves her so much, how could the thought of being with someone else even cross her mind? I really don't understand love. And I really can't read their journals anymore. It just makes me feel icky. Though I shouldn't care what people think, I find myself wondering what all of the friends think of me. No one's gotten to hear from me at all...I'm just this estranged person now. They probably hate me. As for their relationship, I had always wanted it to work. But can it work if, only a year into the relationship, infidelity already occurred? This doesn't go along with what I was saying about the nature of love (though I am not inferring that she loved me...though I do believe she had some feelings for me, which she began denying toward the end)...but, hell, I don't know...I'm pulled so many different ways on the issue. No more journal-reading, Regina. No more. Make your past your past. Hopefully THIS will be the last I talk about any of this.

Yuck, yuck, yuck...bad mood now. I have a little while before work. I think I'm going to exercise to get some endorphins going. I didn't even go to class today...not because of depression or anything...because of sheer laziness. I only have 2 more days of class to skip...haha. Please nicotine, escape my throat.

<~~~