I just got an e-mail from Shannon. We've been trying to figure out how we're going to go about getting together for her birthday party on Monday. In it, she said the following: "I want my 3 best friends there the most, and I have two of them so far (you and Sarah)..." When I read that sentence, I felt nauseated. I feel a mix of sadness and guilt. The sadness is because we most definitely are not best friends and never will be again. She's a completely different person, and so am I. And I feel little to no bondy connection with her anymore. Her personality clashes with mine. I've tried so hard to make our friendship work, to get it back to the "best friend" status it once was. But I just CAN'T. It won't work. We were SO close growing up. We depended on each other for EVERYTHING. We talked on the phone every single day for 2 hours, in addition to spending 6 hours in school together. And we never ran out of things to talk about. We had sleepovers every weekend almost, and we'd stay up all night talking. I loved her so much. And I still love her. I just don't like her. And I think that's why I feel so guilty...she called me one of her BEST FRIENDS. We never talk! And when we do, we always small talk, and it's always me trying to weasle my way out of the conversation because, for some odd reason, I feel REALLY uncomfortable around her. There's no way she could think of me as a best friend. And, if she does, then I feel really sorry for her because...well...she must not have any good friends then. My biggest suspicion, though, is that she decided to throw that official title in there as a way of saying, "I don't really want to give up on us." You know how sometimes you really, really want to hang onto a relationship with someone, so you go out of your way to compliment him or her constantly and call the person your best friend? I think that's what she's doing. And, for a long time, I tried to hang on, too. But after I realized that I was holding onto something that no longer existed, I gave up. And I moved on. I don't think she's moved on yet. I think the reason she's not moved on is because her life has 2 facets: school and Tony. She has no life outside of her boyfriend and her school. She rarely goes out with friends. I feel like she's stopped trying to grow. And I think that's why she's trying to hold on to her past...because it's pretty much all she has. For awhile I thought we were going to be okay, but now I just don't know. I wish we could have some sort of normal relationship, but I just don't know if that's possible. Sigh. I have a headache.