You know, I don't really have anything in particular to talk about, but I really feel like writing, and I have 45 minutes to kill, so why not? So what's on my mind lately? I'm actually very content and happy right now. I have been for the past week. The main reason is that for some reason, I gave up being so rigid on myself. I didn't do it on purpose...it just kind of happened. The fact that it "just kind of happened" leads me to believe that maybe a higher power played a big role. You know, for some strange reason, the idea of "God" makes me really uncomfortable. And I don't know why. I pray to God, but my heart's never in it. But I do know that all my life, I've been praying that God free me from the shackles I put myself in, mainly with my food problems. Up until a year ago, food was the main problem...my need to be in strict control of everything that goes into my body (and, of course, continuously failing because of constant self-denial and consequential binging). But just the past year, it just kept multiplying...I became obsessive about almost everything else in my life, too. Anyone who knows me well knows what I mean...I was always wanting to cut things out, even besides food, stuff like drinking and smoking and caffeine, and the list goes on. And the food thing got even more psychotic...I was going to give up bleached flour and anything with preservatives and sugar and anything with fat. Then just a couple weeks ago, my sister Ruth was talking about my turning 21 in June and how she and Rose would take me out to go drinking, and I thought to myself, "Yeah, that will be so fun!" And I forgot to think, "I can't drink! It will pollute my body." And I think that might have been a big first step to my not being obsessive-compulsive anymore. And now I'm...fine. It's SUCH an odd feeling. It almost brings tears to my eyes because I can't emphasize enough how HARD my life was and has been the past few years, ever since my quasi-anorexia right before Freshman year of high school. And I don't binge anymore...and I don't WANT to...because I'm eating enough, and I guess my blood sugar is balanced out now. I feel amazing, and I'm exercising almost every day, and I think I'm still somehow slimming down a bit, even though I'm eating a considerably large amount of food. I really think God has blessed me, and even though it took about 5 years, it was worth the wait. It's just odd that I didn't have to go through any big, long process...I seriously just snapped out of it. I hope I don't have a relapse. But, as for the God thing, that's something I've been weird about ever since realizing I'm not straight. And even though I believe in my heart that God doesn't judge me for my physical attraction to members of the same sex, I still can't seem to find a way to communicate with God anymore. And I'm going to work on that...I just keep putting it off...which really sounds ridiculous...but I can't help it because I don't know where to begin. The funny thing is that I KNOW I'm a good person, and I KNOW I'm very spiritual...why can't I pray then? Why do I sometimes cringe when I hear Jesus' name? I'd even consider myself Christian on some level...so I'm very confused. I'm really looking forward to Christmas break because I have a lot of plans. I want to read A LOT of books on spirituality. I am one to learn A LOT from other people's journeys, so maybe God will throw a book in my path that will help me. In addition, I'm going to work on getting some of my poetry published over break, which I'm VERY excited (but nervous!) about. I just know 2002 is going to be a momentous year for me, and I can't wait to find out why. = )

John called moments ago. Glimpsing on the caller ID that it was he who was calling, I didn't answer. He left me a message asking me to go out tonight. I have to babysit (in about 5 minutes...I'll write the rest of this later), so I couldn't go period. But I WANTED to because I am THAT big of a loser that I want to go on a date THAT badly even though he's a pervert. SO, I have decided that I'm not going to avoid him because I can see us being at least somewhat good friends if we actually would spend time together and get to know one another. But I'm going to talk to him and lay the law down that we're ONLY going to be friends. And if he makes any more innappropriate sexual comments to me, I'm going to tell him to back off. As strong as I say I am, I'm really not. I need to start telling people when something rubs me the wrong way, not just go along with it and then try to get out of it later. I do that SO often. I did that with that Lisa chick who wants me to go to her Bible study. ("Would you be interested in a Bible study, Regina?" "Um...SURE!") I'm going to call her soon, too, and just tell her I'm sorry for not calling her back and my viewpoints on the Bible. Yes, things are going to be lots better. Well, I'll write more when I get home from babysitting. I hope Nicholas is respectful toward me this time. Let's keep our fingers crossed...

Just got back...they weren't horrible. We watched Casper's Christmas (or whatever) and James and the Giant Peach. The Casper movie was really cute, but James and the Giant Peach was SO boring, which is disappointing because Tim Burton was a producer. The graphics were amazing, of course, because of Tim...but the movie was just soooo draggy. Those kids are so crazy. I really do love them. I just don't understand why Nicholas feels the need to act out the way he does. But oh well. Dan and Tammy got back, and I was sleeping. I woke up completely drenched in sweat. Why do you sometimes sweat profusely when you sleep? I wonder. Anyway, I was going on and on about my life and things I'm excited about right now, and I hate it when people just SIT there and act so uninterested. And it really sucks because 95% of people do this. But I will not dwell because then I will get in one of my "People suck because they're self-centered and only want to worry about things relating to themselves" moods. Tammy mentioned her and Dan's being worried about my mom because of her problems remembering things. And, though I don't mention it often, it's REALLY bad. I think I try to ignore it. A large reason is that, though this is very wrong of me, I am VERY bitter towards her because of her inability to remember things, especially things that are VERY important to me. Her memory problems have seriously put a damper on our relationship because I don't bother to tell her anything anymore, knowing she'll soon forget, and I'll just have to keep telling her. Also, when she forgets things that are important to me, I tend to think she just doesn't care and is an all-around bad mom. And, while I don't think that's entirely the case and that she really does have a bad memory problem, she is also really good at remembering SOME things, mainly things she truly cares about, like things related to the family business. Or she can remember a fight that she and Rose had 15 years ago because Rose is the child she obsesses over, and she always will be. I can see where Ruth's coming from in her long, dramatic, "I'm the forgotten middle child!" monologues. Mom really does take Ruth for granted. Funny how you spend the most energy on people who give you the most grief. Human nature is crazy. Anyway, Tammy and Dan might confront mom about her memory loss after Christmas. They think she should get checked out by a doctor. They fear she might be in the early stages of Alsheimer's and that they might be able to give her medicine to slow down the process. This all makes me very sad, so I'm going to stop talking about it now.

I heard a Tool song today on the radio, and I am clueless about what album it's on. I know I've heard it before, and I'm pretty sure it's Tool...I'm totally stumped. I'm going to see if Channel Z's website is any help at all.

I turned in my last Research Methods paper today. I'm very excited. Now I just have to read MANY chapters in my Psych book and study lecture notes. I'm still worried about passing the class. But I don't think God would let me come this far and then fuck me over. Gosh, could break take any longer to get here!

I'm talking to Christy about piercings. She is a body modification FREAK. She had cuts put under her breasts in the exact way they cut you when they're doing breast implants. I don't like scars...they just don't seem pretty to me. But piercings do, to an extent. I guess what's "pretty" is in the eye of the beholder. I still haven't decided what I want to pierce. I'm thinking twice about the cleavage piercing. I kind of want one on the nape of my neck now. Hmm.

I forgot to mention...I meditated the other night, TRULY meditated. It was VERY scary and VERY exhilarating at the same time. I can't meditate sitting up with my legs crossed, as many people do. I meditate lying down on my back. I've never really meditated correctly before because I always get distracted and give up after about 5 minutes. But I tried to repeat a mantra, just for the hell of it, and that really helped because it blocked out surrounding noise. You begin hearing your voice as this hollow, reverberating thing that takes over your body. And after awhile, you don't even hear the words you're saying anymore. You just become this force. You don't feel your body anymore. You just feel this immense amount of energy and pressure inside of you. I was a bit overwhelmed at it, so I opened my eyes, and immediately I was brought out of it. It felt like hypnosis. This is definitely something I'm going to pursue further. I'm excited to finally get something out of it.

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