I am a genuinely happy person right now. That doesn't happen very often, so I want to take advantage of it and write it down so that I can refer to this journal entry on a sad day and know that things won't stay sad forever. I'm watching Dr. Phil's "Get Real Challenge" on Oprah right now (well, it just ended, but I was a second ago), so if I am overly dramatic, I have a reason. I think a big part of why I'm so happy is that Research Methods isn't seeming so hard anymore. I shouldn't speak too soon because I still have finals...but, anyway. I have come to realize that I have led a relatively easy life. I've never really done anything I didn't want to do before. If I don't want to study for a class, I don't study...and I usually still do pretty well. If I don't want to go to church, I don't...and I end up making an excuse up about being "above organized religion" or something of the like. If I don't want to go out with my friends, I usually find a way to get out of it. I used to skip school in high school just because I was having an "ugly" day...I skipped class a couple weeks ago because I was having an "ugly" day, too. I don't volunteer often with AVOC because "I'm too busy." I didn't follow through with the Rape Crisis Counseling training because it was 40 hours of training, which I rationalized myself not having time for. It makes me sad to think of all this because I'm realizing I've never really applied myself my whole entire life. Though I'm very giving, I'm also very selfish. But deep down I know I'm not. I've been doing some reading lately, and I've come to realize that, as much as I think I know myself, I really don't at all. There's a lot of my childhood that's fuzzy, and I truly think it's because I had a troubled childhood. To be honest, I can't recall anything bad happening. As far as I know, I wasn't abused...I was a pretty happy kid. But I just have a feeling I'm hiding behind something. And my New Years Resolution this year is going to be to tear away all the falsity I'm hiding behind and delve deep into my subconscious and free myself. And I think that after I do that, I won't have to always be questioning everything. I'll just have this amazing truth. I'm starting to find that truth...it's as though I'm getting one little baby spoon bite of it once a week or something...so that it's not enough to fill me, but it leaves a sweet taste in my mouth. Anyway, I was supposed to be talking about Research Methods. Research Methods...I got a 96.5 on my third paper! And I did the extra credit last night. Amanda told me that with my extra credit, my lab report grade would be a 92. I was hyperventilating ecstatic (though not in front of her...but after I got out the door!). As much as I bitch about Amanda, I really think I like her, and this isn't only because she gave me a good grade. I just think she's swell. Anyway, this lab report grade leaves me with probably an A for lab. The only way it can get brought down to a B is if I fail the lab exit exam, I think...though I REALLY don't understand the grading system in that class. So now I just have the lecture exam and book exam to worry about. I'm mainly worried about the lecture exam because it's based on Dr. Warm's notes, and I have never been an exceptional note-taker. But, I didn't think I could do the papers, and I kicked ass on them. So maybe I can kick ass on the final, too. Let's just say that Christ (whom I can happily say I see in a new, less scary light...thus will actually TALK about now) and I are gonna be having a very one-on-one relationship in the next two weeks. That old soul's gonna be sick of hearing from me. After I got my grade, I went out and told this girl Alysia (definitely the coolest way I've seen "Alisha" spelled to this day) about my grade because I was so overflowing with happiness that I couldn't contain myself. She and I talk on occasion, and she's called me for help in the class before. When I told her my grade, she got ALL crazy and just hugged the heck out of me. It was, by far, the most amazing moment of the day. And then she hugged me again before I left...I never knew she was SUCH a cool person! I'm always intimidated by her because she's always talking to this other Sarah girl, and they seem really bondy, so I feel bad talking to them, like I'll "intrude" or something. Anyway, I'm going to start surprising people with hugs. I mean, I always hug my friends. But maybe I'll start hugging mere acquaintances. For instance, at work the other day, this girl came in. And I didn't get a good look at her to notice she was all teary-eyed. So I asked her, "How are you?" She said, "Miserable." I said, "Aw, what's wrong?" And she just looked me right in the eye and broke down! And I said, "Aw, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to!" And she nodded her head, so I thought she'd keep quiet about it...but then she blurted out, "My boyfriend is falling for my roommate!" I didn't know what to say to her! We, of course since it's the easy way out, began saying "Typical male" and bashing all men (even though I know there are plenty of great men and plenty of horrid females)...but I really just wanted to hug her. And thinking back on it now, maybe I should have. I wonder if it would have been weird for her. See, now I have to wonder...thus, I have a bit of a regret. And I should live my life so that I never have a regret. GRRR, Regina, you dumbass. Anyway, RESEARCH METHODS...it has taught me that I'm not taking the easy way out anymore because the harder way is MUCH more rewarding. I'm also REALLY excited about becoming a Psychologist because, more and more, I'm realizing that this is really what I'm meant to do. I'm getting all teary-eyed thinking about it...oh to know what you're going to do with your future...it's so happiness-causing!

My sister Ruth had a really amazing dream about our father. I'm not going to describe it because my writing it will do no justice to hearing her tell me in her own words while crying. After she told me about the dream, we talked about dad. I began to feel VERY sad for having never known him...at least not remembering. Ruth was recounting to me the way he'd wait every morning for mom to bring me downstairs, just out of bed, so that he could bounce me on his knee. She said he used to hold my hands goofy and pretend I was the conductor of an orchestra. Even when he was his sickest, he'd always ask mom to bring me to him and place me on his stomach. Or I'd lie on his back and give him a massage. I'm crying so hard again, just thinking about this. Most of the time I don't realize the tremendous void I feel. I want a relationship with him so badly. I ache for him. I just remember the dream I had about him...my being worried that once I met him, he'd be ashamed of who I am since I'm so different than he and mom raised their children to be. But he wasn't...he just looked at me, and I could tell everything was okay. God I wish he was here. He could fix so many things. I really think that maybe, in my 1-year-old state while bouncing up and down on his lap, he and I had some sort of supernatural understanding between us. Maybe he somehow told me, "Kid, I won't be around too much longer. You're in charge of finishing what I started." I can't finish it until I break my fucking wall down. Dammit, if only my brother Dave could write a book. The world could then read it, and everyone could be 100% wonderful people, including me. It's amazing because he didn't even have to WORK at it. It just came to him naturally. He's so amazing. Anyway, I am determined to have a relationship with this man. Just because he's not alive in my physical life, I know he's around. He's probably pissed at me because I block him out all the time. I don't do it on purpose...it's just that everytime he gets mentioned in my family, his being "with God" gets mentioned...and the God thing is still weird with me. But everything is slowly unfolding...why I'm the way I am, why things have sometimes royally sucked in my life. Everything's going to be okay. I need to chill the fuck out.

My friends are coming home for Thanksgiving break. Their coming home conjures up a mix of feelings for me. While I feel utterly elated, I also feel almost sick to my stomach. I think it's because I always get this mental image of how things are going to be before they happen, and then they're NEVER as good in real life. It's like...I'm not going to see Karen again in the context of us running towards each other in slow motion and embracing and crying. I just always feel a really big letdown when I'm with people I really love. And I don't know why. But I also feel amazing, so I guess you have to take the bad with the good. But I want to get to the bottom of WHY I feel so bad and letdown. Geez, everything's so jumbly in my head. I still feel happy, though, I promise!

I went to Kim's birthday party on Sunday night, and I (oh, Corey just called me, and I almost had a heart attack at how excited I was to hear his voice!)..and I got stuck talking to this Nikki girl that was in my dorm Freshman year at Miami. I welcomed talking to her, mainly because having her to talk to made me look like less of a loser. But I was just amazed at how little she's changed. I'm amazed that people can live a life of getting drunk every single weekend and having random "hook-ups" (as she calls them)...and be totally gratified by this. She was telling me all about her guy of now, and he sounds like he's TOTALLY using her, and I don't think she realizes it. I really did enjoy talking to her...I always did kind of like her because she was one of the decent girls in our dorm...but I just couldn't get over that her cycle has not ended yet. And she was telling me about the other girls that were in our corridor, too, and they're the same way still! It's as though the 2 years since I've seen her haven't even existed. I just wonder if I have something wrong with me. Should I be digging the whole drunken-parties-and-one-night-stands college life? I would have an ulcer if I lived that life. I'd be all suicidal after every single dude I slept with didn't call me the next day. Goodness. Anyway, unlike Kim's last party, in which I smoked pot, opened up, and became the life of the party for a mere instant, I was the quiet girl in the corner at this party. I think it's because the people there seem so different than me. One really weird thing was that Kim and Carina (her roomie) both asked me, "So any guys...or girls in your life right now?" I just had to take a half step back because I'm so not used to being asked that. It was kind of interesting. I'm a little disillusioned with Kim's behavior...basically, Carina began dating one of Kim's best friends, Doug. They dated for a little over a year, I think, and during that time, distance formed between Kim and Doug and between Kim and Carina, too. Carina and Doug ultimately broke up, I think a few mos. ago, though. Well Carina told me on Sunday that she and Doug were fighting a few weeks ago, and she slapped him...and he PUNCHED her -- gave her a black eye! And Kim's viewpoint on it is, "You slapped him first. It was your fault." So she's still friends with Doug! I'd not have anything to do with him if I knew he gave one of my friends a black eye. Kim's really layback, but there are certain situations where you need to start being a bit stricter about your life choices, this being one of them.

Well, I don't think there's a whole lot more to say for now. I've decided that I'm going to be more honest in my journal entries. I always hold things back for fear of what people who read it might think. I'm going to try to not do that anymore. I will "Get Real," as Dr. Phil says. The main is annoying, but he knows what he's talking about. To the shower I go.

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