Dear Journal,

I kick so much ass.

One feels wonderful when one stops sitting around and letting things be awful and FINALLY takes some gosh-darned ACTION.

Background...

Today I walked into my brother Dan's house. I was in a VERY wonderful mood. This slowly changed. Most of the time, my family is together for holidays. But it just happened that this year, everyone, for some reason or another, had to go to the in-law's house. So Ruth ate Thanksgiving dinner at Shawn's mom's house. Rose and Kevin ate at Kevin's mom's. Dave and Di ate at Di's mom's. Thus, mom and I didn't really have any place left to go to. Danny and Tammy offered to have us over. Tammy's mom passed away like two years ago. Her father's still alive, but he's pretty much a vegetable. She's visiting him tomorrow...he lives in a nursing home 2 1/2 hours away. ANYWAY, so it was all fine and dandy. We were going to go over to Dan and Tammy's. Well, mom told Rose this, and then Rose, according to mom, must have gotten some sort of guilt complex about not being with mom on Thanksgiving. So she said, "Well, I'll stop over at Danny and Tammy's in the evening to visit you guys." Whatever caused Rose to decide to do this, I just think it's a nice thing to do. Mom acted like Ruth was going to then stop over, too. Well, it became SUCH a big stupid deal. I'd hear mom talking on the phone with Tammy about how it's SO rude that they just INVITED themselves over. Then mom said to me, as she always does when she's upset about something and attempts to force me to agree with her, "Don't you think that's pretty nervy of them to just invite themselves over?" I don't think it's nervy! I think it's nice! They were just going to come over later in the evening, when we had all eaten, so Danny and Tammy wouldn't have had to make dinner for them or anything. And, for Christ's sake, we're FAMILY! Everyone should be welcome in everyone else's house! I don't get where all this stupid BITTERNESS comes in! So anyway, there must have been some kind of miscommunication because I saw Ruth and asked her if she was coming over to Danny and Tammy's, too (like Rose), and she was like, "Oh, I didn't know about it. Sure, I'll stop by." And then when she was on the phone with mom, she acted like she didn't know about Rose's coming over, even though I know she did. So there was obviously something fishy going on. But, all that aside, mom got less "They're so rude" about things and switched to, "It'll be nice to see the girls." So I was happy. Well, getting back to walking into Dan's house...when I walked in, he was watching the Lions game. Apparently, he was very upset because they lost. Our family get WAY too into their football. It's really retarded. Anyway, then he turned around and just EXPLODED about how he was going to call Ruth and Rose and tell them not to come because he's so sick of opening his house to them when none of them ever do it for them. And then he brought up family fights from like 8 years ago, and it got REALLY ridiculous. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don't really know why because I already know how the feelings are in my family. But for some reason, when my brother Dan starts screaming, I cry. It's always been that way. So, not wanting to bust out crying in front of everyone, I retreated to the bathroom, thinking I could be sly about it. Well, when I got into the bathroom, I couldn't stop crying, even though I was fanning my eyes and plugging my tear ducts with toilet paper. My family are sometimes very oblivious of me, so I figured they'd not notice if I was in the bathroom for 15 minutes. But then Dan came to the door and said, "Jeannie, I'm sorry. Please come out." Well, I came out, bawling my eyes out. He apologized to me shortly after and gave me a hug, and he was crying a bit. And I said, "I'm just so sick of being in the middle of everything. I always have to hear people talking about one another." And then he said, "They talk about me? What have they said!" all defensive. (which wasn't the right thing for him to say at all...it kind of pissed me off...just put me in the middle more, brother) So I said, "No, everyone just wants to be together and love one another, but no one ever seems to know how." And I left it at that. I have a lot of problems with my brother Dan. I think I feel the most uncomfortable around him out of all my siblings. He has a certain inability to make me feel as though he really cares about me. I can't explain it, but sometimes I just feel really cold around him. Anyway, I finally stopped crying. We ate dinner, and it was nice and everything. Later, Ruth arrived. Then Rose, Kevin, and Meghan came, too. We all sat around and played boardgames. I had a really good time. Everyone laughed and cut up. You'd have never known that Dan was blowing his top just hours prior. THIS is how our family is. We never confront each other about everything. We hold stuff in and gossip, gossip, gossip. Some family members are even mad at people for stuff they've heard happened and didn't even get to hear both sides of. (Dave, Di, Dan, and Tammy are all very resentful towards Rose for the way she's treated mom, even though they've never heard Rose's story. I fell victim to this, too, until just recently when I realized mom's not all that perfect.) So, anyway, in the car on the way home, I was saying to mom how I'm so sick of our family being upset at one another. I just don't see why we can't all talk things out without so many accusations and so much hatred and so LITTLE listening. But I really don't think they're able! I really think that because of my amazing friend group, the Van, I have some kind of strange wiseness when it comes to disagreements. The Van has had PLENTY of disagreements. And we've had fights, but we always come out of them crying and hugging and saying "I love you" over and over. And then everything always ends up having been so petty, and we forget why we were fighting in the first place. And I just wonder why my family can't do this. I think I take for granted that maybe most people really DON'T know how to deal with stuff. So, anyway, I walked in my door, and I saw the Kairos (the spiritual retreat Badin students go on) letter I wrote to Matt sitting on our table. And I thought of how Kairos fixed so many things in my life. And it taught me how to love people unconditionally, even people I don't like...and that people are inherently good, even if they do bad things. And then a lightbulb went off in my head. I began typing a letter to my brothers and sisters (which I don't feel like looking up the codes for to make it look the way it looks in Word):

November 22, 2001

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I just got back from Thanksgiving at Danny and Tammy’s (and had a wonderful time!). I came home and saw my Kairos letter to Matt sitting on the table, and all of a sudden, an idea struck me. It would make me very happy if we’d all take the time to write each other letters for Christmas. I think we sometimes have trouble showing love to each other. I think Christmas 2001 would be a wonderful time for this to change! I know the amazing impact mushy, spiritual letter-writing has on people because of my Kairos experience. I sometimes still whip open my big old envelop of letters and feel those same tingly, warm, happy feelings I felt three years ago at my Kairos. So why don’t we have a little Vogt Family Kairos stuff goin’ on? Kairos means “God’s Time,” and I think God would be smiling super big if (S)He (you know me) saw all of us spreading love and joy amongst one another. So here is your assignment from me. I hope you’ll follow through with it. = )

Hand-write (it’s more personal than typing) a letter to each of your siblings and one to mom. I’m not going to make mom do this because she has enough to worry about already. I think we should actually keep it a secret from her. Between getting heart-felt letters from each of her children AND a super cool family picture, this quite possibly could be her best Christmas since dad died. And I think it could be OUR best Christmas, too. In your letter, try your best to be completely honest. Don’t hold anything back for fear of being too mushy or lovey-dovey. Remember the good, positive things about one another. Forgive (even if you can’t forget) any confrontations you may have had with one another in the past. When you’re done, please return the five letters to me. I won’t read them (even ones to me). I promise. I’m going to do something special with them...you will find out on Christmas. Try to get them back to me by like December 15th.

I’m excited about this. I think it’s going to be a really different, neat thing for us to do. I hope you guys are excited, too. I love you all!

Love,
Jeannie

So there we have it. I'm hoping they'll all be receptive of this idea. But there is the chance they will all run away shrieking. I doubt it, though. I'm going to mail the letter to them so it looks all official, like I mean business (which I do). When they give them all back to me, I'm going to put each person's letters in a binder. I'm going to root through photo albums and find great pictures of us, and I'll make copies and put them in everyone's binder. And I'm going to find lyrics to some of our family's favorite songs and print them out to put in the binders. Ideally, I'd make us all a CD of great songs to think about and remind us that we actually LOVE one another, but I'm not getting my CD burner until Christmas. MAYBE, just MAYBE I can convince mom to give it to me early. I'm REALLY, REALLY excited about this! I hope it can actually make a difference in our family. I think it will be good for mom, too. Her mind's really leaving...and I don't want us to run out of time. I'm really worried about her. = (

So this little plan of mine is why I kick so much ass. Oh my gosh, though, this is kind of a major thing. What if everyone gets all scared and hates me? I don't know...I hope not! Hopefully because of me, a change gon' come. (Indie.Arie reference there.)

Goodnight. I am thankful. (Except I consumed 4,500 calories today.)

<~~~