Wow, I'm such an in-denial person! I realized today that I'm SUCH an all-about-labels girl! I'm always walking around, saying, "I hate labels" and blah blah, and I have no idea why it's taken me so long to realize that I'm constantly trying to find new labels for myself. Okay, well, I kind of knew this all along, I guess, but who did I think I was fooling! I actually think the only thing I don't like to label is my sexuality since it's confusing to me. But other than that, I'm all about labels! They give me some sort of identity. They must be an indicator of my low self-esteem. Maybe one day I'll be label-free. But not yet. Because right now I'm obsessed with the straight-edge movement. I was obsessed with it a few months ago, but Tyrone gave me the big, "NO! STRAIGHT-EDGE PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND SCARY AND JUDGEMENTAL OF NON-STRAIGHT-EDGE PEOPLE!" That point in time was when I was Ms. Non-Polluted, which sounds mildly ridiculous...and did at the time, too, but it was more a joke than anything. Anyway, I don't know what made me decide to look up straight-edge stuff today. I think it was seeing "sXe" written on this really cute punk guy in my Sociology class' (I wonder if I'll ever know how to make a big long phrase that describes a person possessive) backpack. And every website I've read on it describes what I'd ideally love to be one day. So maybe there are ass-hole straight-edge people, but there are ass-hole non-sXe people, too. Maybe Tyrone just couldn't imagine a life without drugs, drinking, and sex...hehe. The only thing I don't dig is the whole punk-rock attachment to it. I've realized that a lot of things go together...like being sXe and being vegan and being "emo" (I've yet to figure out what "emo" music is) and being anti-racism and being anti-sexist or anti-homophobic. So there is, in fact, a whole breed of people who are JUST like me. This fact slightly scares me. Because, another realization...I've realized that I only like labels that are uncommon. While I'm all about animal liberation, I think vegetarianism was merely getting old to me since it's becoming so common...but veganism...now that's almost an insane thing to be in today's society. And being drug-free and sex-free and caffeine-free AND meat-product free is even MORE uncommon. Now this brings up a new quandary. I'm always all "Oh, poor me. No one relates to me. No one thinks like me. No one's like me. I'm all alone. Boo hoo." Well what the fuck do I expect when I try to live my life in a way that maybe 5% (tops) of the society lives. Oh, Regina, therapy please! Hehe...I'm just being silly. I'm a bit nutty, but if I wasn't, I don't know what I'd do with my time. God forbid I do homework. So, yeah, one day I'll be drug-free and animal products-free and caffeine-free...and I don't know how far the whole sex-free thing goes, but I think I do pretty well with it. That's probably the easiest part for me, though, since I don't want to have sex until I'm in love and don't have anyone I'm in love with right now. I just came across a great quote...

"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor never the tormented."

- Elie Wiesel

I don't know how I feel about this quote. It's worded in a way that automatically makes the reader think, "Hell yeah! Be an activist!" And I thought this at first. But, on the other hand, I'm a really big fan of freedom of thought. I don't think we should push our beliefs on anyone. But I guess certain beliefs SHOULD be filtered out of society, whether freedom of speech and thought exists or not...for example, racism, sexism. My mom and I had huge talk number fifteen-thousand (exaggeration) about homosexuality. SHE is the one who brings it up. I think she really wants me to stop thinking it's okay. And she doesn't like that I have so many gay friends. She doesn't think homosexuality in itself is wrong. But she thinks acting on such feelings is wrong. She thinks God gives us "crosses" and that we should put up with them...that we all have our trials. And while I agree, I don't think an in-grained need to love someone could ever be a "cross" or trial or anything we should suppress. Anyway, by my having gay friends, she's afraid I'll see something "immoral." Well, she doesn't mind my having gay friends...I should clarify. She doesn't like when I have gay friends who are dating each other. She's afraid they'll kiss or be romantic in front of me. And she thinks that a person who openly lets him or herself view sin is also a sinner. So I guess she thinks that if I see two people of the same sex kiss then I'm a sinner. And while I agree that sometimes it's not that great to put yourself in a position in which you're viewing something you disagree with, I DON'T disagree with it...SHE does. She doesn't understand that there are many, many ways of thinking. She thinks morality is ONE thing, ONE rule book. Anyway, one thing happened, and I don't know if it makes any sort of difference. She suddenly decided to take an active interest in my website. So I clicked through it not very thoroughly (I really don't think she'd want to know everything I talk about on here!)...she was reading my paragraph on the main page, about God talking to me. In that, I was referring to that time awhile back that I was way confused about religion and about whether God still loved me, despite that I'm attracted to women on occasion...and then I came across a webpage that, creepy enough, said MY name in it and was talking directly TO ME ("Regina, ...") and telling me that it's okay if my true love ends up being a girl. Well, mom asked me, "When did God talk to you?" I decided to show her that webpage, explaining it to her in a way that didn't give away my sexuality...she was actually pretty blown away. I think she thinks I believe the things I believe just for the Hell of it and have nothing to base them on. But every single belief I have is a product of extensive self-examination and prayer and research and reading...probably a lot more examination than she's ever done. But she also thinks that we, as humans, shouldn't always be so critical of everything and should have "child-like faith." You know, I kind of agree with that...just think of children. Aside from the ones who have screwy parents and are, thus, dysfunctional, children are so trusting and pure. I WANT to be child-like in my faith. But I'm not that kind of person. I've never been. I've always had to understand everything fully. I've always had to be able to formulate an explanation that makes perfect sense to me. And when something doesn't make sense to me, I find a way to fix my way of thinking about it or else find an alternate way to believe. And believing that God would frown upon two people sharing love, even if they're of the same sex, didn't make sense to me. I couldn't accept that.

ANYWAY, enough of me and my labels. I...really do have a crush on Jessica now. We were talking today. She broke up with her boyfriend Zack because he decided that he had to go visit his friend in Columbus to see whether he wants to date her or Jessica. She and I both agreed that that was absolutely horrible. So I guess they're just friends now. But I said to her, "He's going to come back from Columbus and say, 'I realized I love you, Jessica!'"...and she'll see his puppy-dog look and hot body (he is SO hot) and take him back instantly. And she said that was a possibility but that she'd try to be strong. *I* do not think I could resist Zack...he really is quite possibly the hottest African American man I've ever viewed, besides Brian McKnight maybe. = ) ANYWAY, she was telling me about how she played topless Twister with her friend this weekend, and they were lathered in baby oil. Keep in mind that she's really not one of those hyper-sexual people...and it wasn't sexual to her at all...just like...a normal activity. I just had to smile at her...she's so different than anyone I've ever met. And the person she played this eccentric version of Twister with was her ex-girlfriend. We got on the subject of girls...and I said I'd never kissed a girl before (with tongue), and she said she'd only kissed two girls that way...and then she said, "You and only one other of my girl friends are the only two I've not kissed." And I SO didn't know what to say after that! I wonder if it was an offer! Sigh. WELL, we're hanging out Friday. It'll only be the second time we've really hung out outside of school. We do have really cool schedules this quarter though and end up hanging out a lot between classes. Anyway, I'm going to stop talking about her again in this lovey-dovey manner because I only have a teensy crush on her, and I value our friendship more than anything.

Well, that's all. 'Night journal!