Before paper-writing-weekend-from-HELL starts, I thought I'd write a nice li'l journal entry. = )

Yesterday was wonderful. Well, it had its ups and downs. Early in the day, mom and I went to get an E-Check done for my car. It passed. But as we were getting out of the car and going into the little waiting room, she said to me, "You're so pretty honey." I thought, "Aw, how nice." And then she added, "If you just lost about 20 pounds, you'd have the boys all over you." My balloon inflated. I am VERY aware of my weight problem. I have ALWAYS been aware of my weight problem. I have always been OBSESSED over my weight problem. And it's also a very touchy issue. It's something I'M allowed to talk about, but no one else is. I've noticed that smokers are much the same way. They'll always go around saying, "I should stop smoking these damned things." But God forbid if you say to them, "You know, you should really stop smoking." I was so thoroughly upset by what she said to me that I nearly threw up. I should have been HAPPY because I have a hell of a lot more than 20 lbs. to lose! Sigh. But she bought me french fries, and I got over it...story of my life. Later I went shopping at the Berean Christian Store for presents for my Godson Michael's Baptism on Sunday. I feel an odd happiness when I'm in that store. I don't know why. I don't listen to Christian music (except the occasional P.O.D. and the song "Just Between You and Me" by DC Talk), and I'll probably never buy my children Veggie Tales stuff...but something about that store just makes my heart happy. I bought my mom a couple things for the baby's Baptism, and I bought him a cute little Precious Moments time capsule. And I went ahead and bought my mom's birthday present there since she's all about the big J.C. I got her a music box that's Santa holding Baby Jesus. I think it's a nice mix of being spiritual on Christmas but also having childish, Santa fun. She'll cry and call me her perfect, favorite child and love it. Then I went over to my sister Rose's house to pick up something for my computer she's letting me borrow. I thought I'd just be in and out, but she started talking to me and opening up to me about all this stuff. I've never felt so close to her. And, though I've recently begun understanding her and why she does what she does and, thus, have let go of my bitterness towards her, I don't feel I've fully understood her until last night. We reminisced over a lot of the fights she and mom had, fights that I've only heard mom's side of. It's so odd to have history retold to you in a completely different way. And she just went on and on about things that have happened to her the past couple years. She confided in me about so many things...we cried together about things, about our mother, about dad, about the state of our family. The whole time she was talking to me, my eyes were moist because I felt so connected to her and so in love with her. And I realized that we're, essentially, the same person. I've realized in the past how similar we are. And I used to pretty much hate Rose because of (allow me to sound dramatic and movie-esque) the brainwashing and inability to have one's own opinion that goes on in our family. So whenever something would happen that would make me realize how alike Rose and I are, I'd freak out and push the idea away. Well last night I saw that she handles things in life the same way I do...but still differently. I'll explain. A large part of who I am is my obsession with living a fruitful, healthy, as-perfect-as-possible life. This is screamingly obvious in the way I put all my energy in my homeopathic stuff--my exercise, attempts at eating healthy, attempts at losing weight and having a PERFECT body (unattainable, I know), being hyper-spiritual, finding all-around wellness. I seek a lot of self-discipline in my life. It's HARD to discipline yourself in today's society. I keep trying, and I acknowledge my failures and usually outline each and every reason I fail. I also find myself listening to a lot of people's problems and advising them that they could lessen their problems by doing a, b, and c (a, b, and c being things I'm constantly doing in my life to self-medicate...things that are obviously hard since I am yet to succeed). I'm really openminded about a lot of things, like religion, but I am convinced that people would feel perfect if they'd just stop sitting around drinking and smoking and blah blah. And I don't budge on that opinion. And I force it on others who probably (okay, usually) don't want to hear it. It's just that I get so EXCITED about finding all these ways to get happy, and I want to share them with other people. And I get discouraged when they don't want to try them. WELL, my sister Rose is the SAME way. She has a strong will to force her opinions and ways of life onto other people. Just the other day, she said, "I'm buying each and every person in our family a rosary because no one prays the rosary enough. I pray it each and every day." I just kind of looked at her and thought, "Ugh!" But then I'm like, "Duh, Regina...that's YOU with your poetry and your blah blah blah blah." Just the other day, I made Jessica read a poem I swear by, and I asked her if she liked it, expecting her to say, "Oh my gosh, Regina. I know what you mean. It's the best poem ever!" But she said, "I'm not sure. It's okay I guess." And I was DEEPLY wounded! Anyway, this is a big reason Rose and I are so similar. Another way in which we're similar is our desire to take care of people. Our sister Ruth is very...I don't know how to describe it...like, not self-sufficient. She never really has been a go-getter, never has taken the time to learn how to do things for herself. She depends on people to take care of her. This sounds like a bad quality, and maybe it is, but I can't associate a bad quality with my sister Ruth because she's a jewel, and I adore her. But Rose has kind of taken over Ruth and played a mother role to her. It's kind of strange, really. She'll drop by her house with some dinner she made for Ruth's family or with a great centerpiece she found that would look wonderful in Ruth's living room. I think I'm a lot like this, too...except I don't have the money to go buying everyone stuff for their house. Now if I did, that would be a different story. Anyway, getting back to reality, Rose and I wrapped up our heartfelt talk. She said she loved me, and I said the same to her. I got in my car to drive away, and I began crying my eyes out. Pushing her away for so many years when she's such an amazing person...how much I've missed out on! Rose is hurting so badly because of circumstances she's going through, and I see so much emotional instability in their family (think military man's family on American Beauty, except to a much lesser extent). There's a lot of focusing on what they look like on the outside. I think both Rose and Kevin think that if other people look at their family and see it as the perfect Brady-Bunch family that the REAL state of the family will somehow get fixed. But it won't work. And my poor sister will keep putting up her I-have-my-shit-together front and not let people in on the REAL her...her poor daughter isn't a normal little girl. There's so much going on in that family. I hope it fixes itself. It won't though. Anyway, while driving home last night, I was crying and feeling incredibly fulfilled. And I felt God so much. The only place I truly find God is in others. I think that's why I always feel empty when I'm alone.

The other night Liz and I were watching some show with "animal police" on...people who came and arrested people who abused their animals. Oh my gosh...I was crying. I can't BELIEVE people treat their animals some of the ways I witnessed on that show. From that moment on (here I go making stuff dramatic again), I vowed to always have the utmost respect for every living thing. I'm going to do my best not to wear anything that's made of animal skin or animal body parts or to use products with animal ingredients or to eat stuff with animal ingredients. It's going to be hard because I'm a big slacker on my veganism, but the difference now is that I'm doing it for ANIMALS (the way it's supposed to be) instead of to feel good about myself ("Ooh, I'm so cool that I can stop eating animal stuff."). I hate to admit it, but that's often the reason I do things I do...not so much so that I can brag about stuff but so that I can know I'm different and special, you know? I don't know how I went so long believing eating meat was okay. (I feel bad for saying this because I know meat-eaters might be reading this.) I read something the other day that really freaked me out. It was believed by most of society for many years that slavery was okay. Just because everyone does something doesn't mean it's okay. I'm not judging anyone but myself...and I feel I was so wrong for so long...but not really I guess because I didn't know any different.

Sociology class was interesting today. To make a long story short (because this is already a really long journal entry), there was a heated discussion about what's going on with the terrorist attack stuff. People were saying a lot of stuff with a very "My way is the only way" attitude and making fools of themselves. An Arab-American girl took a stand and gave her viewpoint. I was in awe of her courage. And she had such a peaceful yet stern opinion and...gosh, she just rocked. I wanted so badly to tell her that I thought the things she said were wonderful because she'd said she "knew people were probably frowning at her for what she was saying." Well, by the grace of God, I ran into her in the bathroom later, and I told her just that...that I totally agreed with everything she said. We ended up talking for a few minutes, and she was just gushing love and peace. I wanted to hug her. But I refrained. I felt strangely good for agreeing with her and the things she was saying. I think it's because the only other alternative today would have been to take on the "BOMB THE ARABS!" opinions that were floating around the discussion. Well, people weren't directly saying that, but it's what they were thinking. She's such a beautiful girl.

Okay, now I must begin writing the paper from HELL. PLEASE PRAY that I get a big fat A!

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