Aw man, I was in a totally decent mood until five minutes ago. I was watching A Wedding Story on TLC, and the girl talking had this voice that made me feel really strange. At first I wondered why, but then I realized it's because she talked just like Jessica. This isn't the Jessica I'm friends with now who's dating hot Zack with the dreds. This is Jessica from a year ago. To be completely honest, I don't think of her all that often, not the way I thought I would. She was the first girl I ever had real feelings for. We were so close, despite how far away we lived from each other. Yes, she was an internet girl. I've never met her. It sounds ridiculous, I know. For the most part, I'd say it's 99.9% impossible to fully fall in love with someone you've never met in person. But somehow I managed to grab that .1% chance. I've been blocking her out for so long that I had begun discounting how strongly I'd felt about her. But today I realized that it was, indeed, love. And when I fall in w/ love someone, even after I fall out of love with him or her, at least an ounce of that love remains forever. She and Tony are the only two people I've been in love with. I hate being in love. Something horrible happens to make it only a fraction of what I want it to be. I begin crying constantly because of my inability to have a love I can be completely confident in. I always felt as though I loved Jessica more than she loved me. I truly think that she was just lonely because she was having lots of problems with her friends and didn't really have anyone to turn to except me. I'm sure she really thought she loved me...she'd never lie to me. But I just never felt as though the complete and utter adoration was returned. Then a boy came along out of the blue. She fell entirely in love with him. I was actually okay with it...sure, I was hurt, but I wasn't upset at her in any way because we'd agreed to that trying to be faithful to each other would be ridiculous, considering the 500-mile distance between us. I was torn between still wanting to be there for her 100%, even if it meant hearing about their relationship (including their sex life) and wanting to protect myself from having to hear that stuff and, thus, be jealous and totally heart-broken. Their relationship started out really unserious, so I wasn't too worried at first. But before I knew it, they were having sex. I had never felt so incredibly sick to my stomach and distraught and empty before in my whole life. Things just kept going downhill...we had all these stupid little connections that we used to bond, like both of us liking the band Orgy obsessively, both of us being virgins yet incredibly preoccupied with sex...she suddenly decided she absolutely hated Orgy and was going to sleep with Adam. The Orgy thing sounds REALLY stupid, I know, and looking back on it, it WAS stupid. But acting like teeny-bopper 8th-grade girls helped us escape from hating our lives, which we both did at the time. I don't know...and then during one conversation, her boyfriend Adam was talking to me online and telling me about their sex life. That was the last straw. I did a very overly dramatic thing and wrote her a letter that told her, in the nicest way possible (if there is a nice way possible), to never talk to me again. She didn't...her boyfriend cussed me out over IM...I blocked them both, and I haven't talked to her since. I visited her webpage a few times after this happened, just to see what was going on with her. But it would just upset me too much, especially her putting up a picture of her and Adam kissing. I didn't go to her webpage for a few months, partly because I'd succeeded in blocking her out and partly because I didn't feel like feeling nauseated and lonely anymore. And then I tried to go to it about a month ago, and I found it to be closed down. So now I have no way of spying on her...yeah, yeah, I'm a psycho. I wonder if she's visited my page at all since this all happened. I didn't want to have to cut her out of my life. She was such a big part of who I was at the time. I'm a lot differnet now, but I still see a lot of myself as a manifestation of who we were to each other and the bond we had. I kind of hate the fact that whenever I think of my "coming out" or whatever, I'll always have to think of her and, thus, feel that same horrid rejection. Maybe that's my subconscious reason for never wanting to fully identify as a bisexual...because in doing so, I'm forced to remember my "I think I might be bi" era, which was also my "Jessica" era. I don't know...the subconscious is a scary thing. Anyway, I always wonder if I did the right thing by pushing her away. In all the instances I've found myself being in love or thinking I was in love (and ended up being hurt), I've reacted in the same way. The pain I feel is always so excrutiating that I have to push the source of the pain away in order to be able to live normally. Maybe I should try to learn to revisualize things in a new light...in less of a hurtful way. I've tried that, though, and it never works because I'm only lying to myself. I can't deny that I'm a very feeling person who is hurt at the bat of an eye. I think it's because I refuse to build walls around myself because, in doing so, I'd be failing to fully give myself to others. And I wouldn't be able to live if I didn't give my all to people all the time...that's my 100% most valuable characteristic. Because the second you stop communicating with people and trying to touch them personally is the second you start slowly dying.

So, I don't know what's been up with my mom this week. I have a longer version of this written out in my Dr. Seuss notebook, but I'll spare the details since I've bitched about much of the same issues in detail in past journal entries. First of all, I must make the disclaimer that I do NOT attempt to, in any way, bring up homosexuality around my mother. I've tried to share my viewpoints with her before, and all we end up doing is fighting, and it gets into deeper issues, such as religion, and I am NOT good at fighting about religion since spiritual beliefs give me a headache to begin with. I've even told her, "Don't bring up stuff we disagree about, such as homosexuality, because I am very unwavering in my beliefs, and I know you are, too." Well, last week, she, Diane, and I were sitting around the table chatting about just normal, friendly stuff. I don't remember if something brought her to say this or if she just said it, but mom said, "Jeannie and I just don't seem to agree on anything. We have completely different beliefs, especially about homosexuality." I just looked at her like, "I can't believe you're going there AGAIN." She's done this before...she tries to bring up the gay issue around other family members, knowing they believe the same way she does, and then they can all together gang up on me. Power in numbers, I guess. She's even done this at a family birthday party before, and I've had four or five people saying "fag" this and "fag" that around me, my eyes tearing up because they have no idea how their remarks are hitting home with me. Anyway, contrary to what mom thought, Diane (go her!) stopped her in her tracks and said, "I agree with Jeannie to an extent. I just let people do what they want." I think her standing is that she doesn't agree with it but doesn't see it as her place to bash anyone. It is those kinds of people I'm fine with. Everyone's entitled to his or her own beliefs, but when people intently try to push beliefs on others, that's when I get turned off. Anyway, Di and mom had a nice discussion about how "Zola and Kim (a lesbian couple who are customers at the store) are really nice" and how "they have no problems with our neighbors (the lesbians living to the right of me)." Well, it was actually mom saying this and Di just nodding. Mom has this great way of trying to sound unprejudice but just sounding more prejudice. ("I have nothing against black people. If anything, I'm afraid of them.") So, I think I managed to change the subject. And then two days ago, I was in the basement, and I heard her call down to me, "Come here Jeannie. I found something I want you to read." I asked if it was important because I was in the middle of yoga. So she came down and handed me her One Bread, One Body book and the Bible, with a passage bookmarked. I immediately got defensive and said, "Is this about the gay thing again?" She said, "I just ran across this reading in One Bread, One Body, and it directed me to this passage in Paul I want you to read. I just want you to know that you're wrong. It does say homosexuality is wrong in the Bible." (I've never said it doesn't say homosexuality is wrong in the Bible. I've merely said that Jesus never mentioned it and that the other books that mention it are kind of shady.) She went upstairs, able to tell she'd offended me, and I read her godforsaken passage to make her happy. I went up and sat her Bible on the table and got on the computer, attempting to appear to be busy so she didn't try to talk to me about it. But no...she did. And I lost my temper because of her inability to accept our differences after I'd asked her "Can we just agree to disagree?" for the 100th time. She sees morality and religion as one set thing. But morality depends on which viewpoint you're coming from. She believes the Bible is the Word of God. If it is the Word of God, you should do what it says, so it's wrong to be gay (and to do a bunch of other stupid things that are obviously not wrong). (And, mean Regina who used mom's loving Bible to take a stab back at her as a really crappy tactic, reminded her that God says to treat her body as a temple, thus her smoking is a SIN, SIN, SIN!) I see the Bible as being peoples' differnet interpretations of God's "speaking" to them. The Bible is also largely affected by the culture and state of society at that time and has also been translated so many times over and over that I'm sure much of the original meaning has been distorted. (Remember that game "Telephone" from like Kindergarten?) I don't get it...why don't people start compiling a new Bible? Maybe I'll start. = ) Anyway, she began her spiel on "I've lived a lot longer than you, young lady, so you should respect my teachings." I'm sorry...I can't believe a certain way merely because she tells me to. I'd be lying to myself. And it's not like I just one day decided, "I'm going to believe a whole lot of stuff that's against Catholicism just to have something to do." I prayed HARD for answers. I don't just make decisions for the sake of change. Anyone who knows me knows how SERIOUSLY I take every little thing in my life. Mom and I had been doing so well the past month. We hadn't fought one time, and we'd actually been amiable to each other. We're not as bad now...I apologized for losing my temper, something I shouldn't have done because I should have better self-control. The best debaters in the world are the ones who can stay composed. Religion and spirituality baffle me. I hate that the largest part of who we are is something that's so vague and undefined. No one knows what the RIGHT way to believe is. I'd like to believe that God isn't as hard to please as everyone makes "Him" out to be. There are only a few things I believe 100% as being true -- that all life should be respected and preserved at any cost (except for a few extreme circumstances, like self-defense and whatnot) and that we should do our best to love everyone, even people it would be easier to hate. I judge people by the quality of their hearts and by their intentions behind their actions and by their generosity, not by whom they choose to have sex with or by what name they choose to call God. Every so often I get stabbed with fear that maybe my mom IS right...and then I get nauseated and push the idea way. If she is right, I guess I'll pay for my life choices eventually. But right now I just want to live my life the way I have been. At least I'm living, which is more than I can say for her. Oh yeah, one more thing she said this week. Today I saw that Entermann's (sp?) commercial with Whoopie Goldberg. And I said, "I love Whoopie." Mom said, "I sure don't. She's pro-choice and has been married four or five times to white men." Poor mom...oh, I guess I didn't give a "summarized version" afterall, did I? Do I ever?

So I want to share my excitement! Today I bought all-natural toothpaste and all-natural deodorant, both of which have no animal by-products. Yes, I am kicking some major vegan ass. Clifton Natural Foods is hiring. I don't want a job there right now, but maybe they'll still be hiring after this quarter's over. That'd be a nice place to work...I could get some nice employee discounts. I wonder if they only hire skinny people, though, so as to say "Eat natural, and you'll be a size 5." Maybe I'll be a size 5 by then. Ew, I hope not. I probably wouldn't have any boobs! Then what would my friends and I talk about! = )

Ooh, one more thing. I have gotten that little tingle. No, not THAT tingle...the "I need to change my look" tingle. I think I'm going to do something with my hair, but that's not drastic enough! I want another piercing! What I have decided I really want is something called a surface piercing. I was unaware that there are places that will pierce any thing you want...like any random flap of skin on your body. Chloe (Christy) brought these wonderful "surface piercing" wonders to my attention. So, I've decided I want a cleavage piercing. Here's a link to a picture: lalala. Ignore her nasty zit thing. I'm a little scared because it's an unconventional piercing and has more of a chance of rejecting, but I might give it a whirl. I'm going to investigate more before jumping into anything (which will also allow me time to get money saved up...hehe).

Mkay, that's all for today. Oh, I got classes registered...I'm taking 18 hours next quarter! I did 18 the very first quarter I was at UC, but it didn't seem like as much as this is...I go every day of the week! Sigh. Maybe I'll have ambition by then.

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