Well, I just got back from a weekend in Indiana with Corey, Melanie, and Karen. I had a really good time, despite that my stomach hurt all weekend. No one felt well...we were all deliriously tired. And, for some odd reason, I kind of missed my mom! I have a serious phobia of sleeping in a place that's not my bed. It's illogical. But I did fine. While we four were hanging out, I realized that we're all so much more mature than we used to be. It felt really weird...like we're all twenty, yet we spent the whole time shopping and reading stupid books about sex and giggling and making jokes and staying up too late and talking about gross things ("How do you pronounce clitoris?") and foolishly spending money eating out and doing nothing of real value...but it was wonderful! I just always assumed that by the time I turned twenty, I was an adult and life would be over, at least in terms of irresponsible fun. My mom always raised me thinking that fun was something you could only have ever-so-often and that having it any more than that is basically irresponsible and wrong. So maybe that's why I feel guilty sometimes that I'm a "grown-up" now and yet am still doing things teen-agers do. Anyway, I'm rambling.

On the way home from Bloomington, we were listening to Tori's Little Earthquakes. It's my favorite album of hers. When I was in the midst of my horrible year at Miami, I discovered the song "Mother." I'd listened to the album many times before but just had never really had any strong feelings about the song. But one day when things were going really badly, I listened to "Mother," and it was as though I was hearing it for the first time...and I remember falling into a trance and not knowing (or caring about) anything that was going on around me...and tears welled up in my eyes, and I found peace for the first time since I'd been there. After that, I'd listen to the song over and over, attempting to reach that same place of peace. It worked a few times, but then the magic seemed to go away. Well tonight, on the car ride home, I found that place again. Though I had fun this weekend, I've also been very hopelessly depressed lately...and just hearing that song again and being able to feel the same way I did a year ago when I'd listen to it was amazing. And, though I love the song, I'd never really understood what the lyrics meant, to Tori or myself. But tonight I listened to them openly and understood for the first time what they really mean to me. So funny that the song helped me with so many things a year ago when I was in the pinnacle of the most horrible year of my life...and I didn't even realize that it 100% was describing everything I was going through at the time. Then I became very sad because I realized that Tori music is probably never going to sound that way again. Sigh.

I'm very sad and feeling guilty right now, even though I probably shouldn't. My sister Rose's birthday was on Friday. I sent her an e-card but never got around to calling her because I was pretty much gone all day...and because I never remember anything anymore because I have so many things on my mind. And here, almost three days later, I haven't gotten a notification saying she's opened the card yet, probably because she never checks her mail. And I've been gone all weekend and, thus, haven't gotten around to calling her...and I'm afraid she thinks I've forgotten her. I really haven't! I feel horrible about Rose. I feel like our relationship is hopeless. And it's my fault. I wrote her a letter a couple of years ago about how I thought she was this horrible person. I don't know what provoked me to write it. I think it's because I've seen the way mom's affected by her. But in my recent wisdom about the mom/Rose situation, I've realized that they both bring out the worst each other and that judging each of them on the way they treat one another isn't wise since they become so Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde around each other. Rose called me after she received the letter in the mail, and she was really upset. We had a talk, and things seemed okay, but I knew they'd never be the same again. I found out from Ruth later that Rose called her up, bawling her eyes out. The fact that I hurt my sister so badly makes me unable to forgive myself. I'm crying right now just thinking of it. I'm crying because I've realized that she and I are the same person...and that everything I wrote to her in that letter...everything I put her down for...were qualities that I, in fact, embody. Both Rose and I react the same way when conflicts occur in our lives. Maybe in writing her that letter, I was subconsciously writing it to myself...like telling myself "Jeannie, you are horrible because...." Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I broke down, crying to Rose. I think I wrote about it in a past journal entry. But anyway, I apologized for the letter. And while she didn't seem that grateful for my apology, she mentioned to Ruth that she was SO happy and cried to her out of happiness. But I still have so much guilt that I carry along with me. I always feel I have to prove my love to her now because I know that if I'd have received such a letter, the person who wrote it would constantly have to be reassuring me that he or she loves me or else I'd keep my grudge right in place. I still haven't given her her birthday gift. I didn't buy her anything, but while in Indiana, I began writing her a poem. I always write Ruthie poems, and I think Rose gets really jealous and upset. But in addition to the poem, I think I'm going to write her yet another letter. Our talk a few weeks ago, the one in which I apologized...it wasn't enough for me. I want to write her a long, heart-felt letter. And I think that by doing that, hopefully the first one will be counteracted...and my guilt will go away...and she'll realized that I truly want a close relationship with her. And I really do! Aside from pretense she puts up (and I have come to understand why she does it and totally understand her now), she's SO awesome, and we'd get along so well. We may clash though since, as I said, we're so much alike.

Anyway, I want this year to be the best I've ever had. I want to make everything happen for myself this year. I want to stop putting the things off that I've been putting off for years now. I want to kick out all my negativity so that I can stop idolizing everyone and start finding those qualities in myself. And hopefully this positive attitude will stay. = )

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