I feel like writing again. Today has been a tumultuous rollercoaster. For some reason I have especially loved and tolerated my mother lately...but not today! Before I left for Indiana, she mentioned that Ruth wants me to babysit Wednesday for a doctor's appointment and that she'll call me to set it up. Ruth never called up before I left, so I figured we'd talk about it after I got back. Regardless, it was no big deal because I don't work Wednesdays. Well, I got home, went to bed, and woke up this morning to a message from Ruth, asking me to call. Turns out *I* was supposed to call *her*, and the babysitting was for tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. I work tomorrow morning. So I thought, "Well, mom for some reason thought I worked tomorrow night, so I'll just work tomorrow night, and she'll work tomorrow morning." (It was supposed to be the opposite.) So I told Ruth that would be fine. She called mom and told her the situation. Well then mom called me and said, "I have my holy hour tomorrow morning" blah blah, and I somewhat went off on her because she was the one who totally messed this up. It's such a stupid long story and hard to explain. So to make a long story short, Ruthie cancelled her appointment...mom got all cryish and "Everyone is always upset at me"ish...and I just felt frustrated and angry. But it's okay, and it's over.

Work was barrels and barrels of fun today, mainly because of Henry! I wish every single person reading this could meet him just to see why I'm constantly amused by him. Sometimes I wonder if I don't secretly like him. I know I'm always happy when he comes in...yet after he's stayed ten minutes, I'm usually ready for him to leave. Sometimes I think I'm like Thora Birch in the scene from American Beauty in which she'd been saying, "That guy obsesses over me," but then you see her smiling in the mirror when he has her name written in fire outside of her window. Anyway, Henry was so incredibly fun today. He made my day. First, he came in and was talking to me about himself, whom he spends 98% of the time talking about. Then he leaned in and motioned for me to lean in close, and he whispered, "I missed you." I said, "I missed you, too." And I really did, on some level. And then he got super happy and said something like, "Well, I missed you. You missed me. We're on the same wavelength." By this time, customers had come up and were looking at me like, "Um...." He came in seven or eight times in the course of my 5 1/2-hour shift. The last time took the cake, though. He noticed that I dyed my hair again. Then he said, "You should dye it black. It's sexy black." And I arched my brow because I remember quite clearly him saying, "I hated your hair black...it didn't look right on you." So I told him that, and then he decided he just likes it brown and was joking before (whatever). Once Henry gets a word in his head, he uses it like ten times in a row. The word was "sexy" tonight...because then he said, "Why don't you ever wear those pants I like? They're sexy on you." I made him describe what pants he meant...and they ended up being these ugly, cheap windsuit pants that I seriously haven't worn in at least a year and a half. And then he said I look sexy in my "dresses"...he must have meant skirts because I don't wear dresses. Guys crack me up with their mixed-up terminology of girl things. (I cannot believe what Howard Stern just said! He said he'd give this Penthouse chick a baby. And she said a baby would be hard to take care of. And he said, "Oh, you don't have to take care of it. For all I care, you can abort it." WHAT AN ASS!) It was such a funny day. I adore Henry sometimes. He also said that if he gets wire-framed glasses, I'd think he'd be sexy. One thing that cracks me up -- his pronunciation of certain words. He says "birfday" instead of "birthday," "alblum" instead of "album," and "pell" instead of "pale." My friend Tony always calls to my attention that I say "brawl" instead of "bra." Oh goodness.

Then when I got home, Angelina brought to my attention that I'd been upsetting her by the way I seemingly judge people. I do have hang-ups about some things and tend to judge people when it comes to those things, no matter how hard I try not to...but I think that for the most part, I'm good about loving and accepting everyone. I just am loose-lipped sometimes, and it makes me come off as a hypocrite. For instance, I called a kid a "nigger" a few years ago, and no one will let me forget it. It upsets me, too, because I'm not a bigot. I don't want to say I'm not a racist because I think it's impossible to be completely un-racist. I do notice differences in people and label them because of those differences...but in a neutral way, not a negative or positive way...just like saying, "That's a blue shirt" instead of "That's a shirt." I find myself doing it unnecessarily, though. For instance, if I'm describing a situation to someone, I'll find myself saying, "There was this black guy..." when his race had no bearing on the story. I wonder why I do this. A lot of people do, though. Anyway, though what Angelina called to my attention hurt me a lot, it was worth happening so that I could clear up her thoughts on me that were based on untrue things. And our conversation got me to thinking of how much crap I put myself through on a daily basis. I think every little thing through as though it's the most significant thing. I've realized that I do, in fact, judge people but in a very nonjudgemental way, if that makes sense. Like I worry about people's actions constantly but don't necessarily think of them in a negative way if they're doing something I, personally, wouldn't do. I just find myself thinking, "Doing that is going to hurt him/her and make his/her life really bad." I think it goes back to my need for control. I want to control everything. A good example of this is my mom. I'm always giving her dozens of suggestions on how she can make her life better. It bothers me when she continues to take NONE of my suggestions. And though she continues to do things that damage her life, I don't judge her for that and think "She's a bad person." I just get frustrated at her. I'm going to stop typing now because I can already tell that for the outsider, I'm sounding like an elitist. I hate, hate, hate when people tell me things I should change about my life. So I need to stop being an asshole and analyzing everyone else's lives and telling them, "You'd be happier if you did so-and-so." God, maybe I AM a hypocrite. I think I'll go to bed before I can think any harder.

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