Sigh...my mom just went OFF on me, more than she ever has before. And I'm starting to wonder if I don't deserve it. Maybe this whole time I've been wrong. Thinking that scares me to death. I don't want to be a bad person. I feel awful for what I said to her today. She had just gotten done complimenting me...saying that people at the store always tell her how much they like me, how kind and outgoing I am, how much I'm like my father. And she asked, "Does anyone ever say that about me?" People do, occasionally, say that she's nice and all. So I said, "Yes," and she said, "Thanks...let me know when people say things like that. I need to hear it once in awhile, okay?" And then she said, "I generally am really nice to everyone at the store." This is when I said something that was really horrible...but before I could stop it, it slipped out. I said to her, "But you're not genuinely nice to them. You're fake." That was REALLY mean of me. I feel horrible...I'm crying so hard right now. She said, "I'm so unhappy but the one thing I thought I had going for me was that I'm a great person at the store. And now you're telling me I'm fake?" How could I say that to her!? I must admit that it's 100% true, though. She is SO fake to the people at the store. But I'm not even sure she was aware of that...until I just now told her. Then we started fighting...just about the same things we've fought about over two dozen times. She began saying, "No one ever cares about me. Your sisters never call me. You never want to have anything to do with me." I defended Ruth because Ruth is SO hurt over mom because mom doesn't want to seem to have anything to do with Ruth. Mom says that Rose scarred her so much and gave her the "Stay out of my life" line so much that mom is scared to be in our faces all the time. I always reply to her that she can't assume that just because Rose acted a certain way that Ruth and I are going to feel the same way. But I'm starting to feel that way. I hate the way I am around her. I treat her differently than I treat anyone. I'm so...happy and layback and easy to get along with normally. But around her I become a different person. I'm always defending every little thing...I just hate it. And I wonder why I'm this way around her. I went for a long time thinking mom was the greatest and that everyone just treated her badly. Then I realized that maybe she's just horrible and that everyone else is fine. Now I'm wondering if I'm just wrong...if I'm really a horrible person around her. She's always making remarks to me that make me very upset...and I just find myself kind of coexisting with her instead of lovingly interracting with her. I have a quality about me...a kind of cheerful presence that seems to make people happy (not to toot my own horn or anything). But I can never seem to show her that side of me. So maybe she's sad all the time because I'm never happy around her. Maybe we feed off of each other's sadness. But I always say that my sadness is because of her, and today she was saying, "How can you expect me to be happy when you're always trying to tell me how I should live my life and how I should change?" She's right...I do do that. But it's only because I never see her taking an active interest in making things better. She has this warped idea that God gives us "crosses," and that we have to bear them. I believe that God gives us "crosses" to see how we can overcome them and, thus, see how strong we are. She thinks that just putting up with her sadness without complaining is the way God wants her to deal with it. And while that's better than constantly complaining and saying, "I'm miserable," I still think she's a coward. I just don't see how she can have the life she has and still be so miserable. She was supposed to have died. She had breast cancer so major that it was incurable...yet she was cured. She has been given a second chance at life, yet she's still so incredibly sad. I don't understand...I don't see why she's not skydiving and quitting smoking and helping the homeless. When you watch TV and see people who have been given a second chance at life, these are the kinds of things they do. They VALUE their lives. I just can't take it anymore. I feel so trapped. I feel like I owe her the world for all she has provided to me monetarily. She paid for my expensive private parochial schooling for thirteen years. She's paying for my college. She's paying for my car insurance. She gives me a place to live and food to eat. And, though I try to pretend I'm going to pay her back for everything, there's no way I'll ever be able to by the time she dies. And, thus, I feel guilty for the way I treat her. But if she were different, *I'D* be different. I just feel like I owe her so much...but I CAN'T be her sweet, little daughter anymore. I can't physically and emotionally force myself to be a way to her that feels so freakish and unnatural. I just don't know what to do. I want to be close with my mother. I want to love my mother. But I CAN'T. I don't know what to do. I do know, though, that I have to quit trying to control her. I feel that by giving her all these suggestions on how she can change her life to make her happier that I'm helping her. But she thinks that I'm just trying to be HER mother. Today she kept saying, "You think you know everything and have all the answers, but you've only lived twenty years! I've lived my whole life." I just can't see that...I can't see her knowing more than me. She just doesn't GET IT. She just doesn't understand how to DEAL with people. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I just know that I'm trying. I woke up this morning in the best mood. I went in the kitchen and started talking to her and asking her how she is and trying to make conversation...and she was giving me one-word answers and was obviously very depressed. I just can't make her happy. But I also can't help it that I'm not happy around her. It's this horrible cycle that neither of us seems to be able to break. I just wish I knew what to do. But right now I'm lost. And right now all I'm thinking is, "I need to talk to someone to get advice about this." That's all I ever do...turn to other people. I never make any decisions on my own. I think I'm a big old follower and just now realized it. Grrr...if only I could pray my rosary and read my scripture and get fulfillment out of it the way I used to. Or maybe I'm glad I'm different now. Dammit, I don't know. I don't think I have anything else to say right now that would make sense, so I'll stop.