Wow, I'm really happy today. I just have a renewed sense of spirit. These are the reasons why:

1.) Some lady at work as well as my mom told me I looked thinner, so I got on the scale today (something I haven't done in MONTHS because I was afraid of what the number would say), and I've lost five pounds. I'm not hugely focused on weighing less since I'm always lifting weights, and muscle weighs more than fat. But I'm really happy...I can tell my body is getting leaner. I haven't even been trying to lose weight. I just have been sticking to my plan of veganism, so I guess fat is just naturally out of my diet now (as well as exercising every day for like a half hour). I'm really happy because I think I've finally succeeded in being a vegan. I've been one for three days now. YAY! But I guess I shouldn't get too confident yet...everyone knows how my willpower can be...hehe.

2.) I've been really sad at myself because I've been really non-feeling about what's been going on in the country. Everyone else seems to be fervently praying and talking about it constantly and watching it on the news constantly and crying a lot...and I wasn't doing any of that. I was beginning to feel that I had absolutely no relationship with God since I didn't feel a need to pray about this situation. I was afraid I had no empathy for all the people who'd lost people they loved. I just was starting to think I was a horrible person for not caring more. Well, today I was in my car on the way to Clifton, and Q102 (I have no idea why my radio station was on Q102 in the first place because that station annoys me) had on the memorial service. I went ahead and listened to it instead of putting a CD on in an attempt to feel SOMETHING about the ordeal. And all these Bible passages were being read, and at first I was critical of everything the way I always seem to be, thinking stuff like, "Ew, the Bible is from thousands of years ago and doesn't even apply to the present day," and "So it takes thousands of people dying for the government to let God in." And then I just kind of realized that I'm SUCH a Scrooge! I'm just so bitter and angry about God, and I don't know why! By being so incredibly anti-Bible, I'm just as bad as those folks that push the Bible in my face! Then I realized that I idolize the words of poets and musicians...yet I won't even open my ears to anything from the Bible or from preachers. So I decided to listen with an open mind and try to forget the source of the words I was hearing. It turns out that I agreed with everything Paul (one of the Bible dudes) was saying in his verses...and that he worded everything just as poetically and beautifully as Jeff Buckley or Tori Amos or Maya Angelou. And Billy Graham, whom I always turn my nose up to whenever mom watches him on TV, actually was making me cry because he was so passionate and loving and tapping into my emotions. So I was in my car, bawling my eyes out, feeling like I found God for the first time ever. It was so nice, a lot like my Kairos retreat from high school. As much of a tragedy as the whole thing was, I am so, so touched by the way our country is handling it...and I think our country is changed and renewed in its spirituality. People from all different religions have come together to petition to ONE God for strength and hope and protection. I worship the same God as my mom...she just seems to think he's a bit stricter than I do. = ) It just felt really good to hear the leaders of our country talking about God...it's making ME want to talk about God, and I usually don't because of my constant bitterness. I just fear that once this dies out that everything will go back to normal, and people will stop feeling again and just walk around like zombies again. I hope that doesn't happen. I'm not going to let myself be that way.

3.) I bought Poet's Market 2002, and, goddammit, I'm going to get some poetry published this year. That is going to be my side project to all my school stuff. I'm excited because I know I can do it. Well, let's hope.

4.) I went to Jungle Jim's and got TONS of interesting food! I also went to Clifton Natural Foods and found that Jungle Jim's has the same foods for cheaper. So far I've eaten organic low-fat potato chips, which I like pretty well. They taste like these one soy chips I bought once. I tried tofu low-fat ice cream, which was absolutely wonderful! And I tried tofu low-fat cream cheese, which is mildly tolerable if I'm horribly dying for a bagel, I suppose. I also have organic soy peanut butter, which I've yet to try, but it looks slightly scary. And I bought soy milk, which I've yet to try. I got black beans, since we don't sell them at JCM. And I bought vegetable broth since we only have beef and chicken at JCM. I figure if any recipes call for vegetable broth, I'll have it. Right now I'm making the most delicious vegetable soup. It was so cute and funny yet sad -- I was cutting up an onion and nearly unable to open my eyes because they burned so bad. And all of a sudden I looked over, and my kittie was standing on the counter, and she could barely open her eyes either. I kept carrying her out into the dining room, away from the oniony air, but she kept coming back. I swear, she's masochistic. She always bats at the water coming out of the faucet, but when her paw gets wet, she backs away, wincing...but then she goes back for more. I love Hug so much...sigh.

Um...I think that's it. I'm going to a prayer service tonight with my mom now that I'm not scared of church anymore. Even though I don't really want to be hyper-Catholic, I was so much happier when I was. But that was also when I was still pretty much a child, and nothing's ever truly horrible when you're a child. I think children have some sort of inner strength that adults don't have. And I think you get it again when you get old. Hmmm. Well, I'm going to finish making my soup. God bless America. = )

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