Work was a psycho roller coaster today. Some parts were wonderful, and others were downright awful. I'll just go in the order that everything happened.

First off, I walked up with my drawer in my hands, and a guy I dated in high school's mom was talking to my mom. So then she started talking to us both. I really didn't understand everything she was saying. But apparently she's a cheerleading moderator for Queen of Peace, and she had all this horrible stuff to say about St. Ann's cheerleading squad! I've never heard her say a negative thing about anyone! I just don't see how she gets the nerve to totally bash St. Ann's to people whose parish is St. Ann's (that would be me and my mom). And her daughter and another girl, both of whom are cheerleaders for Queen of Peace, were sitting there agreeing with her. I dislike greatly when adults brainwash their children into disliking a group of people. Children are so impressionable...sigh.

So that was bad, but then a good thing happened. Today was Henry's birthday. I did a few little things for him that I didn't think would be a big deal at all, but he was SO happy. I made him a tape of my favorite slow songs. (Grr, why can't Christmas come so I can ask for a CD burner!) He's always listening to heavy metal, so I thought I'd introduce him to something new. And I made him a tape of Tool's album Aenima. He only has Undertow, and Aenima is my personal favorite, so I promised him I'd make him a tape. And I printed out for him my favorite of my poems because he's never read anything I've written. And I also made him a card with Ozzy on it that was really cheesy but cute. When I gave it all to him, he was SO happy, and he hugged me. It was the first time we've ever hugged. And then he kept saying "God, you smell good." He makes me feel so loved, and no one's ever really made me feel that way before. I mean, my friends and family members make me feel loved...but he makes me feel as though I'm the number one person in his life, and I've definitely never had anyone treat me that way before, except for Tony way back when we were inseparable. I've realized exactly the perfect way to describe Henry. He's like a little child. Children will tell you exactly what they're thinking, be it good or bad. I don't think they've fully developed that part of themselves that tells them the way they're "supposed" to act in society...whichever one it is, the id, ego, or superego (I don't feel like looking it up). When we're with people we really love, we are usually too shy to express that love with as much fervency as it burns in our hearts. Like we may not say "I love you" at all, or if we do, we'll just say "I love you" when we're really thinking, "I love you so much that I think about you all the time...you're the last person I think of before I go to sleep and the first one I think of when I wake up." Adults hold all that in, but children don't. They also don't hold in the negative stuff they're thinking, like, "What's wrong with that woman's face, mommy?" (really loudly, so the woman and all of the grocery store can hear) and stuff like that. Henry is JUST like this. He tells me exactly what's on his mind. I think the world would be such a better place if we'd all go around appreciating each other not only internally but making that appreciation vocal. But we can still keep the "That woman's REALLY FAT MOMMY!" comments to ourselves. = )

Okay, part three. This isn't a really big deal in comparison to the other events of the day. This girl, who's about my age, and her boyfriend came in with the girl's dad and a couple kids who were some relation to them. Well, the two kids got small slushies, and then she only let them take a few sips out of them and made them save the rest until after dinner! This doesn't even sound mean written out, but being there and seeing the way she was treating these children (who weren't even her children) was awful! And she's a pretty large girl...I bet no one ever denies her of food or beverages....the bitch! She was just nagging to them the whole time they were drinking their slushies, like, "We're about to eat dinner, so you can't drink very much of them" and blah blah. Sigh...this is to hard to explain, so I'll stop. But, take my word for it, she was a bitch.

Part four, the BAD PART. This guy, Scottie, was in. I was REALLY, REALLY busy with tons of customers, so my mind was kind of scatterbrained. Well, I saw (but didn't really SEE, you know?) him over by the medicine rack. His back was to me, and I heard a zipper, like he unzipped his pants. But, as I said, I didn't really digest all of this going on because I was zoned out. So he came up to buy a beer and was 65 cents short. He said, in a slurred drunken voice, "I'm right next door. Let me come right back with the money." I said, "Okay then...sit your beer on the counter and come right back with it." (If you're going to come right back, why take the item you're buying? People think I'm stupid or something.) So then he proceeded to ask the customers in line in back of him to "Help a fella out" and lend him the money. They didn't have it. So finally I forked the money out because I just wanted him out of the store. Then after he left, I totally remembered what had happened over by the medicine rack and that he was probably stuffing something down his pants and stealing! I was SO mad at myself for not saying something to him while he was at the counter. When you know someone stole, you're supposed to ring the bell and have one of the guys from the back come up. I don't know why I didn't think to do that. I seriously wasn't all the way there...sigh. So Dave is going to say something to him the next time he sees him, like, "A customer saw you stuff something down your pants in the medicine section." I don't know what that's going to do...dammit, I hate myself sometimes!

Later, Henry came back in. He brought us all pieces of his birthday cake. And he was just talking to me for awhile. He had commented on how he wished I could come to his party, and I said I couldn't because I had to work...which is kind of an excuse because I could have come over before or after work. And then he had said, "If you didn't have to work, would you come over?" And I said, "Yes," not knowing how true it was. And then when we were talking tonight, he said, "It makes me feel good that you'd come over if you didn't have to work." And I just felt this tremendous sense of guilt mixed with love for him. He wants to badly to be a part of my life, and I just won't let him in. And he keeps trying and doesn't give up. So then before he left, I said, "Let me have one more birthday hug." So we hugged again, and he said, "I love you," which he's never said before. And I said, "I love you, too." And I do, just not in the romantic sense. It was such an amazing moment. Working at that store and coming into contact with so many different kinds of people and situations has really opened my heart and made me a better person. I think I'm going to give Henry my phone number tomorrow. That way we can talk on the phone every-so-often...and it will make him really happy. And I kind of would like to talk to him since he makes me really happy...but if I don't feel like it...well, I have caller ID. = )

Then this one girl Tracy came in. She's Carla's, whom I work with, daughter. She overheard me talking to Dave about how I feel horrible about Scottie stealing and my not catching him. Then I explained to her what had happened, and she was telling me about how Scottie was on the phone most of the day with this other houseful of people, and they were making drug deals. I don't know how true this is. I do know that Scottie's girlfriend is a recovering (well maybe...) heroin addict. Her son told me. She has two sons, Derek and Devon. I LOVE Derek. He can be annoying, as all children can be, but he's SO strong and SO smart and SO loving. He opened up to me the other night for the first time about his mom's heroin problems and just told me the kind of life he's led. And I know that he's smarter than most adults because of all the knowledge he's gained from growing up in such a situation. And he's also opened up to me about Scottie...and how Scottie is horrible to his mother and how if Scottie ever lays a hand on her that he'd kill him. So, after the stealing incident happened, I thought of Derek and Devon and what those kids have to go through, and I became SO angry! If you feel the need to do your drugs, fine because it's your body. But once you bring another life to this world, you need to take responsibility for your actions and the affect you're having on your children. Scottie and the chick might think the kids don't know what's going on, but Derek knows damn straight. Children have an extra sense, I think. It just makes me cry (my eyes are teary right now just thinking about it) to think of them being robbed of their carefree childhood because of their mother and her boyfriend's selfishness. I haven't met the mother a lot, but Scottie has come in with the kids before, and he's often high and drunk in front of them. Grrr!!!!

Anyway, so that's the end of my day. I forgot to say that last night I went to Club Sin with Angelina. I wasn't having a very good time at the beginning because they were playing the kind of industrial I don't like...like the techno-ey, not-very-lyric kind (i.e. Lords of Acid, KMFDM stuff). But then they played NIN's cover of "Get Down Make Love," and I almost freaked! I've only gotten to dance to that song one other time at a club, and that was at Vertigos on a Monday night ("Goth night") like a year ago. The songs that followed were a lot more to my liking, so I danced more. Then Angelina's friend Jeff showed up. I didn't really talk to him at first. I'd met him once before. Later in the night, we talked a whole lot. He went out to his car to get all these whips and stuff that he wanted to show me because he's into S & M. I'm intrigued by that and very curious, though I'm not sure if it's something I'd ever get into. I wanted to whip him (so I'm guessing that if I was into it, I'd be the dom...hehe), but he wouldn't let me because HE'S a dom...well not so much that but more because I don't know how to use a whip, and he was afraid I'd hurt him. So I let him whip me once, making him promise he wouldn't hurt me (and praying for no pain). He didn't hurt me. And then he told me that he was happy we got to talk tonight because the last time we met, I acted really shy but that he understood because he's really shy, too. And it was nice. = ) I like it when I can bond with someone who's really different than I am.

Okay, that's all, except for one thing. To anyone who's reading this, I do my best to be as honest as possible in my journal entries but to also not offend anyone. It's hard to do both because sometimes I'm really angry at people I'm friends with and whom I know read this, and I don't feel I can write about it...so I'm not being COMPLETELY honest. But for the most part, I record everything I'm thinking in here, even the things I'm not proud of. One of my friends was offended by something I wrote (unrelated to him), an entry in which I even said, "I'm not proud that I feel this way, but I want to be honest." I was really upset that he brought his being offended to my attention. I was sharing emotions that I was openly ashamed of, and to have a second person tell me that they were bad emotions was really hurtful to me. I think that maybe if he'd have said, "You feel this way about something, but here's how I feel about it," like more in a constructive way...then I'd not have been hurt. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever have a comment to make on anything on my website, tell me in a constructive way. Tell me your point of view and why it disagrees with yours. But don't directly jab me. And maybe even avoid commenting on my journal negatively at all since my journal is representative of WHO I AM. That will be all.

No it won't be. New news on the horizon. Shannon and Tony just bailed on my AIDS Walk. Now all four of the people I was supposed to do the AIDS Walk with have bailed on me. I'm really, really, really upset and hurt. Shannon left me a message on my machine, saying, "Call me. I have to discuss something with you." But I didn't even get it because the second I get home from work, I just collapse and pay no attention to the answering machine, generally. But I just now read an e-mail from her, explaining that she hadn't even remembered that this was the week of Badin's Homecoming. I'm so frustrated! And I'm really upset...and really mad...and have already cried over it. I guess I've let friends down before...maybe this is karma catching up to me. I guess karma really is a bitch. I shouldn't be upset because it's just a matter of forgetting you already made plans and having to break your plans with someone, which I've done lots of times...but it's such a major thing, and I've already collected almost a hundred bucks in pledges, and now I'll either have to get someone else to walk with me (who won't be able to collect very many pledges in not even a week's time) or not do it at all and just give everyone their money back...or do it alone, which I don't want to do. I don't want to walk five miles alone. And I don't even know how to get there. I was planning on getting a map online and having whoever was riding with me work with me to find the place. Everyone knows I'm directionally-challenged. Grr, I'm going to go watch a movie. I don't even want to talk to Shannon right now. <~~~