When I wrote in my journal last night, I hadn't realized that people made comments on my message board. People hardly ever write on my message board, and when people do, I don't get notifications saying "Your message board has been signed," the way I do when my guestbook is signed. The only thing I knew was that Dave had gotten upset at me for what I wrote in my journal after the terrorist attack. I called Liz today, and she filled me in on what was on my messsage board. I read it and became very upset and still am. I wrote the spoken-of journal entry very quickly, knowing in my own mind and heart what it meant to me and not thinking of how it would sound to other people. And I think everyone took it the wrong way. I was tempted to erase it, but that would be the cowardly act. So instead, I'll try to clarify.

First of all, I cannot help the way I feel. I think this horrible event made people feel feelings they've never felt before and react in ways they never thought they'd react in. I also know that everyone feels a lot of mixed emotions. It was obvious that I did in that my opinions on the event were changing from day to day, as a friend brought up. I have been watching TV a lot, not as much as most people because, again selfishly, not turning on the TV allows me to try to forget it happened. But I have watched it a lot. I've seen the people holding up signs that say "Missing Person" and have pictures of missing persons they love. I've cried a lot, putting myself in their shoes and being so incredibly thankful that I didn't lose anyone. I've also been reading a lot of other people's online journals that have focused on their sadness and grief and anger towards the culprits. I feel sadness and grief, too, and much anger towards the culprits. I chose not to write about those emotions, though, because I thought they were a given. I chose, instead, to reflect on our country. I feel a mix of bitterness and happiness. I'm bitter at our country for just now deciding to pull together as one nation. I'm bitter that all the different religions couldn't come together and pray to one God until now. I'm bitter that it took something like this to wake us up. That is what I was reflecting upon, and I realize now that I worded it harshly and should have said it in a much softer way. I am not a "soft" person. I'm blunt and honest, and I almost always over-elaborate and exaggerate. This is a trait that can be good and bad...good in the sense of my thinking, "Wow, she's a great girl" but having, "You're such an incredible person. Meeting you has made such a big impact on my life" come out of my mouth instead (and, thus, making whoever it is feel really good). It's also bad in that I may be thinking, "I'm kind of sad that it's taken something as large as this to make our country love one another" but saying, "We may have deserved it. We're usually selfish and don't give a shit about other countries until something huge happens to our country." These feelings are why I'm bitter at our country. But, as I said, I'm very happy as well. I'm happy that, as many people have beat into the ground on TV, our country has become so much stronger, so unified, so LOVING and GIVING and THANKFUL for what we have since we lost so much. We now realize the value of each day, hour, minute, second. We now tell people we love them instead of keeping it in or putting it off until when we feel less shy. We now put others before ourselves.

I'm not going to break down the other journal entry and explain everything I said in a more unoffensive way. Instead, I'll give the main idea, the theme. And this theme was that we shouldn't need thousands of people dying to make us help each other. We should have passion for life EVERY DAY. We should show that love for each other EVERY DAY. We should love other countries EVERY DAY. And we should treat other countries with peace and hope that in return, they do the same for us. We are the human race, one family. And I've just witness a bit of hypocrisy...everyone suddenly talking about God when we never did before or weren't ALLOWED to before. I'm hypocritical a lot, too, but it doesn't mean I can't point it out in others. I also wrote a very positive, happy journal entry following my bleak one, talking about how I have deepened my relationship with God through this and am so happy others have, too.

I don't want anyone to think I don't have empathy for each and every person who lost someone. I couldn't imagine the pain they must feel. I also am petrified that we're going to go to war. I don't want that. I don't want to kill anyone. I don't want people in other countries to have to lose people they love the way many in America have. I'm not a vengeful person. Justice should be done, but hopefully without the loss of more innocent people.

And what I meant by this event disrupting my life is not that I'm pissy that stuff is being cancelled and that I can't watch all my TV shows..I meant that no matter how much happy things happen to myself or my friends, they're never completely happy things when we have such a huge, devastating event over our heads. I have a couple of friends who are kicking ass in the romance department right now, but what good does it do when a large chunk of our population is dead or missing? And the happy atmosphere I feel at work has been gone. People are gloomy and melancholy. There's not one person who doesn't wish he or she could be happy. There's not one person who wishes this hadn't happened for their own sake and the sake of those who died and those who loved the people who died. That is what I meant, and I hope it makes more sense now.

Anyway, I don't know if this will help anything. People who know me well know that I'd never say anything hateful on purpose and that I love people so much and want only the best for people I love as well as for our country and for the world. I don't even kill bugs, for Christ's sake. And I hope the anonymous writer on my message board understands a bit better now. I know whoever it is is someone I know and am probably close to, and it hurts me that the person would feel that way about me and not know me better than that. Much lovin' to all.

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