Last night I attempted to stay up to watch Tori Amos on David Letterman. It turned out that she was the last guest, and I was dosing in the middle of the first guest. I almost slept through it, but my cat, thankfully, woke me up. But I knew I'd dose again since I can never fight sleep, so I went ahead and started taping. I was going to tape it anyway, but not until she came on so that I didn't have to tape the other guests whom I didn't have much interest in. Anyway, I did fall asleep and woke up at 4:00 and watched the tape of her. I was really impressed with her performance. I must admit that I hadn't even planned on buying Strange Little Girls (even though in the back of my mind I knew I'd buy it eventually because of guilt from not being loyal to her). I just was completely apathetic about the album, even before I heard it. My reasoning was that the album isn't original songs of hers...I felt she was running out of creativity. But then I realized that since Tori is (or tries to appear to be) really artsy-fartsy, she'd probably add so many new elements that the album would almost be like one of "hers." But after downloading the songs, I just didn't like many of them. But then I heard her perform "Time" last night and really liked it and thought she seemed just really a lot more loving than usual and appreciative of her fans (I read a lot into a short performance and a couple hugs from Dave, I think.). So I thought, "The hell with it...I'll buy her album. Maybe listening to it from beginning to end in the order she selected instead of randomly as MP3s will make it grow on me." So I bought it today, and while I like a few of the songs, I don't love any of them. I just don't know...I think it's very bland. And I'm wondering if she's trying to get her fans to believe that this cover album idea is another stroke of genius for her while it's really something she threw together last minute, wanting to be in the spot light again. But I don't really think that's a very "Tori" thing to do. But I also don't think this album is a percentage of what it could be. But, then again, maybe it will grow on me. It'll never be Little Earthquakes though. But I don't think there will ever be another Little Earthquakes. She looked really pretty on David Letterman. Her hair doesn't look quite so nappy. Either she's conditioned the hell out of it and hasn't dyed it for awhile and has been getting regular trims...or she had a weave. It just looked thicker than usual. I'm glad she's all happy and smiley now and not so mysterious-acting. Though I wish there would have been time for her to be interviewed. Usually musical guests get interviewed. Oh well.

Today I woke up early so I could exercise before going to Ruth's. I watched A Baby Story and cried (even though the parents didn't...how can you not cry when you have a child?). I've been really into A Baby Story, A Wedding Story, and A Dating Story lately. I think the first two give me hope that I won't be alone forever and that one day a relationship I have will be fruitful and not end after a month (if that). And A Dating Story is just hilarious to watch because the people hardly ever hit it off. It pisses me off when the guy is all like, "Yeah, I'll call you for sure!" but never does, though. Anyway, I went to Ruth's. We went to the mall. It was really fun. I love Ruth so much. She's an escape for me. Just being with her and taking care of my nephews makes me forget anything bad has ever happened to me. She and I have a love that's so simple and yet so strong. We have hardly anything in common, yet we love and respect each other so much. I was holding Michael in the mall, and I know so many people thought he was mine! Sometimes I forget that people have babies at my age and aren't considered "teen-age parents" and frowned upon. We parked on a level of the mall that was bad because we had to walk up steps to get in. So Ruth had to carry the stroller. Well, on the way out, she had to carry the stroller down the steps. WELL...part of the stroller fell apart, and he started to almost fall out. We both almost had a heart attack. Ruth started crying, and I hugged her. I just giggled nervously the way I always do in situations when people shouldn't really giggle. I can't help it. Then I went to my brother's office to get my teeth cleaned. I had THREE CAVITIES! It wasn't because I don't take care of my teeth...it's because my teeth have deep grooves in them that are more susceptible to cavities than most people.

Now I'm going to be going out to dinner with Melanie to catch up on her life. I'm really happy about this. I haven't really been doing much of anything lately, partially because most of my friends go to colleges that aren't real close to me. I really want to make more friends this year at UC. I'm going to try to stop being so self-conscious and shy.

I've been down a lot this week. First Shannon and Tony couldn't do the AIDS Walk thing with me anymore. I started writing Shannon back an e-mail that pretty much gave her a piece of my mind. Then I erased it, knowing that I'm not that kind of a person. But I wrote her an e-mail instead that wasn't exactly pleasant either. And now I feel guilty for writing her back. But I also know that I couldn't pretend I wasn't really upset at what happened. Then the whole thing with my message board happened. Angelina told me to not let the anonymous person know (s)he got to me. But that person did. Why keep it a secret? If it's truly someone I haven't met (which I doubt), then I don't care too much because the person is merely judging me on one journal entry than on who I am as a person entirely. But if it's someone I'm friends with...I just don't know if I'd be able to be friends with that person anymore. Even if the person, assuming it was a friend, didn't agree with me, bashing me anonymously on my webpage where many people can read it wasn't the way to handle it. I just feel hurt in general...I wish Liz wouldn't have written that either. I don't understand why she didn't just call me if she was upset or concerned. I feel like she wanted multiple people to read what she wrote...and that's kind of humiliating. Although, maybe I'm doing the same thing to her by writing this in here instead of calling her about it. I don't feel like talking to her about it, though...I'm tired. All in all, I've found myself being really cynical of people lately...except for people who constantly reaffirm their love for me. I feel really unfulfilled by many of my family and friendship relationships. I think it's just been a really bad week. I want to start over. School starts in two days. I'm so ready.

I often find myself feeling guilty about the way I treat people. For instance, today I felt guilty when my brother did all this stuff to my teeth for free, yet I used to let them pay me to babysit. Shouldn't I have babysat for them for free? And I felt guilty for writing a slightly unpleasant e-mail to Shannon, even though she was the one who disappointed me in the first place. And while I was with my brother Dan, I kept thinking, "Shouldn't I be saying more to him? Are we close enough?" I do this with a lot of people. I always want to have these incredibly close relationships with everyone and feel horrible when I can't achieve them. And I feel as though no matter how close I get to someone, I'll always love that person more than he or she loves me.

Anyway, I'm sick of whining, and I have to go make myself presentable to go out to dinner with Melanie. I realize I'm feeling sorry for myself and that these feelings will pass. Maybe I'll be euphoric next journal entry. I hope so. I apologize for the less-than-perfect grammar and punctuation in this journan entry. I don't have time to read it over three times like my obsessive-compulsive self usually does.

<~~~