Oh, dear journal of mine, today has been rather stressful and frantic. I'll paste an e-mail I wrote to my friends to save me some time explaining and then do a short commentary to further explain:

Subject: When I Cry, I Close My Eyes... (Van Mailing)

Okay, things aren't as bad as my subject implies. But I just want to describe to you all my day.

I got into my Topics in Math class, my first class. Right away I saw Candice, this girl who was in my Latin class and whom I talked to a couple times. When it's the first day of school and you see someone you even barely know, you cling to that person. She was telling me about how she went to her "dom's" graduation this summer. BDSM has been a recurring theme in my life lately (just a year ago, I'd barely heard of it)...I wonder if it's a sign...hehe. Anyway, I glanced up, and in walked...ANDREW. I had spent the entire past week worrying that I'd happen to walk by him on campus. Never did I even think he could end up in one of my classes. Sigh. It's a class of about 100, so it won't be horribly hard to avoid him I guess. But when I saw him, my blood went cold...I literally became numb and felt a cold chill over my whole body. I have no idea how I'll act if he tries to talk to me, if he even tries to make eye contact with me. I don't even know what I'd say to him..."Get the fuck away from me!"? I don't know. Sigh.

Then I had an hour break and went into the food dome to eat my brown-bag lunch (I'm too cheap to buy myself lunch there...hehe), and something half-way decent happened. I was sitting at a table alone, and I spotted a guy who looked really familar, so I stared at him for a few seconds trying to register who he was. He saw me looking at him and came to my table and said, "Could I sit here?" I said, "Sure." He said, "I'm sick of trying to find some place to sit." Well, he didn't end up being anyone I'd met before...but we talked awhile, and he was really nice. His name's Jeremiah, and he's an International Studies major. I'm just not used to random boys talking to me, other than scary club guys, guys who sexually harass me at work, and married men...hehe.

Then I went to my Sociology class, and that was fine. I think my teacher's going to be cool.

Then I went back to the food dome because I had another 2 hours to kill.

Anyway, and THEN I went to the ~scary music~ Research Methods in Psychology class. We got handed a syllabus that's like 10 pages of information. We have 7 books for the class, only three of which I have. I'm not even going to go into the details of exactly what I have to do for this class, but I am petrified. I had to hold back the tears driving home today. I'm really scared I'm not smart enough! I don't even know if I'm going to work at JCM any this quarter because I know I'm going to have to donate so much time to this class. And he wants us to go to all the office hours all the time, meaning I'll be spending up to 10 hours on this class inside of class, not counting the hours I'll be spending doing homework. Sigh...I'm just so scared. And there's a little note at the bottom of the syllabus that says, "If you don't pass this class, you'll have to take it until you do or switch majors." Nice, huh? Jesus. And this guy Adam that I was friends with for part of last year is in my class. It was a weird little friendship we had because I really think we had a real chemistry between us, and it seemed for a very long time that he was interested. He asked me out to lunch and gave me his phone number and everything. But then the quarter ended, and I was e-mailing him, but he'd never respond. Well today, he came right up to me all happy to see me and everything. So I thought I'd be a little outgoing and say, "Do you want to work together in this class since you live so close [in Fairfield]?" (He'd already taken it once before but dropped it because it was too hard to do while working 40 hrs.) He said, "Well, actually I don't live there anymore. I live in Springfield now with my girlfriend." Sigh. He said, "But we can still exchange numbers and stuff. We'll get it all written down on Wednesday." Well, I only have a TEENSY crush on him, so this isn't a huge let-down, but still man...grr. But we can be very good friends. I really don't know if I'd have time for a boyfriend with this class. My friend Jessica is in the class, and we're also in the same lab section, so we can help each other.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I'll admit to you all that I haven't had to work hard in college at all until now. I've gotten by studying the night before (or the morning of) exams and have gotten decent and even good grades. Ah, how things have changed. I've never even attended office hours before...now they're almost required. I'm done complaining. I'm not complaining so much as I'm scared, actually, because I have a really hard time with motivation. But I guess if I realize that I NEED this class to be what I most want to be then maybe the motivation will come. I don't want to stop working at JCM! Aw...sigh. Anyway, I love you all.

Love,
Regina

Mmkay, so, yeah, I saw Andrew. I don't know how I'd feel if I found out he reads my journal. I've said some pretty icky things about him, today included. Maybe if he has read it, he won't talk to me, which would be good. Our relationship at the time felt not horrible and slightly good, at least when he was kissing me and making me feel beautiful and adored and wanted. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized how horribly he treated me. And I think I've replayed the relationship over and over so many times in my mind, each time making things a bit worse. Today was the first time I saw him after having replayed the relationship in my head a billion times, so all this intense anger was built up. But, I hate to admit...behind the anger were butterflies. How could I even have feelings for someone who used me and treated me like shit? I'm such a wuss.

So that's school right now. Journal entries are going to be less frequent until after I pass this class. I just keep thinking, "In three months, I'll be free!" (That is, if I pass it.)

To update on the Henry situation, his excuse for telling Diane I'd called him was that he was half asleep and didn't know what he was saying and, according to him, said his aunt called him who SOUNDED LIKE me. Diane swears he didn't say that...he even told her the story of "my calling him" on two separate days. Was he half asleep both days? I just don't know...all my warm mushy "I'm a better person because I know Henry" stuff is starting to wear off because I'm realizing that, as my girls were saying, "he's on valium for a reason."

And now I shall hit the books.