I've not been happy at all lately, not at all. That whole "Happiness is from within" thing is probably true, but I don't know how to make it true for me lately when bad stuff keeps happening around me. I can't just let things roll off my back...I'm not like that. I internalize everything. I've been letting things that have to do with people I care about really bother me. I've been feeling hurt over so many things. I'm not sure if I'm so hurt because I truly have a reason to be or if it's because I'm so critical of everything that happens in my life. Maybe I take things too seriously. If so, how do I stop? Whenever I get emotionally distressed, every other factor in my life suffers. First I decide to eat everything in the world. Then I decide not to exercise. Then I just get sick and sleepy and never want to get out of bed...thus I don't get any work done (I have done NO homework this weekend even though I turned down people's invitations to go out so that I could stay home and do homework). I'm so afraid I'm going to get behind in my Research Methods class. The amount of stress I feel over this class is unable to be described. And it's not like I'm getting psycho over it and studying for it all the time, either. I'm doing just the contrary. I'm totally neglecting it because thinking about it makes me feel really depressed and nervous. I just don't know what to do...I feel as though I'm having somewhat of a breakdown. Lord help me...I need peace.

A really big idiot came into JCM today. First off, he was ogling my boobs. In the meanwhile, Henry and I were discussing the mild (in comparison to last April) rioting that's been going on in Cincinnati. (I think it's probably done by now. I've not been keeping up with the news.) I was giving my opinion on it, saying how I feel both black and white people are at fault for the bad relations in Cincinnati. While I was explaining this viewpoint, the boob-watcher decided to comment, "I think it's because those people [the African Americans in Over the Rhine] aren't intelligent." I replied politely but sternly, "I don't agree at all." WELL, then he WENT OFF on me. He told me about all this crap about him losing jobs because of the companies' need to fill quotas and whatnot. And while I don't agree with filling quotas, WHY was he relating such a subject with the Cincinnati riots! And he went on and on, sounding more and more like a total moron and using words incorrectly. I was even agreeing with him for a few things, but he didn't realize that because I was using words he wasn't familiar with, I suppose. Then he just started shouting at me repeatedly, "Don't you ever call me prejudice! Don't you ever call me prejudice!" (I didn't!) I should have replied, "And don't you ever stare at my tits!" but I just wanted him out of the store, so I just smiled and nodded. Jesus Christ!

I was complaining to Henry about this being a bad week for me, and all he had to say was "Well, I've not upset you at all. You can always say I'm on your good side because I never hurt you." Leave it to one-track mind Henry to ALWAYS think of himself in any given situation.

Last night I had a non-vegan binge. It was a mix of my internalizing everyone telling me "You won't get all your vitamins!" and my wanting to eat the same foods I used to take comfort in when I was depressed pre-veganism. So I figured I'd have one night of freedom and further investigage the healthiness of the vegan lifestyle to determine whether or not I'd return to veganism today. Well, I investiaged and read a lot, and I should be fine. Vegetables, fruits, and grains have all the nutrients I need except for B12, which my 2 multivitamins give me 160% of. I'm still kind of iffy about cholesterol since it, too, is only in animal products, but the human body produces it, and my vitamins probably give me the various components of cholesterol. My vitamins, hence, are not vegan, so it is impossible to be a perfect vegan. But veganism is more about an attitude and making changes to your lifestyle that benefit animals than being nit-picky (spelling?). So I'm vegan again today and forever. My cheese products of last night made me physically ill anyway, partly because my body's no longer used to them and partly because of the guilt, I'm sure. They tasted pretty good, though, but I think I can deal.

Jessica, whom I used to avoid because "I really should like that girl because we have everything in common, but I don't for some reason" is becoming a really good friend. I think deep down that I avoided her because I was jealous of her peace of mind. She's so comfortable with who she is and glows with contentment. We hung out on Friday because our class together was cancelled, and we both had 3 hours to kill until our next class. We went to Sitwells and had a long, in-depth talk about just life and people and the world and spirituality. I tell her all my crazy, off-beat ideas about how I think life is, and she doesn't look at me funny...she usually agrees, actually. We went to the New World bookstore and read a bunch of New Age spirituality books . I'm obsessed with that kind of stuff -- it gives me inner peace. I bought a book there, actually. It's a book about natural healing. I read the whole thing in 2 days (skipping over sections that don't apply to me, like how to heal arthritis). I adore it. It is my new Bible. I don't know if I'll ever eat bleached flour products again without feeling I'm poisoning myself. Anyway, Jessica...I think the thing that bothers me about her is her quietness. I always feel the need to fill every quiet moment with talking. She, on the other hand, does not. Maybe she's more at peace and content than I am. Maybe I'm a really nervous, gittery person and don't realize it. Maybe I want to be her girlfriend...hmm. (Her boyfriend has a new woman...WHAT AN ASS.) Maybe I'm not attracted to women at all, and it's all in my head. Maybe I'm not attracted to MEN at all. Maybe I should stop. = )

Later at work, a lady came in and was telling me about how she's a massage therapist. And she was saying about how it was her calling from God...and just went on and on. I felt amazing after talking to this lady. I forgot I was incredibly sad (I'd even been crying at work earlier, trying to dry my tears to look presentable to customers). I wish I could just pray, pray, pray my problems away. But I don't know if I have such simple faith anymore. Sometimes I wish I did.

I'm not going to go to my math class tomorrow. I'll use the extra two hours to do Research Methods. Maybe I'll get caught up that way. I want to pass this class so badly. If I don't pass it the first time, I might give up...I tend to give up easily...and then I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my life. Scary thought...I'm not going to think about it. I will pass this class. ("I-will-sell-this-house-to-day." Is that what she kept saying?)

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