Horse Humor
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IGNORE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON
BOTTLES OF EASY-BOOT GLUE..........
#1. Make sure that you practice putting on the boot before you pour in the glue.
"Don't have to do that-even though this is brand new boot, I'm sure it will go on just like the old one.."
#2. Be sure to wear gloves.
"I'll just be really careful--No gloves, no prob!"
#3. Be sure to protect your clothing.
"I'll just be really careful..........."
#4. Pour 1/4 cup from each bottle into a cup.........
"I'll just kind of approximate like I do when I cook (because I'm such a fabulous cook!!!!!!!)"
AND THE FINAL OUTCOME:
Mixing the stuff up ... so far so good. Pour into boot (seems like an awful lot). Try to apply boot ... it's NOT going on!!!! Trying to pry on with screw driver ... pushing and pulling ... HORRIBLE STICKY FOAM IS OOZING OUT OF THE BOOT!!!! It's everywhere!!! I can't hold the foot up any longer ... have to set it down. My right hand is stuck to the easy boot! The screwdriver is stuck to my pants!! Gasping for breath - I try again ... Hay is stuck all over the boot ... and on my pants ... and now on my hand and horses leg! The boot is on but it is horribly twisted ... I have to take it off!!
The rest I can't even talk about except to say ... my pants are permanently rubberized - there is a screw driver forever stuck to the wheel well of the trailer - My horse still has hay stuck to her leg - my hands, three days after the "event", are the consistency of hay-infested elephant skin - and my brand new easy boot looks like a tiny bale of hay.
SOOOOO - the moral of the story would have to be ....... read the instructions!
The Horse Dictionary
Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.
Basic Rules for Horses Who Have a Barn to Protect
The art of snorting: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse to accommodate them.
Neighing: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, 'Neigh, neigh, neigh.'
Stomping cats: When standing in cross ties, make sure you never - quite - stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing: Make a contribution to the architectural industry - chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
Fresh bedding: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
Dining etiquette: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
Doors: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
Going for trail rides: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Holes: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
Ground Manners: Ground manners are very important to humans, break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your humans.
Nuzzling: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your humans. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
Playing: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you.
Top Ten Reasons Why I Like My Horse
(Much better than my ex-husband)
1. A horse will never ask to borrow money.
2. Horses are physically incapable of grabbing the remote control and keeping it.
3. A horse will never tell you that you cooked his dinner wrong.
4. A horse will never tell you that he's got another girl.
5. A horse will never call you up (drunk) at 2:30 am and ask for a ride home.
6. Very few bill collectors will call and ask for your horse.
7. When a horse hangs out with his buddies, they usually stay out of jail.
8. A horse is not aware of football, baseball, basketball, or golf seasons.
9. A horse knows no four-letter words.
10. Horses do not have to be forced to trim the lawn.
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
To Right A Horse
Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.
My wife has a Quarter Horse, with shortened mane and extra long tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail.
She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell,
That fancy pampered Quarter Horse has made my life pure hell!
My wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne.
But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain!
She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night.
And the last time that she kissed ME, was just to be polite!
He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected now, that I attract the flies!
One day my wife was shopping, she was way down at the mall.
And that fancy, pampered DANDY was just a standing in his stall.
He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker up, and take him for a spin!!
I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued.
Cause when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED!!!!
He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence!
I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth, that I ain't heard from since!
My wife came home and saw me, just a lying in the dirt.
She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart are you HURT?"
He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet......
She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!
Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":
21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.
The Truth About Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means
1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two days before your horse is due to come into season.
Top 10 Signs Your Dressage Test Needs Some Work
1. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2. Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K
3. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7. Your working trot had you working harder than your horse.
8. In your salute your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium".
10. Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
1. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
2. Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
3. Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
4. Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the "working canter".
5. Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
6. Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic".
7. Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
8. Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
9. The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.
10. Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager.
Who Can Open the Gate
This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd.
Let's listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses.
............"Who Can Open the Gate?"............
Lipizzan: No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred: I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint: Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino: Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian: You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse: Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred: Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony: Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland: Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule: Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred: Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Friesian: I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang: Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian: Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan: There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa: Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron: I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!
