Some of my messy, convoluted thoughts to an extremely popular and
heart-throbbing question:
"How do you know that so-and-so is the correct person (read: spouse!) for you??"
a) For those who haven’t yet
openly expressed their love (or do not have anyone specific in mind yet) but
are thinking about the question…
I’d ask myself if I could spend the rest of my life with her (for obvious reasons I’ll be using ‘her’ when using myself as a referent), if seeing her each and every day inspires deep love and joyful anticipation. How eagerly do I want to give her everything, and how much joy would such giving give me? Do I want to learn more about her, her values, her life-stories, her experiences, her likes/dislikes, her fears, her dreams? Do I truly love this person, and do I want to love her more?
Maybe it’s just me, but if we can get an honest affirmative for all the above, what more do we need to ascertain ‘correctness of fit’? (smile)
Another way of putting this is: Do NOT take the plunge unless your heart has jumped in first! Of course we’re opening up ourselves to every number of hurt and pain, but I assure you the potential for true fulfillment and real love comes no other way. It certainly doesn’t come by ‘fast love’, the occasional flings or the more common ‘probation periods’ on defaulted break-up mode if nothing ‘extraordinary’ happens (‘extraordinary’ usually meaning, “I somehow keep feeling attracted to this person…” with the implication that this was more or less unexpected).
(Note: An evaluation of the ‘right’ person for us may need to begin with an examination of what might constitute criteria for the WRONG person. My ONLY ‘firm’ idea on this is that we may wish to avoid any romantic involvement with the person if said individual does not share the same fundamental outlook on, and values in, life as you do – e.g., a Theravadan Buddhist and a Muslim would posses almost antithetical views of reality and whilst this may not (yet) be an issue in Platonic friendships and casual acquaintances, I can’t imagine it being a healthy factor between husband and wife. See my write-up on Christians being involved with non-Christians for more on this issue.)
However, if I’m reading the question right, it normally presupposes that if someone is the ‘correct’ partner for you, then a) you two will never break-up and b) you two will enjoy a ‘good, fulfilling’ life together (whatever that means). But assume that things look and feel great for a few years prior to a break-up – would the preceding years thereby reflect a ‘correct’ match? If not, why not? Who’s to say that permanence is a necessary attribute of a ‘correct fit’? And yet again, how do we judge the quality of the life together? If a couple stays together for decades and decades yet are known to be constantly in combative mode, can they be said to be a ‘correct’ pair? Seriously, what do we even mean by ‘correct’? What is the nature of this relationship of ‘correct partners’ that we hope to attain?
Due to such ambiguity (for me, at least), I’ve more or less given up focusing on the question and have tried asking ‘simpler’ ones as per above (smile) with, hopefully, more verifiable – and thus ‘knowable’ – personal targets. I would ‘know’ that the person is right for me when I know that I am willing to go all the way with and for this person exclusively. Thus, I take the life-long suitability of my partner to be a stratum of the correctness of the relationship in the first place, a HUGE determinant of which is my heart, my affections, and the power of my commitment towards making it a lastingly loving one.
Short diversion here, but I couldn’t help but see the similarity of this issue with a popular evangelical debate, that of whether a ‘true’ believer can EVER fall away i.e. give up his faith. One major theological school of thought (the Reformed one) would respond by saying that true faith never fails – a faith which ends in disbelief was never ‘true’ in the first place. True believers can never fall away.
On the other hand, Christians like yours truly believe that perseverance is not an attribute of true faith (without which faith is said to be untrue), but is simply what faith seeks to do i.e. faith (or love – not all that different in THIS context) strives to reach perfection by remaining true to what it professes, promises or commits to. Failure in faith at a later stage does not necessarily mean that the earlier experiences and decisions of faith were any less true or ‘faith-filled’; it only means what it so often suggests, that the person’s faith has – for various reasons – succumbed to un-faith, that he has chosen to renounce his trust in God, that his love has become cold, though it clearly wasn’t at the start. Such unbelief, though tragic, doesn’t invalidate the authenticity of his initial faith.
If I’m correct about the nature of faith, then I might be justified in applying my conclusions to the nature of, well, romantic love. I can never judge the fitting-ness of a life-partner by thinking about what might come later. I can never let the mere possibility of failure in the future invalidate the reality of my love in the present. I’d just have to pray night and day for God to continue growing my love for my ‘special’ someone, to help me keep my love from freezing up.
The genuineness of my love (which brings with it all the ‘correctness’ I need for a relationship) hence no longer becomes an issue; it merely remains to be seen if this love will continue.
b) For those already with
someone (but not yet married, I assume) and are asking the question…
I would take the same approach, ask the same kinds of questions, and undergo similar introspection about my heart’s longing. However, I’d have to say that if such musings were NOT mere reconfirmations of the love I’ve been giving and showing from the very start, then I might need to reconsider why I went out with the person at all in the first place. If I still doubt my readiness to share my whole life with this person, why did I even start seeing her? Simply to ‘try’ things out or, as we Malaysian Chinese occasionally say, ‘test the water’?
(I’m of course assuming the rather ideal case where nothing ‘drastic’ or relationally tumultuous has occurred since the first date. Although I grant that we don’t live in an ideal world, I’d have to remind everyone that the original question – “How do I know she/he is the right person for me?” – usually addresses more or less fixed character/relational situations; it could hardly have much relevance otherwise).
To elaborate, if I honestly desired to love this person all the way, why am I rethinking the whole thing now? Was my expressed love/intimacy at the start ‘long-term’ in duration or one conditioned by factors yet unspoken/unknown? When we confess our attraction to someone, what does the confession imply (or even mean) if not something like, “I’m in love with you, I hope the feeling’s mutual, and I hope this will be the start of a life together?” Yet how can one ask such things of a person who is NOT deemed ‘correct’? Yet again if we deemed the person ‘correct’ at the start, what gives with the doubts?
In short, I think it’s an unnecessary question to come out of from people already in an expressed commitment to each other. A better and more proactive - though a totally separate - one might be: “Given that I feel I’m presently falling ‘out of’ love with so-and-so, HOW can I rekindle those elusive passion-flames once again?” And, no, I don’t believe separation is any resort but the last…love is too precious for cheap solutions like that, no? ;>)
“The event of falling in love is of such a nature that we are right to reject as intolerable the idea that it should be transitory. In one high bound it has overleaped the massive wall of our selfhood; it has made appetite itself altruistic, tossed personal happiness aside as a triviality and planted the interests of another in the center of our being. Spontaneously and without effort we have fulfilled the law (towards one person) by loving our neighbour as ourselves. It is an image, a foretaste, of what we must become to all if Love Himself rules in us without a rival.”
(C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p.108-109)
Hope this makes helpful sense,
Alwyn Lau