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So you've come once again
Disturbed my thoughts....raged in my soul

I dont know why I wrote that but it sounded good!

Lately I think no one really knows why I do the stuff I do
Truth is....I dont know
Impulse
Hormones
mentally disturbed
PICK ONE!

So I cower and I hide in my shell again
Never to reveal me?
I highly doubt that!
I just gotta stop doing stupid things

So my friends I trust....
I also trust my mother....after all she IS my MOTHER
As for myself....I dont trust myself around certain people

they make me do bad things

Overall....I'm not so bad
slightly confused
Highly amused
and all that keeps playing in my mind is:

THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE

*****5/9/00*****

So here is am....

Bored

I came back from Cali yesterday morning
I didnt know what I expected but I expected something

I'm a strange child.

I'm dazed, a little confused. Highly amused.
Not quite sure why I do the things I do.

I know I must have a good reason but sometimes I think I dont have any reason at all.
Simple mistakes....sometimes arent meant as mistakes.

Sometimes I think that things will work out this time around.
Then I get slapped (not literally) in the face.

Oh well.

Let's see how this mistake turns out.
Hopefully better than last time because my last mistake wont talk to me now!

~~~~~~~~5/12/00~~~~~~~~

Did I say that out loud? <---(Silver 1~Soulbelly)
Well that's how I feel 2day

Sometimes I speak when I'm halucinating, sometimes I speak when not spoken to
Sometimes I speak when even though I know I'm wrong
But today I spoke and told the truth....and I scared myself
I said something and when I said it I felt honest

It's not like I like I lie often....dont get me wrong....I dont like to lie to people......it's just wrong to do....it's just that when you say things aloud you get a weird sense of conviction and that's what I got 2day.
I said these magic words and now all these things are happening and my mind is
spinning
I'm dazed.....not to mention that my allergy medicine has me drugged!

Onto other news
I've lost my lunch mates

NO!

they didnt perish in some sort or freak mash tator accident in the caff
they just dont like me anymore

What can I say?
Liking me is an aquired taste!

Nah, it's just I was strung out (damn allergies)
And no one seems to understand I have my bad irritable days
so they shun me
I'm thinkin of migrating to a new table
End THEIR misery
I have like a friend or 2 left at that table
Damn my lunch period
and my allergies....if only I had my medicine that day
Plus I lost my wallet
as long as I have the few Best friends I do possess

I'll survive

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5/24/00
Well here I am
sitting in my friend's house
writing
Well, my "mistake".....was a mistake!
Shouldn't have wasted my time with that one!
If I would've known.....
I say that a lot

If I would've know

OH well
MY lunch mates miss me...
I think
I left the table
I detached myself and left. I made the right decsion. I'm out and now they wonder why I left. Was I not clear enough when everyone was ignoring me?

Or were they too busy ignoring me?

well now I take sculpture class instead of lunch
It's all good
Now I'll be able to keep my friends

well my lunch mates still love me

I pity them....how can they love me when they only pretend to know me? LOL....they are so silly!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6/3/00
So today is the beginning of the rest of my life.
Well I could've said that yesterday or 2morrow.

Life is "forcing" me to write again,
but then again thats not really a bad thing because I've been looking for inspiration.

So I have no one holding me back except myself.
With that in mind, I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
It's not a bad thing.
I'm looking for a new way to reinvent myself.

To look different somehow.

Hard to believe that Junior year is coming to an end.
I feel like I could've done better but it's hard to change that now.
I still have finals and the pressures of senior year to face.

Not many people understand me.
I've happened to notice that some people only understand CERTAIN aspects of me
but not ME...I'm waiting until I fully understand myself.

Still waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~
9/7/200
And senior year attacked me yesterday
it came out of nowhere
When will I ever learn?
More mistakes made
Not many lessons learned

*SIGH*

~~~~~~~~3/31/2001~~~~~~~
And for the first time I dont know what to think
I'm lost and so is my friend
Has anyone seen my friendship?
I lost it somewhere
Maybe it fell
and broke into a million pieces

and maybe I'm the one that was lost
Mary doesnt have her little lamb
and her fleece is as black as coal
and my hands are dirty
DIRTY

But I refuse to wash them
because I know I was right all along

and maybe I wont ever be understood
but how do you know if you do right now?
Where oh where has my friendship gone?
oh where oh where can it be
with non-existant arguments
oh where oh where can it be?
And after all this silence
I'm still loud
LOUD

loud

was this supposed to punish me?
instead I'm more out-spoken

and now you must suffer my wrath
of wretched blue and pales of yellow
with hints of red to come
and do you really know me now?

oh well

oh well

and now I rest
no burdens

I depart



So you're pleading to go back?!