My Favorite Quotes Humourous, philosophical. Here they are (in no particular order).... "Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am!"     ~ unknown "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."     ~ Hunter S. Thompson TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book.     ~ Author Unknown "Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners."     ~ Anonymous I live in my own little world, but it's ok ... they know me here.     ~ unknown "It's a game I never play."     ~ Sophia Loren on adultery "Life is simply a play without a dress rehearsal."     ~ William Shakespeare "We must all learn to live together as brothers , or we will all perish together as fools."     ~ Martin Luther King Jr. Don't wish 2 b everything 2 every1, but 2 b something 2 some1.     ~ unknown "If at first you don't succeed you must be trying to install Windows!"     ~ unknown "Is that supposed to be your poker face, or was someone run over by a train?"     ~ unknown Favorite Oxymorons: Military Intelligence Microsoft Works Jumbo Shrimp Government Organization Airline Food Virtual Reality Band Jocks Clever Fool Reality T.V. "we are the music-makers and we are the dreamers of dreams"     ~ O'Shaughnessy The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.     ~ unknown Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.     ~ unknown Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.     ~ unknown "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."     ~ Albert Einstein (1879-1955) "I didn't get his drift, and said so. He continued snowing."     ~ unknown "The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself exactly how much I hate to exercise."     ~ Dennis Miller "A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."     ~ Lisa Kirk "And remember....a mistress who marries her lover leaves the position open...."     ~ unknown Sign posted in the Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, Girls. He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders." "Everything good in life is either Illegal, Immoral, or Fattening"     ~ unknown "It is better to die than to sin; better to want than to defraud; better to hunger than to lie."     ~ E.G. White Growing older is Mandatory, Growing up is Optional.     ~ unknown "I was on a job interview, and was asked what my dream job would be. I said, 'The words dream and job don't really go together for me. How about "dream, no job." Do you have that?'"     ~ Chris Mancini "I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?"     ~ Ronnie Shakes Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet soda!     ~ unknown What did God say when he created man? I can do better than that.     ~ unknown "Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell."     ~ Roseanne Barr "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."     ~ unknown "They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative. I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock aerobics class?" Clear as a bell my body said, "do it and die."     ~ unknown "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."     ~ Martin Luther King Jr. "Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."     ~ Garrison Keillor "My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."     ~ Buddy Hackett "America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization."     ~ George Clemenceau And remember, a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.     ~ unknown Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.     ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.     ~ Edgar Watson Howe "I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words."     ~ unknown "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."     ~ Groucho Marx "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want out of life and killing ourselves to get it."     ~ Don Herold "I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."     ~ Tom Lehrer "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."     ~ Oscar Wilde "Never put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today."     ~ Douglas Ottati "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'"     ~ Isaac Asimov Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.     ~ Adrienne Gusoff Ignorance is the mother of admiration.     ~ George Chapman A Rental Car: The only true all-terrain vehicle.     ~ unknown "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."     ~ Thomas Alva Edison "In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."     ~ Calvin and Hobbes I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.     ~ unknown "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."     ~ Mark Twain "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."     ~ Mark Twain A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.     ~ Conan O'Brien Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.     ~ unknown Before falling in love with a pair of bright eyes, make sure it's not the sun shining through the back of his head.     ~ unknown Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.     ~ unknown My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.     ~ unknown A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.   ~ unknown Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.   ~ unknown Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.  ~ unknown Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.  ~ unknown Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.  ~ unknown "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."     ~ Mark Twain Only in America... do people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!     ~ unknown "If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want."     ~ unknown "Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man."     ~ Erica Jong "It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."     ~ Calvin and Hobbes "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."     ~ unknown "Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life."     ~ Chinese Proverb If you are going through hell, keep going.     ~ Winston Churchill FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."     ~ Mark Twain "Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."     ~ Peter da Silva "What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"     ~ Fred Allen. "The only reason I did a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill."     ~ Peter Ustinov. "The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt."     ~ Jerry Seinfeld "He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."     ~ Voltaire. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.     ~ unknown "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."     ~ Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle "Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."     ~ Plato (427-347 B.C.) "Plato was a bore."     ~ Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."     ~ Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?     ~ unknown "Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."     ~ Groucho Marx "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."     ~ Will Rogers "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."     ~ Sam Levenson "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."     ~ Winston Churchill "College is spending $100 for a book, and $300 to prove you read it."     ~ Unknown "You can always spot a well-informed man - his views are the same as yours."     ~ Ilka Chase "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak."     ~ unknown Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.     ~ A.H. Weiler "When you go to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."     ~ Norm Crosby "Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain."     ~ Carl G. Jung "Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"     ~ A. L. Milne "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."     ~ Emo Philips A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.     ~ unknown "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket."     ~ June Henderson Definition of a jury: twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney!     ~ unknown "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this - he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids...and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle!"     ~ David Letterman "It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."     ~ Franklin P. Jones "Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way."     ~ Jerold Rochwald "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy."     ~ Daniel McGoorty "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"     ~ Homer Simpson "Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."     ~ Mark Twain "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."     ~ Oscar Wilde "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."     ~ Humbert H. Humphrey Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.     ~ Caryn Leschen If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.     ~ Catherine Aird You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.     ~ Erica Jong If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.     ~ Sue Grafton Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.     ~ Maryon Pearson Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes     ~ Bruce ( from the movie "Bruce Almighty") Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!     ~ unknown I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.     ~ Gloria Steinem Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.     ~ Charlotte Whitton The phrase "working mother" is redundant.     ~ Jane Sellman "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."     ~ Mark Twain "Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after all, has to make sense."     ~ Mark Twain "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."     ~ Oscar Wilde "The best armor is to keep out of range." - Traditional Italian proverb "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes."     ~ Mark Twain "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."     ~ Galileo Galilei A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.     ~ unknown "Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."     ~ Zora Neale Hurston, U.S. novelist "I told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. 'We are out of cornflakes. F.U.' It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar. It's not your fault Felix: it's a rotten combination, that's all."     ~ Walter Matthau to Jack Lemmon - The Odd Couple, 1968 "One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."     ~ Jim Carrey I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people.     ~ Matthew Broderick in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" I couldn't have said it better myself so I'm not going to try.     ~ unknown "I was brought up in a country that relished fear-based religion, corrupt government, and an entire white population living on stolen property that they murdered for and that is passed on from generation to generation."     ~ Sean Penn "All kids need is a little help, a little hope and somebody who believes in them."     ~ Earvin "Magic" Johnson "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."     ~ unknown ?It's the same thing with abortion. If men had babies, strip malls would be full of drive-through abortion clinics, and RU486 would be an additive in beer.?     ~ Will Durst "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."     ~ unknown Bright Eyes, Bushy Tail - A squirrel on crack!     ~ unknown Necessity is the "Mother" of invention! Sometimes laziness is the Father.     ~ unknown This is me in a nutshell. How did I get into this nutshell?     ~ unknown In response to "When are you going to have kids?"; 1.) "When they come with a return policy." 2.) "If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat." 3.) "I don't breed well in captivity." 4.) "I love kids. I had one last night with a glass of Chianti and fava beans." 5.) "We used to have two, but we traded them in for a new car." 6.) "I can't bear children." let rude enquirer decide which version of "bear" you meant. 7.) "I don't know. When are you going to have manners?"     ~ unknown "Where are y'all from?" "We are from a place where we don't end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, really? I'm sorry. Where are y'all from....bitch?"     ~ Julia Sugarbaker (Designing Women) "Been there, done that, even bought the t-shirt."     ~ unknown Home