The Dr Laura Joke Challenge
Lord dk issued the challenge:
So....here's the challenge. Adapt a standard joke or create a new one based on the Carp Queen. If there are enough entries, maybe a panel of judges can be formed and a winner declared. Here's a couple to get things rolling...
Q. How many single mothers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A. NONE! If they didn't have the moral fortitude to keep their
marriage together so there'd be a man around the house to do that
sort of thing for them, they deserve to sit in the dark! And
don't tell me they didn't know the bulb was going to burn out
when they bought it. They knew ALL ALONG!!! They just wanted
something cheap they could screw in so they get what they
deserve!! I guess they'll just have to eat more carrots!!
<high pitched cackle>
Q. How many bunchkin's does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. NONE!! As long as I'm my kid's mom he won't set foot near an
electrical socket until he's at least 18 and even then, come hell
or high water, he's going to be married before he screws
ANYTHING!
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Eric, da Red's entry:
Q: What is the difference between a teenager who
gets a nosering and a teenager who strangles her newborn baby on
Prom Night.
A: Nothing.
Q: What advice did Dr. Laura give to the pregnant
unwed elephant?
A: None. Dr. Laura doesn't give advice.
Q: What is the difference between a Laurette and
a bag of sand from the hardware store?
A: The pricetag.
Q: Why did God create The Dr. Laura Show?
A: Pol Pot couldn't speak English.
Q: If large semi-aquatic mammals moved into Dr.
Laura's gated community, what style of government would they
form?
A: Hippocracy.
Q: What is the difference between leprosy and The
Dr. Laura Show?
A: The commercials.
Q: Why does Dr. Laura expend no energy when she
changes a light bulb?
A: Because the world revolves around her.
Q: If Dr. Laura fell into a lake, who should be
called first?
A: the EPA
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Lord dk then came back with:
Deryk was talking to his school counsellor one day and said, "What do they call it when mean to say one thing but you say something completely different?"
"Oh, you mean a Freudian Slip."
"Ya, that's it! I had a Freudian Slip. Last night we were at the dinner table and I turned to Mommy and instead of saying "Please pass the beets," I said, "You've fucked up my life you bitch!."
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GISP's entry:
Okay I got one. DL's at a pet store looking for a coyote and the proprietor (what do they call them in pet stores?) shows her a monkey while she waiting.
Man: This is the best-trained monkey in the world, he can give oral sex to either sex better than anyone in the world if you club him in the head.
DL: That's disgusting and I don't believe it either.
M: Watch. (M whacks monkey in the head and monkey runs around and come back to give M what he wants)
DL: That's amazing. M: You wanna try?
DL: Okay. Just don't hit me too hard.
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Maddi's entry:
Q: How many physiologists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Tweeeeeet! I happen to be MARRIED, the proper term for that is
MAKE LOVE in a light bulb because that is a Holy Act of Marital
Communion. Now if the psychologist were SINGLE then we'd be
talking about putting that bulb in a warm place. You people DON'T
GET IT about when I use profane versus sacred terms, do you?
Q: Why did Dr. Laura cross the road?
A: To get to the richer side.
Q: What's the difference between Dr. Laura and a
pit viper?
A: One is a venom-spewing cold-blooded reptile, and the other has
scales.
Q: Why does Dr. Laura walk around the studio
while she sings?
A: To get away from the sound.
Q: How many of Dr. Laura's fans with an IQ over
90 does it take to change the radio station?
A: Both of them.
Q: What do you get when you cross a philandering
professor with a vibrating carpweasel?
A: Deryk Schlessinger.
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Neut's entry:
Dr. Laura is a a booksigning in some cheezy mall bookstore and from the back of the room a voice rings out: "That woman is nothing but a crazed weazel!" Her agent springs forward and shouts: "How dare you call the Doctor a crazed weazel!" To which the same voice replies: "How dare you call that crazed weazel a Doctor!
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Dr. Laura walks into a bar with a really scruffy looking parrot on her shoulder, "What an ugly, dried up old bird!" the bartender says. "Don't talk about my parrot that way!" She cries. "No Lady, I was talking TO your parrot."
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Laura Schlessinger, the Pope and a Boy Scout are flying in a chartered plane. Suddenly the pilot comes on the intercom and says the plane is going down and there are 2 parachutes in the baggage area in the back. Laura immediately rushes back and grabs one of the parachutes and says: "Since I'm the smartest woman on Earth today and my advice could save thousands or even millions of lives over the years, and since I'm on a mission from God I have to save myself! Besides if I don't accept my award in Isreal, they might blame the Arabs and start another war over MEEEEEEE!" as she jumps out the door. The Pope looks at the scout and says: "Son, I've led a full life and you have many years ahead. Please try and live well and help everyone you can. I am at peace with my God, so you must take the remaining parachute. I'll take my chances here" The Scout speaks up, as he tosses a bundle to the Pope: "No need to stay here, your Holiness. The smartest woman on earth just jumped out the door with my knapsack!"
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Laura is bitten on the groin by a small snake that jumped up her skirt and passes out. The Bunchkin stomps on the snake and calls poison control and asks what to do. "The snake you described is a rare California Racer! You must immediately suck the poison out of the wound or she will die!" A voice on the phone says. Laura regains conciousness for a moment and asks "What did they say, Bunchkin?" "They said you're going to die...."
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Q: Why is Amtrack trying to get Laura to quit
radio and work for them?
A: They really need SOMEBODY who can stop a train and Marylin
Quayle is all booked up!
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Q: Why did Laura send an expensive gift to
Limbaugh?
A: She's hoping to get Al Franken to write a book about HER.
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After her last surgery, Laura asked her plastic surgeon why he put a dimple in her chin. "Dimple Shmimple, Laura. That's your navel!" I heard Joe Dante was trying to get her for the remake of "Fiend Without a Face", to save on special effects.
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I see in the Bunchkin's yearbook he was voted "Most likely to join a band founded by Cody Gifford and remake the Barnes & Barnes songbook" three years running!
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Is it true Laura is going to appear on the Simpsons this year as Monty Burn's ugly, evil twin sister? And that she'll use hynotism to steal Ned Flanders away from his family to impregnate her? And then start a national radio call-in show? And make Ned convert to her religion and abandon his kids?
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They were going to release a "Dr. Laura Sings" album but Milli Vanilli & Bill Shatner threatened to sue.
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Did you hear some nut tried to wipe out Laura not long ago? He sent her an unmarked tube of Preparation H!
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When Laura was in private councelling she had a patient with a compulsion. He kept telling her he had an overwhelming desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer at the deli where he worked. Months and months went by and this remained the only thing on his mind. Laura tried everything in the MFCC book to help him but every session was the same thing: "I just gotta put my penis in the pickle slicer!" Finally, out of frustration she tells the man he should go ahead and try it, that as bad as the consequences might be, it is the only way to eliminate his obsession. She shudders as he leaves, thinking he might never come back alive but hoping he might come to his senses before any serious damage is done. To Laura's amazement he shows up for the next week's session right on time, looking like a new man! "Laura, I can't thank you enough for giving me the courage to go through with it!" he says. "Surely you didn't really put your penis in the pickle slicer!" She cries, horrified. "Yes I did! And I'm so happy I can hardly stand it!" "It didn't hurt?" "Yeah, a little when we got fired, but we're getting married next week & her dad is hiring me to run his shoe factory!"
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And Hell's entry:
Dr. Laura was concerned that Deryk keep himself pure and not have anything to do with girls before he married. So, she frequently went off on this subject to him, always ending her lecture with, "Save it for marriage, Deryk!" One morning Deryk arrives at the breakfast table. Looking at him, Laura realizes her bunchkin isn't a little boy anymore and feels another twinge of dread. "So, Deryk, have you been saving it like I told you?" "Got about three jars full now, Mom!"