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LIFE LESSONS
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked, "Can
I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
The moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.
The moral of the story is:
Bullshit might get you to the top but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
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CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
3. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
4. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
5. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
6. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
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Word Play!!!
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official
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20 Fun Things To Do In An Office
1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'
2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'
3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.
4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.
6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.
7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.
8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.'
10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.
19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.
20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
That's it for now...