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[Mike Fisher is our 15-year-old nephew, who lives in New Jersey. This is what he had to say about the following piece of writing, which he wrote with his friend Steve Gray: "This is a little series I've been working on called "The Adventures of Hugh Grant." It's basically a comedy(?) sketch in which I (and in the case of this first one, a friend of mine) think of a few celebrities for Hugh Grant to have a conversation with, then adding some things which I (we) think would be funny if they said or did. I don't know if you'd want to put this on your website, since its exceptionally weird. But judge for yourself." What follows is, indeed, pretty wacky. But, as someone who had a piece of writing called "How To Date Chicks" published in the Philadelphia Inquirer when I was 15 years old, I think I know the part of Mike and Steve's brains from which this emerged fairly well.--RW] This week on The Adventures of Hugh Grant, Hugh comes in contact with Half-Baked star, Jim Breuer, also to be joined later by a surprise special guest. And then to be joined by another not-so-special guest. Who could imagine what crazy things come spilling out of Hugh's mouth this week? Written by Steve Gray and Mike Fisher Hugh Grant: I am afraid, my good fellow, that this hoagie has gone sour! Jim Breuer: That's what I said, but then someone let the zebra out and it was all downhill from there. Hugh Grant: I am the repo man! ::takes Jim's hoagie:: Yoink! Breuer: Hey, my Duck was in there! Hugh Grant: Ah ha! So you admit it! Breuer: Admit what? Hugh Grant: That you have a sour duck! Breuer: My duck is quite fresh, thank you! Hugh Grant: Well of course you would say that! Breuer: What's that supposed to mean? Hugh Grant: That you are, in actuality, Aquaman! Breuer: I am not Aquaman! Hugh Grant: Well, of course, being Aquaman, you wouldn't actually say you were Aquaman. But I see it in your eyes! Breuer: See what? Hugh Grant: The fish I lost in my pocket calculator. Breuer: So you did steal my fish! Hugh Grant: What?! Deuteronomy is my fish! I got him at the shoppe! Breuer: Deuter- what?! His name is billy, you bastard! Hugh Grant: Must we resort to foul language? Breuer: Huh? Hugh Grant: Ick. Your breath smells like that of a hippopotumos inside a small yet firm goldfish's buttocks! Breuer: You shall not submit my fish to your sexual adventures! Hugh Grant: I shall do nothing of the sort! Deuteronomy will live happily inside the sole of my giant shoe! Breuer: Is that some sort of sick analogy? Hugh Grant: No, I have a giant shoe. John Cleese: Hey, give me my shoe! ::yoink:: Breuer: So now you have no home for billy! For the good of the fish, I will call the center for child abuse! Hugh Grant: Wouldn't that have to be a child! Breuer: He is the love child of a circus midget and a rodeo clown! Hugh Grant: That would explain the arms. Breuer: Yes it would. Hugh Grant: Wait a minute, he isn't a fish at all, he's... Pinnochio: I'm a real boy! Hugh Grant: Oh, just dandy! Breuer: Dandy? What's that? Hugh Grant: Why, that is my pet name for my - hey, none of your business! Breuer: Well, you can keep the Zebra, but I'm leaving! Hugh Grant: Well that's just Dandy! Breuer: Wha- Hugh Grant: Shut up. John Cusack: Hi, people! I'm a movie star. Hugh Grant: Oh, wonderful, now we’ve got little Johnny Cusack hanging ‘round. Well, I’m sorry, but I can simply no longer participate in this ridiculous madhouse of a conversation. I bid you all farewell. (exit Hugh Grant) Cleese: Why did you sell me a dead parrot?! ::runs over and beats Cusack with a spider:: Cusack: That doesn't even hurt, you ninny! You gotta use a bigger animal, like so! ::whacks Cleese in the head with dead parrot:: Cleese: Oww! Well, you, my dear boy, will pay for that little gesture of arrogance. Cusack: You can't threaten me! I'm a movie star! I own you! I am Elitus! Breuer: Wow, that was just strange. Cusack: Hey, what th-? I thought you left! Breuer: No, man I just said that so you wouldn't know that I was listening in on your conversation in the other room. Cleese: But we're outdoors! Breuer: Don't use those big words with me, you British jackass. Cleese: That remark was uncalled-for, my good man. Now either you do your "Goatboy" voice or I will move that we engage in fisticuffs. Breuer: Wha-? Cleese: Silence! Goatboy. Now! Breuer: Alright, okay. ::takes drink of bourbon:: Baahhh. Cleese: Again! Breuer: Baaaaahhhhhhhh! Cleese: Good. You are now dismissed. Breuer: Okay. Hey, Cusack, wanna go outside and have a smoke? Cusack: We're already outside, you pothead! Breuer: Dude, what's your point? Cleese: That's it! I shall depart from this place. A fine good luck and good-bye to you both! Cusack: Hey, can I get a ride, Breuer stole my car. Breuer: Stole what? ::speeds away in Cusack's 1996 Mercedes coupe:: Cleese: Fine, hop in, but don't slam the door, that is ever so annoying. Fin
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(Please feel free to email to others who may be interested or to print a hard copy for them but remember: The Dichotomy of the Dog is copyright2001 by Rich Wilhelm. If you plan on making a bazillion dollars from this piece of writing, please let me know so I can sue you or something.)