7/7/03 - 8 Days and Counting

Already halfway through summer, and I have hit rock bottom.  I have reached a point in my life where it consists only of horrible desperation.  I only do things now to make me feel better about my current outcome, which pretty much only makes it 10 times worse.  However, when you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up; you cannot sink any lower.  So during the next few days, weeks, months, I will concentrate on bringing myself back up.

I think one of the main reasons that I have just been feeling so shitty is the fact that I have dated no one since December.  It's not like I haven't been trying either.  There must be some rumor going around Alcorn County that I have the SARS virus or something, and I just don't know about it.  I have tried figuring out some of the reasons as to why I'm not getting any play.

1.  "You're too quiet."

I hear this all the time.   To be honest, no matter how much this is true, it still comes as a shock every time that I hear it.  It's not that I'm quiet; I'm just shy around new people.  Once I get to talking to someone, then I become very personable.  I don't make the first attempt to talk to a girl, and that's probably holding me back on several possible chances to hook-up.

2.  Too cocky/arrogant

For some reason, I have been associated with cockiness and arrogance ever since I was in high school, a time when I was very insecure (and I'm still insecure today), so where the hell does this come from.  I don't know, but I've heard that it's the way that I carry myself -- the way that I walk, talk, dress, look.  I can't help it.  During my childhood I was raised on television.  When kids were outside playing, I was inside watching TV, which is pretty much where my almost non-southern accent came from (although my dad is from St. Louis).  I was always in awe of the cool guy characters in movies and television shows, and I wanted to be like that.  Maybe in my mind I tried to take on the persona of the cool guy, and it rubbed some people the wrong way.

3.  Too insecure

You know how I'm supposed to be cocky and arrogant?  Well, I'm really not.  In fact, I have hardly no self confidence whatsoever, which makes it very hard for me to hit on a girl.  Hell, I get worried that when I look at a girl, she might see me staring and think I'm a weirdo.  Yeah, I'm a strange guy.  Blame it on the parents.

So those are probably the main reasons that I'm just not dating.  However, I hope to change things; change the person that I am.  Hopefully after reaching twenty-one years of age, I will be a new man.  Hell, my parents will finally consider me a "man."  Anyway, take care and thanks for reading.

-N 

7/4/03 - Independence Day - 11 Days and Counting

If I was still going out with Jill Shumaker, then we would be celebrating her birthday.  That's just a little stupid trivia for anyone that cares.  Jill and I never really had a "connection."  We only went out for four months, but it was mostly good; bad break-up though.  YESTERDAY WAS HORRIBLE!!!  I was thinking that yesterday would be a busy day at the grocery store and more particularly the meat department, but I never anticipated the non-stop, unforgiving rush of customers that lasted from the point that I arrived (12pm) until the time that I left (9:45pm).  The store was supposed to close at nine, but the customers just kept coming and coming.  We usually start cleaning up the meat department by 3 to 3:30, but we didn't even get started cleaning til about 5:30.  I didn't even get a break until eight.  Needless to say, as soon as the day was over, I wanted food, a shower, and a chance to sit back and relax perhaps sipping on a mix like only I can fix them.  However, there was no drink.  In fact, I was pretty much wiped by midnight, but I couldn't go straight to bed.  I had to wait about forty-five minutes until my sister got done playing on my computer.  I meant to get on last night and update my site, but I never got the chance.  

I caught the latest Ren and Stimpy on the first network for men, and I have to say it was pretty fucked up.  The first new episode that they played was just stupid, and I didn't like how Ren and Stimpy were both gay.  If I had to pick the best out of the three cartoons on TNN, I'd probably say that Stripperella is the best.  It probably makes me laugh out loud the most.  As for the changes that TNN has made for its station, I'm all down for it, but I think that once Maxim magazine has its own TV channel, it will blow TNN out of the water. 

I have made some changes to the site recently.  Mainly I created a new Poems archive since the regular section was becoming to full.  And there are still a lot of poems that I have not even posted on the site.  If I posted all the poems that I have written, then I'd probably need at least three more archives.  I might do that eventually.  Anyway, I should have a new post tomorrow.  Check back then.

-N

6/30/03 - 15 Days and Counting

Sitting at home, and nothing to do.  Actually I could have gotten out tonight, but I decided not to.  I had the chance to ride around with a carload of girls and one guy, but I didn't even consider it.  Then B-Lake aka Kingpin was having a little party at his apartment (nothing but guys).  What do you think my answer was for that?  Like I told Neal on MSN Messenger, I've become allergic to sausage.  The thing about sausage parties is that they always turn out the same way.  Every guy begins to say the same thing -- "Dude, we gotta get some girls over here!"  But instead of dialing digits, no one makes an effort whatsoever.  It's just how they turn out.  I don't understand the logic behind it either, and I fucking do it sometimes!  Now why would I turn down the chance to ride with a carload of girls?  Well, one of the girls, who is supposed to be a good friend of mine (someone that I can trust), kind of betrayed my trust, or at least, I feel that way.  She purposely tried to sabotage me on something that was important to me, and it just pissed me off.  I don't try to fuck with someone's personal life or personal dealings, and I don't need anyone to do that to me.  And if they want to do it, then fuck the trust.  Hell, it just seems like I can't trust any girl these days.  I'm really starting to develop some serious issues with women.  I just wish that there was at least one who I could confide in and not have to worry about her going behind my back.

-N 

6/29/03 - 16 Days and Counting

Well, the countdown is coming closer to ending.  What happens in sixteen days?  I turn twenty-one, and it's sort of like the ending to an era.  I have reached all the eager points in my life.  First, there is that waiting and anticipation for sixteen b/c you will be able to get a license.  Next, you wait for eighteen because you can buy tobacco products, get into clubs, and legally move out your parents house.  Then there is twenty-one, you have reached adulthood.  You can purchase alcoholic beverages, go to casinos, upper-class strip clubs, etc.  Sixteen more days ends anticipation for numbered birthdays.  After that, each following birthday is counting down to the end of my life.  I was planning a huge birthday bash, but I decided against those plans.  I figured that with all the hype, it would more than likely be a huge letdown.  So my plans have changed from a birthday bash to a trip to the casino in which I plan on coming back with a lot of money...probably be the other way around though.

I have been real busy creative wise lately.  In fact, my social life has somewhat diminished.  I am just not partying as much; however, I did last night in a pretty heavy manner.  I have written about four new poems.  I think that an inspiration nerve was hit somewhere.  There are some things in my life that are going the direction that I want them to go, and there are other things that seem to be going nowhere.  I just hope that next month I will have a more satisfying life.  Anyway, head to the sea and check out the new poems.

-N

6/25/03 - 8:20 am

It's early in the morning, real early for me, but I had to write this column.  I made a promise to myself that if I was not able to write anything creatively due to lack of ideas, then I would at least update my website since I hardly ever write on it.  I meant to have this column done last night when I got home, but I had such a long day.  It was Tuesday yesterday, and every Tuesday I work from nine in the morning to nine in the evening.  And what a day it was!  An older couple (probably in their thirties to forties) with a baby boy in a buggy made me thank God that I was fortunate to receive an education.  The man came over to me while I was putting out smoked meat and asked me if I could read a word off of their list because him and his wife could not read it.  The word on the list was "backon."  Back on?  WTF?  Then I realized the word was supposed to be BACON.  When I have incidents like these at work, I remember watching Married With Children and seeing Al Bundy come home from work and start his conversation to Peggy by saying, "A fat lady came in the store today...".    By the end of the night, I was ready to unwind, and apparently Blake (formerly Kingpin at Wegotballz.net) was grilling steaks at his apartment, so I decided to go.  When I get to Blake's, there are no steaks grilled to perfection; there are no steaks grilled at all.  I asked Blake if he was grilling steaks.  "No grill," he replied.  Yeah, if you plan on grilling steaks, then always make sure that you have a grill -- remember that kiddies.  I chill there for awhile because I don't want to seem rude.  I start talking to some of my friends on MSN, and then Blake's yahoo messenger starts up.  It's some girl (HOT GIRL) with a webcam.  So I chat with her, and I tell her to "flash" just playing, you know?  Lo and behold, the girl flashes and starts getting crazy.  I was like WTF?  Two WTFs in one day!  While this is going on, we have Blake's webcam going too, so the chick can see us.  The girl must of found me attractive b/c the crazy antics did not stop, and all of this made me wonder...perhaps I should get a webcam for my computer.

Breaking up...hmm...breaking up.  Let me give you my analogy for breaking up.  Breaking up is like going to a fancy restaurant and ordering something that you have never heard of before.  So the waiter brings the food out, and it looks good, GREAT in fact.  You take your first bite and UGH!  Horrible, horrible taste.  What is this food that I have been served?  Well, you keep eating and eating because you don't want to pay thirty dollars for a meal that you didn't finish after the first bite.  Eventually the meal is fully consumed, and you know that you don't have to buy it again the next time you come to the restaurant.  Breaking up is like that.  You make it through the break up, and you don't have to go through it again with the same person unless you make the mistake of dating them again.  I always believed that when you broke up with someone, you should stay broken up.  What's the point of getting back together?  You'll just have the same problems once again.  Plus, your pride is at stake too.  If you go out with that person again, you show that you're weak, and you cannot step up to that person -- they still have power over you.  Well, I have never gone out with any of my girlfriends after they have broken up with me, and I will not go back out with them.  Friendship is possible in some cases though.  Anyway, I promised that I would post poems that I wrote last summer during one of the worst times of my life, and I have done so.  Four poems of sadness/anger/aggression are now sailing in the sea.

-N

6/23/03

Yeah, this is the NEW Realm...we straight?  I will just get right into it.  I did not have a pleasant night at work.  The main reason is that THE MAN was closing.  Who is THE MAN, you ask?  For those of you who have jobs, THE MAN is who you work for.  Who are you working for?  THE MAN.  Who does your parents/parent work for?  They work for THE MAN.  And tonight, THE MAN had it out for me.  Don't get me wrong.  Sometimes when I go to work, I confuse work with play, and that's just something that is easy to do in my line of work.  I work in a freaking grocery store for Africa's sake.  There is not one thing that is serious about my job.  In fact, I work in the part of the store that SERIOUS has no place -- the Meat Department.  While we, employees of the meat department, do work, we also spend our time talking trash, goofing around, and celebrating manhood (all except the one female worker).  My point is that it is easy to not take your job serious when there is nothing serious about it.  Eighty-five percent of the conversations in the meat department involve gay jokes, fourteen percent involves girls, and one percent involves wrestling (WWE).  That is my entire work week -- five days total, off on Wednesday and Sunday.  So tonight I piss THE MAN off not once but TWICE.  Terrible?  Terrible indeed.

One thing that we do in the Meat Department is bag frozen rolls.  Well, me and my fellow co-worker/friend, Matt, decided to cook about six rolls that were left in the meat department cooler over the weekend.  The rolls are supposed to be put back in the freezer if there are any leftovers, but I put some rolls in the cooler for the purpose of cooking them.  Well, we picked the wrong night to cook them.  I leave to take a piss, and Matt also does the same while the rolls are left cooking.  I come walking back and see THE MAN standing over the rolls which were cooking on the wrapping station hot plate.  Would you have liked to have been in my shoes?  Didn't think so.  Well, THE MAN chewed out both my ass and Matt's; however, I would say that I took most of the chewing since I admitted to most of the crime.  Matt saved our asses by saying that we would pay for the rolls, and we did.  End of story?  No, not yet.  So I become so paranoid the rest of the night that THE MAN is out to get me.  THE MAN has a stick up is ass, and he wants to jam that MOFO up mine.  So I decided that the best thing for me and Matt to do was get the hell out of there earlier than usual.  Everything goes according to plan, and we're on our way out except I got ahead of Matt.  I stopped by the break room for a sec to wait on Matt and talk to Tammy who happened to be in the break room.  While we conversed about the awkwardness of our recent decision to speak to each other again, guess who walks into the break room...THE MAN.  "Nick, what are you doing?"  "I was just leaving," I say.  "Yeah, you better because you are about to get on my bad list."  And up front I went, clocked out I did, out the door I exited.  But I decided that me and THE MAN just had a misunderstanding, so I went back inside to plead my case, which was a good thing.  Because he told me that he wasn't really mad at me, and I was still on his GOOD LIST; however, it was probably just  by a hair.  Anyway, it was a crazy crazy night.

Tomorrow, I plan on updating the Sea of Poetry with the heartbroken and angry poetry that I wrote last summer when I experienced something very difficult in my life.  This is never before read by anyone else, but I'm putting it out there because I made a promise to be more true to myself and my readers.  This is the real me.

-N  6

6/22/03

I've been contemplating a possible rehaul to this site.  The dvd section and the kizzastrophe will probably be removed since neither section gets updated.  Both sections just eat up space, and I need that space to fill with my mental problems.  Heh.  I'm not really joking.  Also, this section, the Nner Realm will be more honest.  I feel like maybe I hold back too much.  I don't let my true emotions go because perhaps I'm afraid that I may offend certain people.  The hell with that.  If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest to others.  I'm just shilling myself out.  I will say what I think, what I feel, whenever I like, no matter what the cost.  The way I see it -- my friends are always going to be there; I'm not dating any girls right now; when I say what I say, I am always valid with my reasoning -- so there.  What do you think about that, mass internet community?

Tonight I was talking to a girl on messenger who I first spoke to on ICQ about 4 years ago.  I won't reveal names just cause, but I haven't talked to the girl since that first convo until most recently.  Apparently while partying one night at a friend's house, she happened to be there and formed some sort of attraction to me, which is cool.  I have no problem with it, but I don't think that I'm really interested in the girl.  It's not that she is unattractive or that she has a horrible personality.  My reasoning behind it is that she is simply what my group of friends (THE CIRCLE) refers to as a ho, slut, whore, etc.  If I have offended any girls, then I apologize.  I know that guys get it easy by not having to endure such hateful titles, but I am a guy, and I was raised as a guy to use such terminology.  Some guys have no problems with girls having relations with many guys, but I'm not one of those guys.  I expect more from girls that I possibly consider dating.  I decided to have some fun with her and just find out exactly how many guys were involved in her slut making process.  She wouldn't give me a total roster count, but she did say it was pretty bad.  Like I didn't already know.  I get these things confirmed ahead of time without having to speak to the actual source.  The only reason I ask the source is to see how trustworthy that person is.  So I couldn't get an answer; oh well, that's a strike.  I like blunt honesty b/c I give blunt honesty.  And if anybody wants to know something about me, then I tell them.  If you want secrets, then go on Jerry Springer.  Anyway, the whole point to this is that I'm sick and tired of this -- are these the only girls that I can get these days?  What happened to the times when I actually dated girls who met my criteria?  Those times seem long gone.  I want something new; not something used.  I want someone who I care about; not someone who "cares" about too many people before me.  I want serenity.  But then again...maybe I ask for too much.  Oh, well, these are my ramblings, and tomorrow is just another day.  I have updated the poetry section by the way.  Check it out.  Until next time.

-N

6/19/03

Well, I am finally back. I hate having to start off most of my columns like that.  You think that after being out of school for an entire month, I would have time to update this thing.  Well, let me see if I can sum up my past two months.  

April

Tammy decided that she would rather take Brian White to the prom instead of me; I get totally pissed off and decide to not talk to her ever again.  I stop dating Nikkie and focus on finishing up the school semester.  I also bust my ass in the gym nonstop.

May

My cousin Bobby nearly dies after he's hit by a train in his truck.  I am still not talking to Tammy.  Jeremy Sanders senior party is a blast; a lot of people showed up.  Amanda Mills (Nikkie's friend) finds me attractive and wants to hook up.  On the night that we are supposed to hook up, the driver side window of my car is busted out, and my cd player is stolen.  Needless to say, I am not in the mood to hook up.  Buy a new cd player from my car, and it's top of the line kickass shit (Pioneer Premier).  

June

Tommy installs my cd player, and I decide to buy factory replacement speakers for my car.  Tommy replaces my speakers.  My car sounds kickass now.  I might be adding subwoofers next month.   I get a puppy from Matt and name it Cash.   I decide that holding a grudge is pointless and I miss talking to Tammy, so I ask her if we can call a truce.  Today was when we called the truce.

Okay I think everyone is pretty much up to speed now.  That's pretty much what's been going on in my life lately.  Hardcore got his own place, and I helped him move into it tonight.  I say that it's pretty sweet.  It's probably going to lead to nonstop partying, but I'm not complaining.  I'm thinking about adding a few poems that I wrote last summer when I was depressed about you know what.  This summer really hasn't been that great either, but I'm optimistic that it might get better.  Then again, I've already gone through a lot of shit dealing with my car.

-N

4/13/03

During the past week, I thought a lot about the direction of my life. Where exactly am I going? It seems like I'm stuck trying to put together a puzzle, but I have run out of pieces. I'm not depressed; I'm just unsatisfied. I believe that there is more to this life than what I have so far. There are places in the world where I have never been. In those unexplored places, could there be something more for me? I want to be a writer, yet I'm stuck in school not experimenting with the writing that I want to do (more on this later). As a creative writer, I need life experiences. I need to know what it's like to be in other parts of the world. However, most of this life questioning stems from love, but don't all things. Isn't every person affected by love? Isn't love what drives us all whether or not we realize it? I have always believed that there is one person for everybody in the world. I have spent much time searching for that one girl, but I have been wrong every time. I'm starting to wonder that maybe the girl I'm meant to be with is not here. And when I refer to "here," I mean Corinth, the place where I live. My girl could be miles away, or perhaps she is here, and I just haven't had the opportunity to find out. I don't know. However, I have recently contemplated joining the Air Force. A while back I told myself that if my life felt like it had no direction, then I would probably join the Air Force. Why would I do that? Just look at the benefits: free housing, free meals, good pay, travel. My dad was in the Air Force, and he thinks that I would be able to enter officer school after boot camp. He says that I would earn more money that way too. My cousin Allison is currently in the Air Force, and I know she's bringing home some dough. Plus, this may be a way for me to have the experiences I need for my writing. But if I do find my true love here during the summer, I won't join the Air Force. I am seriously thinking about it though.

The other day in my Ancient Rhetoric class I had a thought. After learning all these different forms of writing and different techniques to use purposely in papers, does it destroy the writer's authenticity. I believe that authenticity is the most important element of style. A true writer writes what he thinks, what he feels, what he believes, and writers are taught to write differently. They are taught to write using oxymorons, analogies, irony while these things can come to a writer without having to be taught what they are. A writer can simply write an analogy without every knowing what he has done, and he or she does not need to be told to purposely write one. It takes away from the writer's creativity and authenticity. If a writing is going to be authentic, it has to be what the writer wants, not what someone else wants, not something that is required for a class. When you cannot write freely and have to write what others tell you, you are not writing for yourself. You are not giving a piece of yourself to the audience. Think about it.

-N

4/8/03

A moment of honesty sometimes can be good, and sometimes it can be bad, and other times it can be quite horrible. I would have to say that timing is an important part of the process. You have to know when to have a heart-to-heart; however, you should not keep yourself bothered up forever waiting for that right moment to come. Well, I had a moment of honesty this past weekend, and I would say that it can be listed in the horrible category. But this wasn't the first time that this situation has occurred. In fact, this particular moment of honesty has always had the same result for me, and it hurts every time. However, I will say that I do not regret what I said, and I do not take back any of what I said. What's done is done. What's over is over. There is no changing any of it.

I've just been so confused lately. I keep feeling like nothing's here for me. I'm not talking about life in general but this place where I live. I keep trying to find answers to myself and my future here when my future could be somewhere else entirely. Sometimes I think I should move on. I feel like I have no direction. I'm just a lonely guy with aspirations to be a great writer when all I'll probably ever be is mediocre. Or maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Just stuck/hollow and alone...and the fault is my own...and the fault is my own...I want to heal...I want to feel...what I thought was never real...I want to let go of the pain I've felt so long...I want to heal...I want to feel...like I'm close to something real...I want to find something I've wanted all along...somewhere I belong. 

"Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park

-N

4/3/03

When will this school year end?  Oh, yeah, another month.  My classes are going good I suppose.  I've missed a bunch of days in one class, but I got either an "A" or "B" in there.  My other classes are the same way except for one, which has a lot of potential to screw me royally.

I've been pissing a lot more lately.  I'm taking this new muscle supplement pill that requires me to drink about 64 ounces of water a day.  I thought I was going to burst in the last five minutes of my Advanced Comp class.  I did get one compliment today from this really hot girl who works at the same place as me.  She told me that I looked bigger.  That's always a good thing.  I checked the scale, and I've gained about three pounds this week.  

I checked out the fall schedule book for my college.  From my early observation, it seems that I may only be able to take two classes next semester.  I wouldn't really mind taking two classes b/c I would only have to go Monday and Wednesday, and it would relieve a lot of stress on my shoulders.  However, I would be knocked down to a part-time student, which I hear isn't a good thing from some people.  As far as I know, I just wouldn't be on my mom's insurance, and I wouldn't have a UNA mailbox.  Besides the insurance, I don't really see a downside.  Less school, less worry.  Less worry, happy me.

I'm doing this column b/c I did promise it, and I have a brand new poem posted in the Sea of Poetry.  Check out "Love Has Gone Deaf," it's up right now.  Thank God tomorrow is Friday.  Then Saturday means "it's time to party!" as Andrew WK would say.

-N

3/31/03

I will go on record and say that I really did not have a spring break.  No, it was more like school without having to attend class.  I still had work that I had to complete; hence, I never really got a break.  While I could have been out hanging with my friends, putting extra time in at the gym, working on my creative projects, I was stuck writing an 8-10 page paper on Hamlet as well as writing a critique of Of Mice and Men.  And these were not the only two assignments that I was supposed have to completed.  I still had stuff from one of my other classes that I just never got around to.  Well, I go back to school today, and I discover that my life is just not going to get any better.  When I was going to Northeast, we would come back from spring break, and it would seem like there was no work left at all.  The teachers started slacking as much as the students.  Now let's take a look at UNA.  Instead of a break after spring break, the workload increases even more.  I didn't think that it could get any worse.  It has.  And one week off from school has left me unmotivated to perform any remaining work.  I am what we college students refer to as "burned out."  

Oh, boy.  And just when I thought that I was going to be able to update this more.  I promise...I promise to make more of an effort; however, my school work is very demanding.  I just wish I could make room for other things like my personal writing and social life.  The Tommy Party that was supposed to have taken place this past weekend did not occur.  It was kind of a good thing too.  Tommy was feeling somewhat sick (he was going blind or something), and I was busy with Shakespeare.  You know, I really used to like Shakespeare, but I'm afraid as this school year goes on, I may just develop a hatred for him.  The only consolation is that maybe one day I can be as famous as a writer as he was and school students will be tortured by having to study my writings.  Yeah, like that will ever happen.  Anyway, the Tommy Party is supposed to happen this Saturday, and I am making room for it no matter what, damn it!  School can kiss my ass for one night of simple-minded partying.  Maybe I can somewhat erase school from my memory for one night.

I may or may not have some things planned for the site this week.  I will promise one new poem; however, I have not written a new poem yet.  I always have lyrics running through my head though, so I figure that I can scribble one down before the week is over.  Then Alakazzam!  You will have a new addition to the Sea of Poetry.  I might also share a couple of jotted notes from one of my notebooks connected to my novel that I am working on.  Let me remind you that my novel is based upon my life, but some of it is fiction.  It's going to be mostly a fiction story with some non-fiction elements thrown in.  I will probably include the "notebook jottings" in this section of my site until I create a new site link that is more appropriate for my creative writing other than poetry.  Stay tuned, and I promise to have at least one more update by Thursday at least.  

-N

3/26/03

Two Months Later

It's been so long.  School has kept me so busy, and now I'm finally getting a break--spring break.  However, I am still loaded down with school work that I am supposed to complete before I go back this coming Monday.  I'm sure that I can get it done.  I'm not sure how I do it, but I always manage to complete any assignment before it is due.  I haven't really slipped up much this semester like I thought I would.  I'm doing good in school, and I'm learning a lot of new things concerning writing, but I just feel burned out.  I'm so burned out that I'm limiting myself to assignments.  I could care less if I finished this semester with straight 'B's.'  As long as I know that I can do the work, I'm not worried about it.  

So what has happened during these two months?  Megan and I parted ways completely this time.  We're no longer dating.  Truth is that I don't even know what she's doing these days.  I'm on shaky ground with Tammy, but this is understandable considering what an asshole I was to her while dating both her and Megan.  I never gave Tammy a fair chance, and I'm kicking myself for that now.  Of course, it's hard to think when you got your head crammed so far up someone else's ass.  Thank God I can think for myself again.  I've also started dating this new girl Nikkie.  She's cool b/c she's heavy into movies just like me, and she isn't into the whole commitment thing at the moment either.  She's also a month younger than me, which is something different.  I never have really dated a girl that was nearly the same age as me.  

As far as my writing goes, I haven't really had much time; however, I did finish modifying the first draft of "Head Game" earlier in the week.  A finished version should not be too far behind.  I'm also working on a novel that is somewhat based on my life and mainly deals with dating and working in a grocery store meat department.  I wrote a poem last night, and it's pretty obvious who it's about.  I'm sure she knows.  It pretty much states how I feel about things now as far as dating is concerned.  The poem's title is "One Chance Too Many," and you can find it floating in the Sea of Poetry.  

This Thursday I am heading to Southern Miss in Hattiesburg with the Thrill and Kingpin to check out the college, city, mall, and clubs.  I'm sure it will be one hell of a good time.  I can't really wait because it is pretty much going to be the only "getting away" that I do on my spring break.  I went to a Tommy Party this past weekend, but it had to be the worst out of all the ones that I have went to.  I'm trying to convince him to throwing another party, although, this one will be private and reserved only to members of our inner-circle.  Should be nothing but card games and a good time.  Anyway, I hope I can update this thing one more time this week.  You may or may not hear from me.

-N

1/26/03

Am I Realizing My Dreams or Just Letting Them Slip Away?

When I was in seventh grade, I decided that I wanted to be a writer.  What was my reasoning behind this decision?  Writing was fun.  And now, do I still feel the same?  Yes, and no.  As school continues, I find myself becoming more and more distraught over what I am doing.  My workload for this semester seems so unbearable.  I am a professional writing major, yet I am not writing what I like.  I am writing what I am instructed to write.  I am writing the way that I'm instructed to write.  I am becoming the writer that I'm instructed to be.  I am not able to be my own writer; I am the education system's model of a writer.  I know that the classes that I'm taking are supposed to better my writing skills, but how am I supposed to develop style when I'm told to write one way instead of another?  In that sense, style loses its uniqueness, something that I have always thought to be associated with style.  Great writers, whose styles are so incomparable, never relied on anyone else to nurture their voices.  They lived to write.  And when they wrote, they wrote what they wanted to write.  I, personally, do not want to write extended definitions, formal essays, research papers, persuasive papers, etc.  I want to write novels, novellas, short stories, poetry, what people actually want to read.  The thing that I value most about writing is creativity.  What is creativity?  It's imagination, and everyone possesses it.  However, only a lucky few are ever able to showcase it.  But why?  Could it be because education ruins imagination?  It sucks away the creativity that we have as children.  Instead of nourishment for our imaginations, we receive removal.  How do great writers escape school with their imaginations?  They don't go to school in the first place.  Or, if they do go, then they major in something that doesn't require their creativity to be ripped away.  Being a professional writing major, I am allowing my creativity to be ripped away.  I'm not allowed to think for myself.  I have to write the way that I'm told, or I will face consequences.  I do get to take a creative writing class in my major, but that is just one class that focuses on creativity.   The class almost serves as a teaser.  And it's still nothing but a regulated creative writing class.  You can't write your own way; you have to write their way.  

Am I just bringing all this to light because I'm tired of school?  Maybe.  But maybe I feel as though I won't be able to make my dream come true because school is going to turn my love into a hatred.  If I didn't have school and I was only working, could I be able to develop my craft better.  Sometimes I think so.  I just finished "Head Game" recently, and it has received very good reviews from the three people that I let read it.  One of those people was my former English IV teacher, and she said that she "loved it."  Maybe if I had more time to write what I want to write, then maybe I could realize my dream faster.  This is all just something that I've been pondering.  The current plan is to continue going to school, but I don't know if I'll be as dedicated.  I want to be my own writer.  I want to do this for myself not anyone else.  

-N    

1/19/03

Well, I thought that I would take a break from Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew so that I could provide another fun filled edition of the Nner Realm.  Lately, it seems that I have just had a lot on my mind.  And what a better place to get stuff off my chest.  I had to give up a Saturday night to come home and do homework.  Sound pathetic?  It is, but that's my life.  I had the same intention for last night too, but my sister's plans interfered with mine.  If I would have had my way at all, I wouldn't have had to fall back on homework as a way of spending my weekend.  Oh, well, I'll advance myself further in college by getting some of this shit finished.  Though, right now I want to spend time with this and sipping on a sweet mix.

The State of My Poetry

Poetry once was my saving grace to keeping my creativity going.  I can start novels and short stories but never finish them.  However, when I started any poem or song, I would always finish it.  Maybe it's because that when I write poetry, I'm not dealing with characters.  I'm not creating fiction.  Most of the time I writing what I feel; I'm writing about my life.  Writing poetry was much easier.  My poems dealt with my happiness, sadness (mainly), uncertainties, etc.  But then last November, it just felt like I was writing the same thing over and over.  I have written about being depressed so many times that there just didn't seem to be any originality left.  I would turn on my radio and hear rock bands singing the same exact songs that I was writing.  There was no originality left in being sad.  Turn to another radio station, and I could hear songs about love.  There was no originality left in being happy.  I became disgusted with myself going through the same motions.  I took my notebook of poetry, which was almost completely filled and closed it.  I didn't want to write poetry any longer.  I didn't fully stop writing though.  I was dealing with a huge research paper for my Survey of English Literature class, and I was becoming more and more inspired with my World Literature class every time we studied something different.  I decided to start writing short stories again.  I wanted to take a break from myself.  I began writing "Head Game" during this time.  And not once did I want to take my poetry notebook out of my backpack.  When last semester ended, I took a break from writing all together.  "Head Game" was just a mere two pages, destined to become another one of my started but never finished short stories.  I occupied myself with work, videogames, and friends.  I really was a bastard to my favorite hobby.  I did start writing again, three days before school started back, and I finished "Head Game," more on that another column.

After being able to finish "Head Game," I felt more of a desire to keep writing.  Maybe that's why I started updating this site again.  And early yesterday morning, I wrote my first poem/song since I had stopped.  It came to me in a sudden burst of creativity, and it is a reflection of my life.  Maybe now I can see myself writing more poetry again.  Once I finished "The New Year," I didn't think it sounded old or unoriginal.  It was something totally different.  It was something new because it dealt with new emotions.  I hope that even with a busy schedule in school, I'll still have time for the more important things such as my creative writing.  "The New Year" is up in the Sea of Poetry.

-N

1/18/03

Coming to you during the first hour of the new day, it's a brand new Nner Realm.  Hey, I'm going to try and keep this thing updated even if it means that I must fend off drowsiness.  There are many things that have been on my mind lately ranging from school, work, girls, and my hobbies.  I do have some good news.  I finished the first draft of "Head Game," my new short story since my award winning story, "Blank Slate."  I'm going to print off the draft and share it with one of my close friends so that I may receive some feedback before the final copy comes out.  I'm thinking about releasing the final copy on my site so that everyone can read it here.  I also discovered that UNA has something similar to the literary journal that "Blank Slate" was published in at Northeast.  UNA's fine arts journal features poetry, short stories, and artwork.  I think you can submit your work without having to go through competition...that sort of takes the fun out of it, in my opinion.  If you're curious as to the plot of "Head Game," the only thing that I can say about it is that it deals with teen suicide.

2003, Already the Start of a Stressful Year

Well, I started my second semester at UNA this week, and my mind has just been blown by the enormous workload that I'm facing.  It seems that there will be no personal time for myself.  This is stressful because it compromises my being able to spend time with someone special.  There is so much writing involved with my classes and ORAL work!  I hate having to do presentations or oral reports because I get so nervous, bad nervous.  If there is one thing that gets me, it's public speaking.  And some people think that I don't have insecurities.  HA!  I'm seriously considering the possibility of seeing a psychiatrist this year.  I think that I'll have to eventually be put on some kind of anti-depressant.  Sometimes things just get so hard, and I think that many of my friends take me lightly when I say that I feel down.  I have suffered from bouts of depression since I was in seventh grade.  I think this year could be the absolute breaking point for me.  And I thought last year was the worst year of my life.  I just wish that I had ONE thing that I was absolutely sure of in my life.  Am I going to make it this semester?  Do I still believe in myself?  Who's there for me?  Who's true to me?  I just don't have the answers to anything anymore.  

I have always wondered why people think I'm cocky before they ever really get to know me.  For some reason, the first impression that I usually make on someone who I don't know is as an arrogant, egotistical asshole.  This has happened many times.  I don't know why anyone thinks that.  Deep down there are so many insecurities that haunt me.  I sometimes think that I may have a split personality disorder.  On one side you have this confident, cocky guy and then there's this sad, scared person.  Perhaps, I may come off cocky by accident.  I try to cover up my insecurities the best that I can and seem normal.  Maybe when I do that, I act like an asshole.  I don't know.  It could always be the way that I walk.  It's been hard to cover up my emotions lately, but I'm still trying my best...and without portraying myself as an ass.  

I have many resolutions for this year, most of them are positive.  With many of my resolutions, I'm trying to be a better person to those that I've wronged.  Some of my actions seem so unforgivable to me.  I'm just glad that I'm surrounded by people who can tolerate me.  I will be better for them.  I hope that the year gets better and has a good ending, but who knows what's going to happen.  There's a chance that I may never even make it to the end of the year.  All I can do is hope for the best.

-N  

1/14/03

It has really been a long time.  I know that explanations would be appropriate, so I will do my best to give one.  In my last Nner Realm column, I promised that I would be back on Friday with a new column.  However, that didn't happen.  After I got done writing that last column in September, I felt as though no one really cared about what I had to say.  Oh, here you have this guy with a computer, so he puts all of his problems on a website in his spare time for people to feel sorry for him.  The last thing that I wanted was anyone feeling sorry for me.  Another thing I felt was that all this, my entire life...just one tiny speck of an entire universe was not as significant as my site portrayed it to be.  No one else cares about my problems except me.  And if they did enjoy reading about them, that would only last for so long until they would finally wish that I would quit my bitching and moaning.  This is how I felt at that time.

Now I feel different once again.  The only reason that I ever did this to begin with was so that I could have another creative outlet to express myself through.  Although, it is a very personal outlet.  But sometimes it feels good for me to do this and get things off my chest.  And by sharing this side of me with other people via a website, it makes it that much more important to me.  It gives more of a meaning to everything going on in my life.

The Problems with Dating

I've been single since July and doing the dating thing since that time.  What a hellacious ride it has been too.  I can honestly say that I prefer relationships ten times over dating.  Some guys can handle it, and some girls can handle it.  I give the dating group their props.  I don't know how they can do it.  For me, it seems that there is even more emotion attached to dating than with an actual relationship.  I am not a person who enjoys hurting others.  As much as I may seem to get a kick out of it sometimes, I really do not enjoy doing it.  I have been hurt countless times, and I can say that each time it absolutely sucked.  I know that I'm an asshole sometimes (well, maybe all the time, Tammy), but dating has made me nothing but a bigger asshole.  When Megan and I ended our relationship, she said that she still wanted to date me, but we could both date other people.  Some guys would love it if their girlfriends told them this.  They would see it as an opportunity to have any girl at anytime while still involved with their former girlfriend.  I wasn't one of those guys.  I dreaded Megan dating other guys, and I didn't think there was anyone left for me to possibly date.  Well, I did find someone, Tammy.  As we dated, I felt something click.  "Click" girls only come along so often.  Some guys may not even understand this concept.  Prepare to take in some knowledge.  There are so few girls that I can really talk to.  When you find a girl that you can be open with, and she can be open with you as well, then you know that you have something special with that person whether it's a friendship or a relationship.  I had seven "Click" girls in high school.  Three of them turned into relationships, two of them I nearly dated, and the other two became great friends.  Our (Tammy and I) personalities played off each other's perfectly.  While dating each other, a connection of trust was formed.  This is how I become the asshole.  While I have one connection of trust with Tammy, I also have a connection of trust with Megan.  Technically I am dating both girls; although, I probably spend more time with Tammy.  However, when dating two people with connections of trust, jealousy plays off both sides.  I feel sorry for both girls because I cannot devote my full time to either one.  The truth is that my head probably isn't even in the right place to devote my full time to anyone.  I no longer know what I really want.  Dating has left me confused.  And on top of that, dating has made me an asshole.  I cannot be my best to a girl unless in a relationship position.   I hate what dating has done to me.  I care deeply for both Tammy and Megan.  I just hope that I can find the best of me once again and to be less of an asshole; especially to you, Tammy.

-N   

9/25/02

I'm feeling a lot better this week.  Last week things were just getting to me, and I was becoming stressed out over school work also.  This column isn't really going to be long.  I'm still working on school things (research paper, test Friday), so I've got other things to attend to.  This Friday I promise a longer Nner Realm.  I've got some things on my mind.    Until then, I've updated the Sea of Poetry with "Box of Love," and there's a brand new Smartassonian Times.  Come back Friday for more updates.

-N

9/18/02

The way that I've been feeling lately...well, let's just say that I've seen better days.  I really don't know what's wrong with me.  Lately I just haven't felt like company.  I don't want anyone around me.  I don't want anyone there for me.  I just don't need it right now.  When people ask me how it's going, I lie to them every time.  I'm not doing good, and I'm far from doing great.  It feels like there's a comfort that I once had missing in my life right now.  Even when I screw up terribly, it just doesn't bother me as much as it used to.  I think that I have stopped caring about a lot of things.  And why should I care?  I've cared too much my entire life, and it's gotten me nowhere.  Oh, sure, I do good in school.  I have most of the material possessions I could want.  Every day I succeed, but I fail at the same time.  Sorry, sorry.  I feel like I'm rambling.  I have it so bad.....no, other people have it worse than me.  I'm just being selfish.

Wish I was too dead to care...if indeed I cared at all.  Never had a voice to protest.. so you fed me shit to digest.  I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season.  For this, I gave up trying one good turn deserves my dying.  You don't need to bother; I don't need to be.  I'll just keep slipping farther.  But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds.  - "Bother" by Stone Sour

I don't know what I plan on updating this week.  Just keep an eye open.

-N

9/11/02

I can remember exactly one year ago this day.  It was a Tuesday, an easy day for me because I only had one class.  My day started just like any other.  I got up, ate breakfast, jumped in the shower, got dressed and then headed off for school.  I was running a little late this day though.  I didn't have as much gas in my car as I thought, so I had to make a stop by the gas station.  As I was filling up my car, I heard a man at the next pump exclaiming to a friend over his cell phone about the World Trade Center being hit by a plane as well as the Pentagon.  He said something about terrorists.  I don't know if it was shock or if I was just still partially asleep, but it never registered in my head what was happening.  I drove to school and went to my class like I normally would.   None of my classmates were really chatting away about school stuff though.  Everyone was talking about what was happening on the news.  Our teacher was in her office watching what was going on in CNN.  This is when things really started to sink in with me.  Our teacher came to the room and asked us if we wanted to have class or get out and go watch the news.  What do you think everyone's answer was?  I got in my car and checked my cell phone.  I had a message from my mom.  She basically was stating the obvious with what was happening.  I tuned into local radio stations as I made my thirty minute drive home.  I could hear patriotic songs in between news reports.  When I got home and turned on CNN, I was in shock.  I could have never actually believed or imagined anything like this happening during my lifetime.  When I saw the footage of the second plane crashing into the Trade Center, my jaw dropped.  It was almost as if I was watching some live action movie.  People were diving from the building's windows.  Then the Trade Center collapsed!  All of these things combined were equal to the most unbelievable, shocking experience of my entire life.  This was a moment that would be added to U.S. history books, and I was living through it.  I'm sure that many other people felt the same exact way I did that day.  

As days went by during that month, everyone was questioning themselves in different ways.  I remember television networks debating on what they could or couldn't show.  David Letterman reacted with sincere heart-felt emotion in place of his usual comedy.  I even went through my own personal self-questioning.  I reacted with a Spoutoff column just three days after the event on Smartassonian (my website at the time).  As I stated in that column, there were many different emotions that I was experiencing.  If anyone wants to see what I wrote at that time, you can check out the Smartassonian Archives 2.  I remember that it was hard to push on and be funny while everything was in such a serious nature.  I had a Personal Experience speech coming up for my Oral Communications class, but I just couldn't focus on the original humorous story that I was going to use.  Instead of what I had intended to talk about, my speech was about what transpired on 9/11, my own personal thoughts.  After all, it was a personal experience that I would never forget nor anyone else.  My speech came one point shy of a 100.  I just spoke about how I felt.  

Although 9/11 was a tragedy, it brought out the best in all Americans.  Our country was more unified than ever.  Heroes were defined by what police officers, fire fighters, and rescue workers were doing at Ground Zero.  Patriotism was instilled in every citizen.  It was the first time that the Red, White, and Blue ever really meant anything to me.  I wanted one of those flags that I could attach to my car as I drove.  I wanted everyone to know that I supported my country, I was proud of my country, I was damn proud to be an American.  Now we are one year later from this historic moment, and many of our thoughts from last year are resurfacing once again as we pay homage, respect, and grief to all those that lost their lives in the tragedy or those that tried to save lives during the chaos.  9/11, during the time period of all those who lived through it, will bring us all together and keep us unified.

As for what you should expect on the site today, I have added two new poems to the Sea of Poetry straight from the notebook of theenddecay.  I'm sorry if it seems like I'm jumping around with the poems.  I know that some of the poems are out of order with their dates, but I just felt like posting them when I did.  There will be a new Smartassonian Times which promises to be 10 times funnier than the last edition.  I think there may be a special guest dropping by.  As the many of you enjoy the updates, I hope that you will all take time to also try and support the red, white, and blue.  Thank you for reading.

-N

9/03/02

I lead a very sheltered existence on the Internet now.  I used to be very prominent.  I would always be on MSN Messenger or ICQ.  I would talk to anyone that was online.  I used email.  These things just don't appeal to me anymore.  The only time that I get on Messenger now is to just see if I have any new mail.  When I do connect, I immediately click my online status to appear offline nearly every time.  I just don't like talking on the net.  I used to think that talking via the net was an intimate experience.  You were able to really be yourself.  You could say anything you want and never worry about the consequences.  Then I pretty much got dumped twice over the net.  Needless to say, it soured my desire of talking to anyone by computer.  I like talking through my website because I'm never answered back (unless you email me, but that never happens).

I promised everyone last week that there would be updates.  Sure enough, there were updates galore.  My site has finally jump-started once again.  I'm not sure how many people have actually visited the site because I can't seem to get the damn counter working on the home page.  It doesn't matter though.  What can readers expect this week?  Well, tomorrow everyone can expect a brand new Smartassonian Times and possibly an update in the Sea of Poetry.  I started something new tonight, but I have yet to finish it.  This Friday there could possibly be a new DVD Nsider Review.  There is plenty to look forward to.  I don't really have much to say this week in the Realm.  Most of the things that I want to discuss will be mentioned in the other parts of this site.  I apologize for being short, but I'm tired and feel like sleeping.

-N

8/28/02

After two months and three days, The Nner Realm unleashes a brand new column.  Pretty sad, isn't it?  It takes two months and three days to just write a follow-up to the debut column.  I'm sure that many of you are thinking that there is no way that this site will stay updated.  What's the point of coming?  I know that's probably what some of you are thinking.  Another thing that I can only assume is that many of you are wondering why it took so long for the follow-up.  Where the hell have I been?

No more lies.  This time it's only the truth.  I said that I would use this column to give you the full behind the scenes look of this site and my life.  My life is pretty much what this entire site is.  During the past two months, I went through a lot of personal agony.  I suffered very much emotional stress that was brought on by the end of my one year and four month relationship with Megan.  I can't give an exact date for when it really ended because I don't know when.  For much of last month, I was unsure about what was really happening between Megan and I.  I do remember talking to her one morning before I went to work, and she told me that she still wanted to date me as well as other people.  I was okay with this because we had already come to an agreement over this during May.  I think Megan wanted to make the agreement more serious this day though.  She told me that she wouldn't be calling me as much anymore or seeing me as much.  I never really knew that this was a break-up because she never actually said that it was.  She was confused, and I was even more confused after that morning.  I tried swallowing my pain and going to work so that I could focus on something other than what I was thinking about, but I couldn't.  I just didn't know what could have brought about this major change between the two of us.  I placed much of the blame on myself, and most of it is still there today.  I know that a lot my actions most likely led to our relationship's demise.  She tried to argue that it had nothing to do with anything I did, but I think otherwise.  I let things turn too routine, and it drove us apart from each other.  Megan said the real reason was because that we were both going to different colleges.  I would be off in one place.  She would be off in another place.  She wouldn't be able to see me as much or talk to me as much.  She didn't want a serious boyfriend.  She was afraid of getting hurt if I was to meet someone else.  As things have turned out now, I'm still in Corinth just the same as I was before.  I drive to UNA everyday.  In fact, I decided to go to UNA at the last minute just so that I could be closer to her.  Oh, well, I'm not bitter about the way things turned out.  In fact, much of what she said made sense.  I had to accept that, and I can accept her reasoning still today.  As for the whole breaking up thing, I never did good with really accepting the truth.  I constantly heard from friends that Megan and I had broken up, and I said, "No, we haven't."  I never really realized that I was just humiliating myself.  I finally realized the truth one night when Megan and I had an argument over the phone, and she said that we had been broken up for a month and I needed to get over it.  I was shocked and out of my mind.  I had never felt so devastated.  Still we continued to see each other (although not as much as we used to) and continued talking over the phone.  When we did get together though, I would always ruin things.  I never meant to do it on purpose...I don't know why I did it...I still don't know what I was thinking.  I just felt so sad, and some of the sadness was mixed with anger.  Then one night after a fight, I promised Megan that I would make things better, and I would let go.

This pretty much brings us to the present.  I think I have done good in the past couple of weeks of letting go and moving on for Megan's sake as well as mine.  I've started dating again, but I'm skeptical about ever getting back into another relationship (at least, for the time being).  Dating is a new experience to me because I haven't really had much freedom since I was a senior in high school.  I went from Jill to Georgia to Megan with not much single time between any of the break-ups.  I thought I was in love three times.  I wasn't.  Jill wasn't love.  We both know that.  Georgia was more of a friendship kind of love because we never really developed into a strong boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Megan was...Megan was real love.  She was my true first love.  I think that's why it was so hard to let go and still try to this day.  But...we all should have faith.  We should take faith in the unknown, the uncertainty of life.  Megan always told me that if two people were meant to be together, then they would.  

In closing, I apologize to everyone that I may have scorned during my troubled time.  I never meant any disrespect to anyone.  Things were just hard for me.  I apologize to Megan for just not taking things the way they were or being myself, the guy she knew, the guy she loved.  And I just want to make clear that I hold no grudge or ill feelings toward Megan.  She wasn't wrong for what she did.  She was just protecting her feelings.  I want her to be happy.

Onto other things...I have returned from my temporary seclusion, and now you can finally start expecting more and more updates.  I want to update at least every day (yeah...I see that happening).  If I'm not able to do that, then I can promise a new update every Wednesday and Friday.  Sound good?  Do I even have any readers still left out there?  This week you can expect updates in the Sea of Poetry, The Nsider DVD Review, and possibly a new season of Smartassonian (Jwilly, I know you're loving that).  Hope you guys enjoy the updates.

-N

6/25/02

This is the Nner Realm.  I'm sure that the many of you visiting my site may be asking questions.  Why has the site formally known as Smartassonian gone through a re-haul?  I know that many people found Smartassonian to be very funny, but I grew tired of having to be funny all the time.  Then I decided to add a section to the old site that I thought would remedy my comedic fatigue which was the Sea of Poetry section that I wrote as theenddecay.  It helped out some, but I still was not cured.  It seemed as though I could not combine each one of my personalities successfully together on one site.  And so...I created N.  This is where I'll do whatever.  You'll never get just one side.

The purpose of the Nner Realm is to sort of give you a behind the scenes look at the real me, the creator of this entire funhouse.  I'll let you know what site updates to expect during the week or what not to expect.  I'll put real situations of my life, complete for you to see all in this section.  Plus, I'll answer questions that I often get asked after someone visits my site.  I guess this section will be kind of like scribbled notes that fill my head.  You'll find out all sorts of things, and they'll come out from nowhere.  I guess all I can say is to expect the unexpected.  Welcome to the Nner Realm.