After a few minutes, our tears began to slow down and I pulled away from Justin and placed a hand on either side of his face. I looked at him intently. Yes, I knew he was alive, that was obvious, but for some reason I desperately needed to see the proof again.

"You're alive. You're really alive," I whispered as I looked into his eyes and felt his warm skin beneath my fingertips.

Justin nodded, his tear-streaked face betraying no surprise at my choice of words. He brought his hands up and placed them over mine, but made no attempt to take my hands away from his face.

"It's so damn good to see you JC. So damn good to hear your voice. I missed you buddy." he said, his own voice thick with the tears he had so recently shed for me.

"He told me that they'd killed you. I believed him. He told me it was my fault. It was my fault. I'm so sorry Justin," I said as my hands dropped into my lap. I was aware that I wasn't really making sense and wondered if Justin would think I was crazy.

"JC, it's ok. I'm alive. I'm alright. Nothing is your fault," Justin said earnestly. He grabbed my hand in his.

"I thought that..." I trailed off, unable to say it again. Unable to explain to him that I had lived with the knowledge that he had been murdered because of me and that it had torn me apart.

"I know," he said kindly. "Lauren explained it to me. It's ok."

Lauren? But she didn't know everything either, how much could she have explained? I turned my head to look for her but she was no longer in the room.

I turned back towards Justin as he asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired...and sore. And scared, I'm so scared," I admitted as I settled back down on the bed. "I don't really know where I go from here. I've lost ten months of my life and I don't understand why. Why would someone want to hurt me so bad, Justin? What did I do?" I closed my eyes against the tears that were threatening to well up again.

Justin brought his other hand up and stroked my hair lightly. "You didn't do anything JC. The bastards who did this to you are nothing but sick fucks. You can't even try to figure out why monsters like that do the things they do. You can't." The venom in his voice surprised me and I looked up into his face. Although his touch on my head and hand were gentle, his face was a mask of hatred. I had never seen Justin hate anyone or anything before and I felt sad that he was experiencing this emotion because of me.

"Justin?" I asked.

His gaze softened at hearing my voice and he said, "Yeah buddy?"

"Did they ever catch them? You know, the ones that..." I trailed off.

Justin shook his head sadly and gave my hand a slight squeeze. "No, they haven't arrested anyone yet."

So they were still out there. The thought of that chilled me and I shivered involuntarily.

"Are you cold?" Justin asked as he stopped stroking my hair to look at me.

"No, I'm fine. Just a cold chill," I answered.

"Ok," Justin said as he continued to stroke my hair. Suddenly Justin tilted his arm and looked at his watch.

"You got somewhere to be?" I asked, slightly hurt. After all, he had been here all of 10 minutes and he was already dying to get out of here?

I immediately regretted my words when I saw a horrified expression cross Justin's face. He quickly said, "No, no of course not JC. Of course not. It's just that they told us we could only have a few minutes with you and my turn's up. The rest of the guys really want to see you."

"Oh, ok," I said as I released his hand.

Justin reached over and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "I love you JC. Keep getting better for me ok?" he said softly in a voice choked with emotion. He stood up and prepared to leave.

"Ok," I nodded. "Curly?" I asked before he could go anywhere.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what JC?" he asked.

"For being here," I said simply. For being my friend, for caring for me, for being alive.

He managed a smile before he walked out the door. "Always, JC. Always."

I spent the next thirty minutes seeing my friends again, one at a time in doses of 10 minutes each.

Lance, having always worn his emotions on his sleeve, was openly crying when he came into my room and placed his arms around me. I leaned into his embrace and simply whispered, "Lance." He held me tightly with one hand on my back while the other stroked my hair gently, and shed his tears on my shoulder. When he pulled away from me he did it slowly, almost reluctantly and said quietly, "Welcome back JC." It felt so good to hear the sound of his deep bass voice that I almost laughed. We talked for awhile, mostly him asking me how I was and me asking him the same. We didn't say anything really deep or meaningful, but it felt good just the same.

I repeated this emotional ritual with Chris and Joey. Chris embraced me gently as if I would break if he pressed too hard or touched me too much. Usually the first to find a joke in any situation, Chris stayed somber and relatively quiet the entire time he was with me.

Joey, on the other hand, gave me a bear hug that literally took my breath away. When I gasped for air, he quickly released me and apologized with a horrified expression on his face. I smiled to show him I was alright and he smiled back. He spent the rest of our time telling me stories about the music industry that actually made me laugh through my tears.

After Joey left, I lay in my bed exhausted. I was drained, both physically and emotionally. I didn't think I had any tears to shed at this point. My friends had completely worn me out, but it had been so worth it to see them; especially Justin. Just knowing that Justin was alright had brought some small measure of peace to my shattered soul.

I heard the door creak open and saw Lauren poke her head inside.

"May I come in?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

She walked up to the bed and sat down. "So, how do you feel after seeing your friends?" she asked.

"I'm wiped. I don't understand...it was so good to see them. I feel like I should be ecstatic, but I just feel kind of numb. Does that sound wierd?"

Lauren shook her head. "It's perfectly normal. You've had a lot to deal with in these past two days. Just think of it as emotional overload. The numbness will go away once you can rest."

"All I've been doing is resting," I heard myself ask in a slightly whiny tone. Where had that come from?

"And you need more," she replied. She smiled before she continued. "You're going to have a very busy day today. Would you like to know your itinerary?"

"Sure," I said.

"Well, Dr. Sandoval and your favorite nurse are going to be here in just a few minutes to finish the physical exam from yesterday." She winked when she said "favorite nurse" and I groaned. "Then, you and I will start therapy. And I just got word that your family will be arriving later tonight, so you'll get to see them. And somewhere in between all of that, you'll get the ng tube taken out and you'll get to rest."

I nodded my head slowly as I tried to take in everything she was telling me. Therapy would start today. That was supposed to be a good thing, but it only frightened me. Therapy meant talking about what had happened to me and that mean reliving it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to back to Mr. Voice and the white room. On the other hand, I was looking forward to seeing my family. Maybe once I saw that they were alive and unhurt I could finally begin to purge my mind of their torn and bloody bodies. I quickly closed my eyes as pictures of their mangled bodies sprang unbidden into my mind with alarming clarity.

"JC, is something wrong?" I heard Lauren's voice as if from a great distance and instantly the horrible pictures disintegrated and I found myself looking into her eyes.

"No, it's just that...you weren't kidding when you said it would be a busy day," I said shakily.

"I never kid," she said as she smiled. How did she manage to smile so much? "Before the doctor gets here I want to walk you through a technique that will help you deal with panic attacks. You ready?"

"Ready," I replied. I was ready for anything...