3 weeks later...             

I adjusted the controls on the hospital bed until I was in a comfortable seated position and tried to make myself be patient. It was not working. The guys had promised to come by later today with a "surprise" and I was anxious to know what it was. I picked up the remote control that was on the bedside table and began flipping throught the channels hoping to find something that would hold my interest. No such luck. Even as my eyes scanned the tv set, I found myself thinking back to the past three weeks and all that had happened.             

Physically I had improved. The ng tube and catheter had been taken out. I was eating normally again and had even managed to gain about 6 pounds. I had begun to walk again. I could manage a few steps by myself but mostly I had to use a walker and have someone close by to help me if I got weak.             

Mentally, I had improved also, I guess. I still had to fight down panic attacks and I still awoke to nightmares almost every night. I even managed to have two flashbacks, complete with kicking and screaming fits. One of them happened when the doctor touched me for an exam. The other happened when Joey placed his hand on my wrist while we were talking. That incident left me depressed for days. Rationally I knew my friend would never hurt me, but rational hadn't been a part of my world for so long. Lauren reassured me that everything I was going through was normal and that I was indeed healing; slowly but surely. I believed her because I so desperately wanted to.             

I also saw my family. I don't think they really understood why I kept touching their faces and hugging them so tightly but they never questioned, they just let me do it. Finally my mom took me in her arms and rocked me the way she used to when I was just a scared little kid and I felt at home.             

My attention came back to the here and now when I heard a knock at the door.             

"Come in," I called out.             

Justin poked his head into the room and smiled. "You ready for your surprise JC?" he asked slyly.             

"Are you kidding? I've been waiting all day. What is it?" I asked as I tried to look past Justin and into the hallway.             

Justin laughed. "Man, you are so impatient! Ok, just give us a sec," he said as his head disappeared back through the doorway.             

"You're nothing but a tease, Timberlake!" I yelled.             

I could hear laughter coming from the other side of the door at my comment. Suddenly the door opened fully and in walked Lance, Chris, Joey, and Justin. They were all wearing little party hats on their heads and Joey and Justin were carefully holding a huge cake between them with a bunch of lit candles on it.             

I looked on incredulously for a moment and then began to laugh. The sight of my four adult friends in those little pointy hats was just too much. I laughed even harder when they began to sing Happy Birthday. Here were four talented singers who now sounded like a bunch of off-key amateurs. I realized they were doing it on purpose when I saw the goofy smiles plastered across their faces. I laughed so loudly that I was drowning out the sounds of their singing, which was actually a good thing.             

Finally, I heard Justin say, "JC you dork. Make a wish and blow out these candles before we set the place on fire."             

I let the laughter wind down until I was left with only giggles and looked at the cake. It was now sitting on the table next to the bed. I took a deep breath and managed to blow out all the candles in one breath. The guys erupted into cheers at the sight. I took a little bow and shook my head as I smiled.             

"You guys, what in the world is going on here? What's this for?"             

They took a minute to find places to sit. For the first time since they entered the room they got somber and looked uncomfortable. It was Lance who finally spoke. "We thought that...ummm." He stopped and started again. "You missed your birthday when you were ummm..."             

"Catatonic?" I finished for him.             

Lance nodded. "Catatonic." He paused for a moment then continued, sounding more sure of himself. "The people that did this to you have taken so much from you JC. We just wanted to give you something back." He looked down at the ground then quickly brought his head back up to meet my eyes and smiled kindly. "Besides, no one should miss their birthday."             

My mind swam for a minute as I thought about Lance's words. "I'm 25?" I asked in a stunned voice.             

"Yeah JC, you're 25," said Joey in very soft voice. The others merely nodded.             

"I had forgotten all about that. I haven't even thought about it..." I trailed off into silence. No one in the room spoke as they waited for me to sort out my feelings.             

I took a few seconds to think about my reaction. I could either take this moment to brood about how I had missed turning 25 because of Mr. Voice and get all depressed, or I could enjoy the moment with my wonderful friends. I looked at their faces, so full of concern and love, and chose the latter. With a shake of my head, I pushed the unpleasant thoughts out of my head.             

"You guys are amazing, you know that?" I asked as I looked at them each in turn. "I'm so lucky to have friends like you." The tears started to well up in my eyes as I spoke.             

"Oh no, there's no crying at birthdays," Chris said with a smile as he himself wiped at his eyes.             

I laughed. Damn, it felt good to laugh like this! "I can't believe you guys did this," I said as I glanced at the gigantic cake.             

"But wait, there's more!" Chris said as he jumped up and walked out the door.             

I caught Justin's eye and looked at him questioningly. He shrugged his shoulders as he bit back a smile.             

When Chris came back in he was holding a huge bag over his shoulder. He set it down carefully on the floor and began to open it up.             

"What do you have there Santa?" I asked as I watched him in amusement.             

Chris stood up and held out a rectangular box covered with bright wrapping paper. "A birthday party isn't a birthday party without presents," he said as he set the box on the bed and proceeded to take out another and another and another. Pretty soon my hospital bed was filled with colorful boxes.             

"You guys are too much," I said, my voice thick and shaky with emotion.             

Justin, who was sitting right next to me in a hospital chair, took my hand and said, "We just wanted to show how much we love you JC."             

Joey nodded and echoed his sentiments, "We love you man."             

Probably because the moment was again getting very serious, Chris, in a slightly slurred and exaggerated voice, said, "Yeah, we love youuuuu maaaan!" This caused all of us to break out in laughter.             

We laughed even harder when Lance followed Chris' lead and said, "We love you man!" in his deep voice and southern accent.             

Over the next two hours we managed to finish off about a quarter of the cake and open all the presents and laugh and talk like girls at a slumber party. I cherished every minute of it. I was finally able to forget that I was a victim recovering in a hospital. I felt normal. I wondered if they knew that that was the best present that they had given me all day.             

The party started coming to an end when I began to yawn. The guys knew this all-too familiar sign well and began to get up and hug me goodbye. I watched as they started to put everything in bags and covered up the cake.             

"What are you going to do with the rest of that thing?" I asked as I pointed to the monstrosity that was the cake.             

"We thought we'd take it around, give some to your doctor and Lauren. Maybe even Nurse Beth," answered Joey as he winked.             

"Oh yeah, Nurse Ratchet will like all that sugar," I said as I tried to suppress another yawn.             

"Why don't you guys take care of that now?" Justin asked as he addressed Joey, Chris and Lance.             

"Sure Just," replied Joey without any hesistation or question as to why Justin wasn't joining them. The guys picked everything up and filed out the door, saying their goodbyes as they went.             

"Did you want to get me alone or something?" I asked him as he took a seat on my bed and focused on my face.             

"How'd you know?" He smiled a quick teasing smile, then abruptly let it drop from his face. "You're getting out of here in three days," he stated.             

"I know that." I answered.             

"That means that you won't have your own nurses to take care of you, a doctor and a therapist always within reach."             

"Yeah, but my mom is gonna come stay with me for a couple weeks." I wondered where Justin was going with this.             

Justin nodded. "But then she'll leave and you'll be alone right?"             

"Yeah, so?" I asked impatiently. What the hell?             

"No!" Justin said forcefully. "That's just it JC, you won't be alone. You're going to have your friends around you, friends that will do anything for you. All you have to do is ask."             

"Justin, what on earth are you talking about?" I asked as I shook my head.             

"I guess I just want to make sure that you lean on us if you need to. I know you JC, that Leo sign of yours makes you think you're stronger than you really are sometimes."             

I let a smile cross my face. Now, I understood. Justin saw the smile and touched my arm lightly. "Promise me that you'll let us help you if you need it," he said softly.             

I placed on hand on his and said, "I promise Just."             

"Are you ready for this JC?" he asked. I felt his hand grasp mine and felt his love for me through the contact.             

I replied with my mantra, the one I had been using to help me get through the exams and the therapy and the frightening nights.             

"Justin, I'm ready for anything..." And I truly felt that I was.

12 Months Later...             

I'm in my new home, sitting on my couch and looking out the window contentedly. I sold my first house and moved into this one about 6 months ago. It's not as big as the other one but it's nicer. Cozier. And despite it being smaller it's got vaulted ceilings and tons of windows to make it seem bigger than it is. This house is also safer. It's got a state of the art alarm system that includes panic buttons and safety rooms. Plus I've got Bubba and Sandy now. They are my two doberman pinschers. They serve a dual purpose; they're my friends to keep me company when I get lonely and they are attack dogs that will rip anyone to shreds that tries to hurt me.             

I got out of Westhaven about a month after I woke up. I discontinued my therapy with Lauren and refused to take the Prozac that the psychiatrist had prescribed for me. Just as Justin had predicted, I thought I had it all under control. No one, not even me, was surprised when I tried to kill myself about a month later. I tried to take the least physically painful way out, I had had enough pain in my life to last a lifetime, so I took a bottle of sleeping pills and washed them down with some whiskey. It was Chris that found me. He called 911 and they took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach. After that it was another three months at Westhaven for me. At the time I was angry that I hadn't been allowed to die. Soon enough however, I realized that I hadn't wanted to die, I had just wanted the pain to go away, and there's a big difference between the two. This time when I was released I continued to see Lauren on an outpatient basis and I took my Prozac.             

So, how am I now? I'm alright. I can't say that I'm 100% healed because I don't think that will ever happen. I still have nightmares. I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night, the fear thick in my mind. But I'm better because the nightmares don't come every night. For awhile the only way I could sleep was if all the lights were on in my room. Now I manage to fall asleep with just a nightlite. I still have occasional flashbacks that lead to panic attacks, although at least now I know how to control them. I still don't like being touched by anyone I don't know; especially men. I think the worst part for me is the fact that they never found the people who did this to me. Sometimes when I walk down the street, my fertile imagination turns every strange man into the goons or into Mr. Voice and it scares me to death.             

I see Justin, Chris, Joey and Lance at least once a week, sometimes all of us are together and sometimes just one on one. They are the best friends that any man could ever ask for and I cherish them. Of course, there is no longer an NSYNC as defined by the teenyboppers that loved us. They all have their solo careers and projects now. I myself have started writing music again. Justin keeps telling me how good my songs are and that I should record them. Maybe one day I will.             

I talk to my mother on the phone almost every day and almost everyday she tries to convince me to come home. I always tell her no. This is my home, no matter what, this is my home.             

Lauren tells me that one of these days I'll open my eyes and I'll truly be happy again. She says the hurt won't ever really go away, but that it will be pushed so far back that it will hardly matter anymore. I look forward to that day. In fact I fight for it and strive for it with every breath I take. After all, I'm Joshua Scott Chasez and I'm a survivor.