disclaimer: I'm no way affiliated with the TV show or network. This is a parody. Nothing is true.
Cops:
Winton, CA
12:47 am
"This has to be one of the hardest beats out there," Officer Kirkpatrick explained as he leisurely drove down a vacant dark street.
"Why is that?" a voice from behind the camera asked.
"Well, despite the small population here, the crime rate is very high. Last week we were called out to three different shootings," Officer Kirkpatrick answered.
"Yeah, and Charles Manson grew up here. His parents still live here," Officer Fatone added as he took a big bite from a donut.
"Stop it Fatone, that's not true," Officer Kirkpatrick scolded.
"Well, that's what everyone says," Officer Fatone argued as crumbs fell from his mouth.
"What made you guys want to become law enforcement officers?" the voice behind the camera asked.
"It had always been a dream of mine. I had always wanted to help people and with this job I get to help out every night in some way," Officer Kirkpatrick answered.
"That's such a bunch of crap. I became an officer because it was the only job out here that paid any good money and I didn't have to go through years of college for," Officer Fatone informed the interviewer.
"That's not true, Fatone, you love this job," Officer Kirkpatrick said in disbelief.
"Okay, well whatever," Officer Fatone replied as he took another huge bite from his donut.
A female voice bled through the car spouting off numbers. In response, Officer Kirkpatrick picked up the radio and replied with more jargon. When he had finished, he put down the radio and turned on the siren and lights.
"Ready for some excitement?" Officer Kirkpatrick asked the camera.
"You bet, what is it?" the camera voice asked.
"It's just a disturbance call," Officer Fatone answered as donut crumbs shot from his mouth.
"A disturbance call with possible assault and battery," Officer Kirkpatrick added excitedly as he stepped on the gas pedal.
"Slow down, Kirkpatrick, it's just a disturbance call. At least give me time to finish my jelly donut," Officer Fatone pleaded.
"You've already had four donuts tonight, Fatone. You better hurry up because we're almost there," Officer Kirkpatrick said taking a sharp left at full speed.
Fatone sighed deeply then took a large bite from his new donut. "Kids these days."
"Please Fatone, I'm older than you are," Officer Kirkpatrick reminded him.
"Oh, yeah," Officer Fatone said blankly.
The car rushed to a small run-down complex. When the car stopped Officer Kirkpatrick jumped out leaving the car running. Officer Fatone took his time as he struggled to remove his rounded body from the car, donut still firmly attached to his mouth.
"Come on, Fatone," Officer Kirkpatrick ordered.
"I'm coming," Officer Fatone answered as the donut disappeared into his mouth leaving only jelly on his mouth and shirt.
The commotion had been obvious. Two men were in the midst of physical violence as one was firmly attached to the other by a fistful of hair screaming at the top of his lungs. The other was bent down howling in pain. A third man sat contentedly in a rocking chair, beer in one hand and his jean clad crotch in the other.
Officer Kirkpatrick raced to the two men wailing on each other. He attempted to separate the two unsuccessfully by himself.
Officer Fatone made his way to the dispute somewhat out of breath. He proceeded to pick the smaller of the two men up, disconnecting them.
"Anyone care to explain what is going on here?" Officer Kirkpatrick asked as he held the taller man.
"He hit me, and pulled out my hair," the tall man screamed pointing to the the other man's fist full of long brown hair.
"You slut!" the other man screeched.
"Okay, okay, one at a time, what's your name?" Officer Kirkpatrick asked.
"JC," the man answered almost in tears.
"Where do you live, JC?"
"Next door," JC sniffed pulling at his tight jogging shorts.
"What happened in your own words," the officer asked.
"He slept with my man!" the little man screamed as Officer Fatone held him back from attacking once more.
"I'll get to you in a moment. Now JC, what happened," Officer Kirkpatrick instructed.
"I don't know really. I was outside talking over the fence to Justin and next thing I know this, this maniac jumped on me accusing me of sleeping with his boyfriend and hitting me."
"You two-ba bitch!" the little one screamed again.
"If you speak again before I ask you a question, I'll sick my partner on you," Officer Kirkpatrick warned.
The little man looked up to the large officer holding his bathrobe. He decided he should behave for now.
"Where is this Justin character now?" Kirkpatrick questioned.
"Over there," JC pointed to the man observing the action from the porch. "Aww.. man, you tore my silk shirt," JC continued as he pulled at the ripped orange material.
Officer Kirkpatrick turned towards the house and saw a man in dirty jeans and wifebeater had just entered the screen door of the house.
"Okay, Fatone, will you bring that one out of the house while I take this one's report?" Kirkpatrick said more as an order than a request.
"Okay," Officer Fatone answered dumbly.
"JC you stay right there, if you move I'll have to put you in cuffs," Kirkpatrick warned, then turned to the little man. "Your name."
"Lance, and I live here with Justin. He's my man. We're in love, or at least we were until this man whore moved in next door."
"Please try to restrain yourself from name calling and stick to the point," Kirkpatrick ordered.
"Fine, we were happy until HE moved in. He's been flirting with him every night when I take a bath. He doesn't think I know, but tonight I pretended to take a bath then snuck out the window. When I got out front there they were all flirting, so I told him to leave us alone. He told me to, excuse my french, but to 'fuck off' so we started yelling."
"Okay, and who threw the first punch?"
"He did," Lance said meekly pulling his silk kimono over his partially exposed chest.
"I did not, you liar," JC argued.
"Okay, okay. you two settle down," Officer Kirkpatrick ordered. "Fatone, where's the other guy?"
"He refuses to come out," Fatone yelled back looking bewildered, wondering what he should do next.
"Fine," Kirkpatrick sighed. "Now, you two aren't under arrest, but I'm going to put these cuffs on you just to make sure you don't hurt each other," Kirkpatrick continued as he began to cuff Lance.
After he had cuffed JC, Officer Kirkpatrick left both suspects against the squad car and made his way to the house. Officer Fatone still blankly stared at the screen door.
"Did you try opening it?" Officer Kirkpatrick asked.
"No, he said not to come in."
Officer Kirkpatrick rolled his eyes and prepared to pull his gun from its holster as he opened the screen door slowly. "Justin? I'm Officer Kirkpatrick and I'm coming in."
"No, stay there, you pig," Justin shouted from inside.
"I'm coming in, we just want to talk," Officer Kirkpatrick replied as he opened the door completely.
"No, stay away," Justin shouted as he jumped from behind a wall pointing a shotgun at the two officers.
"Justin, put the gun down. All we want to do is talk and to see what is going on here," Kirkpatrick answered.
"You want to know what's going on? I live with a fucking bitch. All he wants to do is fuck all the time. He won't leave me alone."
"That doesn't sound bad," Officer Fatone replied.
"Fatone, please," Officer Kirkpatrick warned.
"Oh, sorry, didn't realize that was the outloud voice," Officer Fatone answered.
"Well, it wouldn't be so bad if all he wanted was just a hot fuck, but he's into the freaky shit. He wants to be tied up, he wants me to pee on him, shit like that," Justin shouted.
"Oh, ew. Uhm, have you tried talking to him?" Officer Kirkpatrick said.
"YES! Of course I have. He won't listen, he says I don't care. So yeah, I talked to JC, but come on, I'm being smothered over here, "Justin yelled, the gun still pointed directly at the two officers.
"Look Justin, we can help, but you have to put down the gun," Officer Kirkpatrick tried to negotiated.
"No, because you'll just let him back in here. I'd rather go to jail," Justin screamed pulling the trigger of the shotgun.
Officer Kirkpatrick jumped from the way of the shot and rebounded in time to get up and grab the gun from Justin before another shot could be fired. The two men struggled, forcing Officer Kirkpatrick to shove the butt of the gun into Justin's face, knocking him to the ground.
Justin was overpowered and handcuffed by Officer Kirkpatrick quickly. The officer then turned to his partner to find him on the floor on his back. He rushed to his injured co-worker to find him unconscious, with blood around the shotgun pellets in his chest.
"Fatone, wake up!" Officer Kirkpatrick ordered. The uncoscious man slowly awoke. "Chris?"
"Joey, is it bad, man. Are you okay?"
"Oh man, that knocked me off my ass," Officer Fatone replied getting to his feet.
"You're okay? I thought you were shot," Officer Kirkpatrick asked, amazed to see his partner was ok enough to dust himself off.
"No, man, I'm okay. Thank god for bullet-proof vests ,let me tell you."
"But you're bleeding,."
"That's not blood, silly, it's jelly from my donut."
"Dumbass, you scared me," Kirkpatrick replied, upset.
"Aww. Were you worried?"
"Yes, okay, are you happy?"
"Show me how worried you were tonight?" Fatone whispered to Kirkpatrick.
Kirkpatrick pushed his partner aside and picked up Justin from the floor. "Come on, Fatone, we have to get the other two."
The two officers walked out of the house to find the two men they had left outside were on the lawn in the midst of heavy kissing.
"Well, I guess they resolved that," Officer Fatone joked.
Officer Kirkpatrick put Justin in the back of the squad car and returned to the two men still rolling in the grass.
"JC, do you want to press charges?" Kirkpatrick asked.
"No, I wanna press my dick into him," JC answered.
"Lance, do you want to press charges?" Kirkpatrick asked again.
"No," Lance smiled as his kimono slipped to reveal the nakedness underneath.
"Fine," Kirkpatrick replied as he took off the handcuffs then returned to the car.
The two cops left the two new lovers behind in the front yard, as Justin sat quietly in the back of the squad car.
"That's what I refer to as a good call. Everyone won. Justin gets away from the psycho lover, the two disputers find peace in each other. You can't ask for more than that, can you, Kirkpatrick," Officer Fatone smiled at the camera.
"Have another donut Fatone," Kirkpatrick huffed.