“I… I don’t know what to do anymore, Rosey.” His voice dropped, as his eyes closed tightly. His chest rose and fell as he took a deep breath, his fingers fidgeting in his hair. “I. I just don’t know, what to do…” he repeated. He gulped. This was hard. Harder and more painful than he would have imagined it to be. She shook her head, scratching her arm as she looked down.
She blinked back the tears, biting her lip. She hadn’t thought things would be winding to where they were right now. Twelve years of friendship… for this? the question lurked in her head as she shrugged at his looming figure. “I don’t know either, Josh… I don’t know…”
”Class, we have a new student in our GATE classes. Her name’s Rosey Cinders. Rosey?” Ms. Henderson asked turning around and extending her hand out to a small girl crouched behind her legs. The young girl held onto her hand and walked out to stand in front of the teacher only coming up to about her shoulder. “Where are you from?”
The little girl choked, eyes roaming the room. “I’m… I’m from Phoenix. My Daddy’s a marine, so we just got stationed here.” She gasped.
“Oh that’s wonderful. Since you’re new, how about you go sit over there by Joshua, he’s a few years older than you are but he’ll take good care of you. Right, Mr. Chasez?” Ms. Henderson asked.
A tall boy, about twelve stood up and nodded, slowly. Rosey looked at the teacher conspicuously before nodding, and walking to the middle of the room to sit next to the boy. He smiled at her wanly. He extended his hand out. “I’m Joshua, but you can call me, JC. Everyone does.”
“I’m Rosey.”
“Nice to meet you.”
Ms. Henderson clapped her hands quickly. “Rosey, how about we get you started off with some spiral patterns to warm up your head while I talk to Mr. Chasez for a moment.”
The small brunette nodded solemnly and got up heading to the front of the classroom to collect her supplies while Ms. Henderson moved towards Joshua. She squatted down and smiled, genuinely at him. “Josh, she’s special. I want you to take care of her, she’s younger than the rest of you, so I trust you’ll make her feel at home with us, is that fine?”
“Yes, Ms. Henderson. I’ll be super special to her.” He smiled. The young woman nodded and walked back. Rosey sighed as she took her seat next to Joshua again.
“You don’t have to be nice to me if you don’t want to.” She whispered, sullenly. He shook his head; the aqua colored pools in his eyes sparkling.
“I want to, okay? I’m in fifth grade and my Mom always told me to be nice to other people, and Ms. Henderson wants me to be extra nice to you so I will be. Only if you agree, deal?”
She smirked and shrugged. “Okay, but you don’t HAVE to. Most boys are mean.”
“Most boys are, but I’m older than you Rosey, and nicer than them. So don’t worry about anything, I’ll make sure no one does anything bad to you while you’re here.”
“I love her, Rosey. You know I do.” He whispered, wringing his hands nervously, before sighing again. He looked at the floor as his feet brushed back and forth against the cement floor. “I don’t think I can live without her but…” he saw the pain she was going through her hearing him. He didn’t want her to hurt, not after everything they had been through. The only woman in his life who had stuck around long enough to love him in the way that would always be there, unconditionally without any doubts. And here he was hurting her. “Roe, she can never be you. You’re my best friend… it’s just that…”
She shook her head slowly, sighing. “I know you love her, Josh. I love Lance but…” she trailed off and looked at her shoes, taking a deep breath. “Is a friendship we’ve built over twelve years worth losing because of all of this? I’ve been asking myself this for the past few days…” Rosey looked up, her face softening into a hurt expression. “I don’t want to lose you after this… you’re… you’re my hero, since the beginning.”
”Rosey Marie Cinders! Get your butt over here little girl!” Mrs. Cinders yelled. Rosey winced and looked at Josh, her eyes full of fear as she hid beneath her bed, biting her lip.
“Josh, she’s going to whip me!” the twelve-year-old hissed.
He chewed on his lip silently. “I’ll tell her it was me, it won’t hurt me if she whips me because I’m older than you, Roe-Roe.”
“You will?”
“You’re scared of her hitting you, Rosey. I won’t let your Mama hit you, if you’re scared. She thinks you broke her vase, I’ll tell her it was me and then she’ll just yell and throw a tantrum.” He offered.
“ROSEY MARIE CINDERS! GET DOWN HERE NOW!”
She gulped. “I’m sorry, Josh. But you don’t know how hard my Mama hits me sometimes, you’re fifteen, it won’t hurt you, but you don’t deserve it, if it was me who broke it.” she began to climb out from under the bed, her trembling steadying.
Josh leaned forward to touch her cheek. “It’s okay, believe me. I told Ms. Henderson I would take care of you, and it’s been three years and I will.”
“Roe, it shouldn’t have happened…” his facial features softened as much as they could against his chiseled features. He closed his eyes, reaching blindly for her hands as he put them to his heart, tapping her fingers against his beats, rhythmically, he tried holding the tears in his own eyes back. “You are, my heart and my soul… you created me and made me a better man, Rosey, it’s just that…” he opened his eyes up again and looked at her blue eyes, sighing. “After everything, I want to protect you like I always have… and what happened last night…” he swallowed hard. “Shouldn’t have happened.”
“I know that Josh. It’s just that…after this.” she pulled her hand away and placed it on top of her heart. “Things will never be the same. Ever again.” Her fingers began tapping against her own heart, and she licked her lips. “And this poor heart that has always had you, as a best friend, as a human, as a soul mate, will never EVER be able to see that fire in your eyes again…” she took a deep breath. “Never ever be able to look at you the same way…” She beat her fingers against her chest once last time. “And you will never EVER be able to protect me when I need that protection.”
She didn’t know why she was crying. It was written in stone that you were never supposed to cry over a guy dumping you unless you were in love with him. Rosey knew she wasn’t in love with him, yet why was she hurting so badly? She swiped at the tears as she leaned back against the locker doors behind her, for support. The bell was about to ring for class to end and from experience she knew Josh would be coming out of his American Lit class to hand in the attendance. She didn’t want him to see her like this. No.
The door in front of her opened as the tall, lean man walked out his eyes falling on his best friend, with sympathy and shock. “What happened, Roe-Roe?”
“Nothing happened.” She lied, knowing he would see through her lies.
“Don’t tell me that, I’ve known you a long time and you never EVER cry without reason, either way you’re eyes are red. WHAT HAPPENED?”
She shrugged. “Michael broke up with me.” She said flatly, smirking. “Said, he didn’t want to go out with me if I didn’t want to give him what everyone else’s girlfriends were giving their boyfriends. He said he was sick of just kissing and wanted to dome rough, I said no, so he said, bye.”
“He had the NEVER to tell you that? Son of bitch…” he trailed off and looked around him, before casting his eyes on the younger brunette. He placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her forehead. “He’ll pay for this you hear me? He’ll regret messing with my Rosey.”
“Josh, don’t do anything, please.”
“No, I will do something about it. The world is going to know what kind of a jackass he was for playing with you, and just leaving you like nothing. Not to my Roe-Roe. No, not to you.” He stammered, looking her straight in the eye and kissing the temple of her head again.
“Don’t worry about a thing, Josh is going to make sure everything will be fine.”
He shoved him against the lockers, making them slam with a metallic blast as Michael’s relatively tall body smacked against them roughly. JC held him by the collar, his face inches away from Michael’s, his breathing was gruff and heavy, his eyes flashing warning to everyone around him. “Who the hell do you think you are?” he asked.
“JC, why are you acting like this?” the male asked.
“Why? Does the name Rosey mean ANYTHING to you?”
Michael nodded, nervously. “Yeah, she was my girlfriend.”
“Well she’s my best friend, you dickhead. She told me what you told her.” He held him against the locker rougher, shifting on his feet to take the other man’s weight too. “I would beat the crap out of you so hard you would regret the day you ever dated her. But.” he turned to look at the circle of people around him, and he shook his head laughing. “You aren’t worth it. Not my waste of energy and not her tears.”
He shoved him against the lockers one last time before stepping back and growling, fiercely. “Keep this in mind. You hurt her, you get my fist in return.”
“You don’t need my protection or guidance anymore, Rosey.” He looked up at her, shaking his head slowly. “You’ve grown up…” he didn’t want to say it but he did. “You have Lance now, you can rely on him through whatever will happen in the future…”
She sucked in her breath fiercely, as the tears that were welling in her eyes splayed down her face, her cheeks turning a soft pink, her hands balled into fists. “You don’t know that, Josh! I NEED YOU! I always have!” she was crying out. She knew she couldn’t lose him, she didn’t want to lose him, but he was slipping away. Her best friend of twelve years was slipping away because of what one night could do. “If it wouldn’t have been for you, I wouldn’t be here! Do you THINK I COULD HAVE PUT UP WITH LIFE SO LONG WITHOUT YOU THERE? NO!!” she leaned forward as the tears began streaming down her eyes, choking.
Her sobs lowered as she looked at him, spitefully. “I would have given up…”
He was gone. He left her for his music, but she couldn’t hate him. No. She hated herself for not going with him. He had asked her to and she had said no. Why? The reason still lurked in her head. She didn’t have a reason; there was nothing she could look forward to here in Maryland. Her family? They were there but it wouldn’t have mattered if she would have stayed or gone. She didn’t have any friends besides him; somehow over the past few years she had pushed them away. Now she was sixteen, and alone. Her best friend gone to make more sense of the dream in his heart.
At least his dreams were coming true.
She looked at the switchblade knife on the restroom counter giving it a side-glance. She weighed her options. No one would miss her if she went for it, maybe just Josh, but with everything going on in his life at the moment she wasn’t even sure if he’d realize she was gone. He hadn’t even called in the past two weeks; his last call had him claiming he was putting a band together. His life was picking up. Hers was just there.
Rosey reached for it, as she but her lip, her hand trembling as she wrapped her slender fingers around it and winced, the blade cutting into her sensitive flesh by accident. With each passing moment she found more reason to want to reach for it and slide it across her veins, letting the bloody pool lay across her life less body. The thought was cynical and scary, she found herself laughing. She swallowed and licked at her dry lips again. She looked at the palm of her hand and swallowed. He wouldn’t miss her, would he?
The phone rang.
She looked at it conspicuously, lying on her lap and she put the switchblade on the floor next to her, answering it. “Hello?”
“Roe-Roe? It’s Josh.”
She couldn’t answer. She didn’t want to.
“Look Rosey, I’m sorry if you’re mad. It’s just that with MMC ending it’s been hectic around here. That’s why I haven’t called you. Justin had this weird idea to start a group so we’ve been talking about it a lot. I’m sorry, I really am.”
No answer.
“Rosey? PLEASE, don’t be like this. I’m sorry, you know I am. I really didn’t mean for it to be so long since I called you. Forgive me?” He paused, hearing sniffles over the line.
“It’s okay Josh, I thought you just found someone else to be your best friend, and you just brushed me aside.”
He snickered. “I could NEVER do that to you. I’ll always love you like my little sidekick remember that.”
“I’m not saying give up on me, and how much I love you, Roe. Because I can never give that piece of my heart away, it’s just that…” he trailed off, and placed his index finger on her chin, making her beautiful blues look at him. “What happened last night, you and me, shouldn’t have. And how you’ve been acting, so responsively makes me think you let go, and you’re growing up.” He air kissed her, smiling gently. “You’re stronger than you believe you are.”
She shook her head, her eyes confused and scared. “Not without you, Josh.”
“Yes without me. Twelve years of friendship for today, Rosey.” He sighed, wanly, continuing. “It was bound to happen… although we didn’t mean for it to…” he shook his head at himself. “It shouldn’t have happened, but it did…” he looked back up at her, and brushed a strand of light brown hair out of her face. “It’s… it’s time for both of us to let go.”
“I don’t want to though, Josh.”
“We have to though, Roe. Last night changed everything, and we’re both here. Standing outside my apartment building trying to figure out what our sleeping together is meaning and how it’s changing our lives and…” he bit his lip, hoping the next few words wouldn’t cause as much damage as he knew they probably would. “It’s made us see, this… this love and friendship, could not work in later times… because, what if it happens again? We can’t let it…”
”I’m never EVER going to lose my virginity again!” Rosey exclaimed placing a hand on her stomach and groaning as she flopped down on top of JC’s couch.
He gave her a funny look and smiled, as he maneuvered himself away from the kitchen and into the living room. “So you finally went through with it, huh? James got the best of you…”
“Oh shut up. I’m 19, Josh… “
“It’s JC now, keep that in mind, Roe.”
“You’re still my Josh. Either way, At least I waited till now instead of with Michael, ughhh… I still can’t believe I used to date that boy, what was I THINKING?” she asked, shaking her head and giggling.
“You were thinking he was a dickhead after he wanted you to have sex with him and you told him no. Remember hat? I threatened him, some big bad bully JC…”
Rosey rolled her eyes. “You a big bad bully? I don’t think so; you’re the nicest guy, Josh. Because you’re my best friend, Josh. Which entitles you to be my protector, my best friend, my companion and life time soul mate.”
“Soul mate? Whoa hoooo, girl. I think you’re right though. Best friends that are soul mates and nothing else, right?”
She nodded. “Right.”
“Twelve years down the drain, Josh? Twelve years for one night?” she swiped at her nose and shook her head. “I regret it now…” he nodded.
“I do too… but if anyone found out…”
“That’d be bad.” They said in unison.
Rosey took a step back and closed her eyes, painfully, and took another swallow. “So this is the end? All these years are coming to a close? Just like that?”
“Yeah, twelve years…” he responded, sighing.
“Twelve years…” she mumbled.
JC held his hand to his heart again and tapped his fingers against it. “If you need anything, you know. later on… let em know how you are.”
“Yeah, you just can’t flush away, twelve years like nothing…”
“Nope, you can’t.”
She nodded and began to walk away from him. She couldn’t understand why she was letting herself lose him so easily, twelve years down the drain because of one night. Why she wasn’t on her hands and knees begging him to forget the night before. But something inside of her beat, probably her heart beating with his at that moment and they both had a mutual agreement.
You just can’t flush twelve years of friendship down the drain… can you?