September 19 2000
Is Britney Still Pure? Nobody knows but Jesus.
September 13 2000
Rampant music piracy may hurt musicians less than they fear. The real threat -- to listeners and, conceivably, democracy itself -- is the music industry's reaction to it.
September 10 2000
September 8 2000
Oh, the art of sarcasm. It's a great way to express your opinion, or disagree with someone elses.
Some people, (we all know who I'm talking about) can't seem to use sarcasm the right way. For example:
Me: Hi what's up?
Certain Unnameble Friend: Nothing. *weird look*
Me: Ok.
CUF:I'm just JOKING!
What's up with that?
Yet another example:
Me: Hi
CUF: Don't you fucking start with me, bitch.
Me: (turning away) Whatever.
CUF: I'm just JOKING!
Get a clue, dude.
September 5 2000
If you go down to Guanajuato Mexico you can visit
a rather macabre museum stocked in its entirety with corpses.
These are the famous "Momias De Guanajuato." For one reason or
another the mineral content of the local soil is such that corpses buried
in it often mummify. Cemetery plots there are sold for five year spans. If,
after the five years your family chooses not to buy another five years, you
are exhumed and, if suitably preserved, placed on display for all the world
to see. Its rather gruesome really. After some time the lower jaw drops
back and the corpse assumes a permanent "death scream." Also, body
hair and fingernails continue to grow for some time after death. All the
male corpses have stubble on their faces. The museum also boasts of
several "world records" (though I'm not sure if Guinness has actually
checked these out) such as having the youngest mummy on earth: a six
month old fetus that was buried along with its deceased mother and later
removed. In earlier years the mummies were simply placed against the
walls of the museum out in the open air. Now they are placed inside glass
cases and sarcophagi. Its been said (perhaps an UL) that this was done
because visitors to the museum would quite often snap off the fingers of
the mummies to take back home as a "memmento" of their trip. It is truly
"fun for the whole family" (and yes, tours of the museum tend to be family
affairs).
Anyways, according to the curators of said museum, occasionally a
person turns out to have been buried alive. This is at least suspected to
be the case when grave-diggers, upon exhuming yet another corpse to
add to the collection, discover scratch-marks on the inside lid of the
coffin. (The expression on the face of the mummie is no useful guide,
since, as I've already pointed out, they all *look* like they've been buried
alive.)
August 23 2000
As you probably all know, Twist is one of those stupid magazines for teenage girls.
I don't fit the Twist demo, of course, but the
not-very-subtly sexist content and gushing
bestest-girlfriend tone doesn't differ much from the
ditzy preps in my grade. Twist boils down to the assumption that
every girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen is a
halter-top-wearing, public-fart-fearing,
Rules-memorizing, sparkly-purse-carrying twit with no
interests outside of TRL, lip gloss, and turning her
sooooo-shiny hair into tentacles with which to trap a
boy. Sure, some girls in that age group really don't have
any interests outside of Carson and the Delia's catalog,
and I hardly spent my entire adolescence (which isn't quite over) with my nose
in an Ayn Rand paperback, pondering social change.
Still, an entire letters section devoted to tales of "like,
ohmigod, I completely farted in front of this complete
hunk that I totally have, like, a crush on, like,
completely!" woe seems excessive to me. What purpose
does it serve to share with the world the fact that a
fifteen-year-old in Toledo got her period without noticing
and stained the white pants she'd chosen to wear to
school that day, and all these way cute boys got grossed
out by her and called her "Bloody Mary" for the rest of
the year? Do we need further proof that high-school-age
kids tend to suffer from empathy deficiency? Should
other girls feel relieved that it didn't happen to them?
We all felt these embarrassments more acutely as
teenagers, but it's pretty telling that the vast majority of
incidents shared by Twist readers occurred in front of
attractive boys (and that very seldom does a Twist
reader bust out a snappy comeback to the subsequent
teasing).
But I have to say, I find Twist's perspective on summer
flings truly bizarre. Like a lot of other teen mags, Twist
seems to advocate acquiring a summertime sweetie
exactly one week after school lets out, doing the Grease
thing for three months, and then giving the boy a firm
but tearful boot no more than forty-eight hours after the
conclusion of Labor Day weekend. If I remember
correctly, Seventeen encouraged the same "summer
romance = white shoes" approach.
And then there's the "50 Things Guys Would Never Say"
article, which puts everything that grosses me out about
the genre into a two-page spread. Not to downplay the
inanity of the "What Your Dream Car Says About You"
feature, or the rampant overuse of the words "fave" and
"rad" throughout Twist, or the fact that the "Pump Up
Your Party Personality" piece functions as a primer on
how to talk to boys, how not to spill anything on
yourself in front of boys, blah dee blah, but the "50
Things" exposé manages to codify several dozen sexist
assumptions about both boys and girls, while implying
that girls should not only expect certain stereotypical
behavior from boys but should also learn to accept it
without complaint - and, from what I can tell, expecting
the readership to find the items on the list humorous
rather than exhausted and offensive. A few of the
lowlights:
"Want to hit the outlet mall this weekend?" Oh, I
see - shopping is for girls, and watching sports is for
boys. Buying clothes is for girls, and knowing about
cars is for boys. Taking an interest in one's appearance
is for girls, and barely tolerating a girly activity is for
boys. Whatever.
"If you want to date other guys too, that's cool"
with me." First of all, guys say this all the time, usually
in the service of freeing themselves up to date other
girls. Second of all, way to assume that a boy's default
setting is, or should be, "jealous and possessive." That's
really progressive. Not.
"Hey, that shirt looks really good with those
jeans." The message here: "Despite the fact that we've
recommended you spend hours prettifying yourself for
the benefit of boys, don't expect them to notice how you
look, or to compliment you on it, because boys don't do
that." The subtext: "…unless they're, y'know, gay or
whatever." Yuck, yuck, a thousand times yuck.
"So the point of this game is to get that big ball
in that little hoop?" Oh, for the love of Christ. Nobody
would ever say this, male or female.
Nothing pisses me off more than
hackneyed generalizations about the way we breasted
folks "should" behave, and that's why Twist sucks.
August 22 2000
Today's advice is:
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
August 17 2000
I've added a new page to Gooshi, but I need your feedback to know what to put there. Go there,Click here.
Please go there, it's quite interesting...MUWAHAHHAA!
August 14 2000
Poptart Monkeys rock!
August 13 2000
I am not a diplomatic person. My stubborn and intractable nature doesn't lend itself to the art of subtle negotiation. You won't find me on the international stage clicking glasses with dictators, fiddling with my headphones during United Nations proceedings, or inadvertently giving away Poland after a bad bowl of borscht.
Although the point of this entry will probably remain unknown...read it anyway.
As an Internet pundit
known to be on the cutting
edge of the cutting edge
(ouch! that's sharp!), I
suppose I can't completely
ignore the phenomenon
known as New Media (I tried
hiding under the covers but
I eventually ran out of
crackers and flashlight
batteries). Not that I object
to technological innovation;
I like the idea that my words
can be read by people all
over the world at any time of
the day or night (a special
hello to my Polynesian
friends with insomnia!). Yet I
dread the day the printed
word is finally rendered
completely obsolete by
interactive broadband
digital communication. It's
so much easier to throw a
book at criminals.
The big talk these days is of
convergence: will television,
the Internet, DVD, and
video games join together to
create a giant, breathtaking
Uber-Media, or just a super
shovelful of crap? Is the
paradigm shifting, or do I
just need a new
prescription for my contacts?
And how will these
developments affect
copyright law, privacy rights,
and lame home pages
featuring way too many
pictures of someone's cat?
Sure, new media is sexy,
flashy, and more lively than
a stone tablet, but what the
bright-eyed and
demon-spawned high-tech
cheerleaders leave out is
the fact that in many ways
the New Media is exactly
like the Old Media. So be on
the lookout for these
perpetual truths:
1. Most of what's out there
is crap.
2. While individuals do
things for any number of
reasons, companies just
want to make money.
Corporate-sponsored Web
sites are nothing more than
used-car lots without the
flags. Pop-up ads? Those
are the flags.
3. When some google-eyed
caffeine freak is trying to
convince you that working
for his dot-com company
will be great because of the
80-hour weeks, remember
the First Law of Glamour
Jobs: the president of the
company always makes at
least a hundred times more
than the guy in the
mailroom. And goes home
early on Fridays.
4. Most of what's out there
is crap.
5. The less valuable a job is
to society, the more
complicated the words used
to describe it. Why say
"getting people to watch"
when "aggregating eyeballs"
is so much more
jargonlicious?
6. New or Old, remember
that you can't spell "media"
without a bunch of the
letters from "mediocre," plus
an "a."
7. Most of what's out there
is crap.
8. And most important:
Whether the media is
streaming or static, you can
turn it off.
August 15 2000.
Today I shall dazle you with my skills as a critic, as we review the
Billboard Charts.
The Billboard Hot 100 (sample, of course)
1. Sisqo-Incomplete.
Have I been living in a box? I haven't heard this yet. I can only hope it is
as good as Thong Song. *sigh*
2. Matchbox Twenty-Bent.
I hate this song. It just really sucks.
3. Destiny's Child-Jumpin' Jumpin'
I like this one, it has a good beat and the video is cool.
4. N'Sync-It's gonna be me.
Why can't N'sync just die? The world would be much better of without
them running around looking like dolls.
5. Janet Jackson-Doesn't really matter.
This song was good the first three times I heard it, then it started
getting annoying.
6.Aliyah-Try Again.
I like the movie this song is from, I'll give it that much.
7. Nine Days-Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)
I admit it. I like this song. Make that liked this song. But it's been
around too long. I remember hearing it before school was even out. It's
time for Nine Days to go.
8. Joe-I wanna know.
The only reason this song is on the charts is because he sang that song
with Mariah Carey. I don't think the guy can even sing that well anyway.
9. Vertical Horizen-Everything you want.
This song is good. That's all I have to say.
10. Ruff Endz-No More.
Who the hell is Ruff Endz? I bet they suck.
11. LeAnn Rimes-I need you.
I wish LeeAnn would go to that place N'Sync is gonna end up.
12. Creed-Higher.
I like Creed, but this song is just annoying.
13. Toni Braxton-He wasn't man enough.
Toni Braxton was cool...like 4 years ago. Not anymore. It's kinda Ironic
how she sounds like a man when she sings this song though, isn't it?
14. 3 Doors Down-Kryptonite.
I'm soooooo sick of hearing this damn song every time I turn on the
radio! I'd rather be locked in a tomb with Britney Spears than listen to
that crap.
15. Nelly-Country Grammer.
I love this song, it's just really good, even though I don't like rap that
much.
16. Jagged Edge-Let's Get Married.
I have never heard of them or their song. It sounds like some cheap-ass
wedding song that will be played at cheap-ass weddings.
17. BBmak-Back Here.
Dear BBmak,
I hate you. I hate your song. I hate the name of you. You make me sick.
No Love,
C.
18. Sting-Desert Rose.
Sting should Follow N'Sync to hell, where he belongs.
19. Next-Wifey.
What?
20. Pink-There you go.
I liked this song when it first came out and nobody knew what it was
now that it's all big and the radio stations play it all the time I hate it.
21. Jessica Simpson-I think i'm in love with you.
I can say only: GO SHELL! Othewise, the song sucks.
22. Faith Hill-Breath.
She sounds like LeAnn Rimes. Go to hell, Faith Hill.
23. Madonna-Music.
Maddona should go back to being a mother. She's pregnet again, you
know.
24. Everclear-Wonderful.
If Everclear was cool again, everything would be wonderful now.
25. Marc Anthony-You sang to me.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
And so wraps up our little voyage in to the world of critism. A joyous
world it is. (If you don't like my opinions, don't read this page.)
Hey! Submit crap! Now YOU too can be on Gooshi!
August 9 2000
Yet another grueling day of band camp has passed. Joy. I am so tired
I literally want to hack off my legs.
literally.
Anyway, Lunchables rock! So does MandaLynn with her water guns! Damn majorettes get so pissy when they get wet...what a shame.
Ok that's all for now their may be another entry posted today, but, maybe not.
August 8 2000
One word.
Well, really two words...
Band Camp.
Hoi Hoi Hoi. That's early. Damn that's early.
All we do there is get in our little lines (I'm by Amanda Syzdek and Jillian Roberts...which sucks.)Then we march up the field, Yippity Do Daw Day. Oh the fun I have. I like break hour best...we get to eat.
8:30am, i bet your still sleeping. I, on the other hand, am marching around a dirty, wet field.
But it's not THAT bad, i guess. Oh well, I don't care I, I have weekends off :).
August 4 2000
My Head hurts.......Hhhhhuuuuuuuuurrrrllllllllllllll. Why is everything spinning? Hhhuuuuuurrrrlllllllll.
August 3 2000
Well goodmorning everyone. At this point I realize no one is going to see this in the morning, I shrug it off and continue typing.
I'm actually up at 8:51 am. I'm proud of me, are you? Good then. I had to get up early anyway, to go school shopping(cringes and checks date. 3rd. 3rd. 3rd. still a whole month. still safe.) I don't mind the shopping so much as the trying things on. i HATE that.
Hey did you hear that our dear little school is buying that crappy ass factory that's by the "educational complex"- as they've taken to calling it. Great! just what this school district needs right? Yet another crappy, half falling down, older then the oldest resident building. Just what every parent wants to send their child[ren] to, right? Ok, so I'm not the only one who thinks that's stupid.
I'll write a little skit to help prove my already obvious point...
5th grader who is just starting at "Hell on the Hill":Mommy, Mommy! They have rats in that horrible old building!
Mother: Why, that's terrible, honey. I'm going to call the board of health rght now!
5th grader: NO! Don't do that!
Mother: Well, why not?
5th grader: The rat said he'd help me on tests if I give him half my lunch.
Mother: Oh, as long as it's a good reason.
**Did I mention that the 5th gradder is a bit of a prima donna?**
And so starts the much regretted "Human-Rodent Alliance." As the years pass, the rats and mice that infest MAIS become more respected.
Then the rats even start being allowed to eat with the students and soon enough, they not only go to school to eat, but to learn.
Isn't that creepy? Well it's what's going to happen if the school district doesn't build a NEW building instead of buying an already crappy-assed ex-factory. So write to the school board, tell them you hate the thought of your precious children going into that horrible building to learn.
(Especially since I'll end up going there for Freshman year-that is if they actually buy it and not just say they will.)
Does anyone remember in the school year 97-98 how Mr. Murtin promised that the fifth grade class (that's me) would be in a new building by the time we finished 7th grade? I'm going into 8th grade now...where's the damn school, Mr. Murtin? Mr. Murtin sure doesn't know! Ok I'll be out of that hell hole of a school in 1 year, Then I'll be in the cleaner and better kept school. I'm tired of typing now. Buh Bye.
August 2 2000
I can't believe Bush is going to choose Dick Cheney
for his running mate. I can only laugh in advance
for the months, if not years of jokes about
"Bush and Dick."
Ok, for those of you who don't know what a guestbook is so I'll explain it:
A guestbook is what you sign to say you were at the page and you leave a breif comment.
You do NOT say your name is "Penis" and give instructions for guys to "Keep it up."
So please use your real name. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Penis, (whoever you are) shut the hell up.
Hey look:
