The Archives...

Muwahahhahaha.

July 13 2000

hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi.

I don't care if you do wanna read more. I'm too damn lazy to write a full entry.

July 12 2000

Yeah, this is a half assed entry. hell, it's not even half assed, it's like quarter assed.

July 11 2000

I got an award! I got an award! Naa na naa na naa naaa!

I would like to thank W for creating this beautiful award...*tear*...

And now, Teletubbies....

Well, the purple one is very tall, which means that they are saying that gay people stand out the highest and proudest, you know. And that red one is wearing a feminist symbol on her head, so she's either a lesbian, or she's up to some trouble. Luckily they made her the smallest, so she's actually rather easy to knock down. But that green one! My God, he's got a big old penis coming out of the top of his head! We can't have that phallic symbol bouncing around on these television shows. I'm calling for a boycott of the green one. All of them condone too much television watching. And they way they worship that false sun god. Horrible.

It's enough to make me stay in bed forever, I swear.

Also what's very funny about all this was two months ago when the Po talking doll was out and people were screaming for a recall since it sounded like the doll was saying "Faggot, Faggot, Faggot, Faggot.. Bite my butt." So, really, are the Teletubbies pro or anti-gay? It would seem that Rev. Falwell would wholeheartedly endorse the Potty-Mouthed Po doll.

July 10 2000

Insomnia....sweet(yet bitter) insomnia...

Well Good Morning! Wow. Did I say that? Hoi. I think I need to find some new sleeping paterns, these ones really suck. Going to bed at 2am only to wake up at 5am (bright eyed and bushy tailed) hardly seems fair. 3 hours sleep. If you turn that around it says "Sleep 3 Hours." Subliminal message? I think so. What happened to the C who could go to bed at 2am and wake up 2pm? How I miss those days. W W, i really hate to trouble you but it would be nice if you would wake the hell up before ten so I can call you, or S, as much as I hate to be a pest CALL, PLEASE. hoi hoi hoi hoi hoi. I am not well. I need sleep don't you think. That ryhmes.......kinda......not really nevermind. Trichotillomania is the urge to pull out one's hair. Hey shelly, "fire up the bbq i caught me a brother." Uh, yeah. Vicki-thanx for being there when I layed on the store steps and coughed out a lung. That was nice of you. Hi Mom, I know your reading this. LaLa is the yellow one. I'm invisible and no one can see me. Or so says my icq...hmmm.
I believe it's time to listen to music. Those damn birds get pretty damn annoying. How can they be so chipper in the morning? I hate birds. No I don't I'm just saying that because they are right outside the freaking window! Music-good, birds-bad.
Argh! Sleep would be nice if I wasn't so aggravatingly awake. Is aggravatingly a word? Well it should be. I'm hungry. Why can't McDonalds open at 5:58, and be right across the street from my house? Here's a list of thing's I would/wouldn't do for an egg McMuffin right now.

I would walk over there in my jammies.
I wouldn't walk over there in a 30's house-wife style dress.

Ok that's it, too much html for me right now. Shut up! I know it's not that much! Butchie and Mike were here at like 11:30 last night. I told them that Jennifer Aniston wants them to go away.
I just realized that in the July 9th entry I actually wrote "squatting over a chamber pot." hoi. Some how Korn doesn't help headaches go away...maybe Rage Against The Machine will help.......................................nope. damn. farewell for now text editer, I am ready to save.

July 9 2000

Back in the day, "going to the bathroom" meant squatting over a chamber pot, then tossing its contents out of an upper-story window and onto unsuspecting passersby on the street. (Sometimes, when I stay over at W’s house, and a car alarm sounds its cacophonous "whoooooooop whoooooooop WEE-haw WEE-haw WEE-haw HONK HONK HONK HONK" at five-thirty in the damn morning, I long for this airborne sewage system of yore.) From there, "going to the bathroom" evolved into a more expeditionary process: stumbling and shivering outside in the dead of night with lantern in hand, dropping the seat of one’s union suit in the pitch-black privacy of the outhouse, and hoping fervently that an enterprising member of the animal kingdom hadn’t built a nest in the hole since one’s last visit. Fortunately, Sir Thomas Crapper saved us from these indignities by inventing the flush toilet. (No, not really, but I don’t know who did and I didn’t feel like phoning up the U.S. Patent Office and asking them to look it up for me.) Now, we can make a deposit, then push a lever and watch the fruits of our labors disappear. No more terrorizing innocent sidewalk denizens; no more fighting off clouds of flies; we live in the era of indoor plumbing. As with many of the good things in life, however, a few people ruin the fun for the rest of us by flouting basic bathroom etiquette. Perhaps you too have committed offenses against lavatory taste without even knowing it. Thus, I present a few tips for making the water closet experience more enjoyable for everyone.
AT SCHOOL
1. Don’t use the "poo stall" if you don’t have to, well, poo. (For the uninitiated, the poo stall is the stall furthest from the door. Most people automatically select the furthest stall when they have to pinch a loaf, since they don’t want to give anyone the opportunity to identify them while passing by. The increased distance from the door also gives the loaf-pincher the illusion of privacy and security.) You will inflict needless performance anxiety on those who really need the poo stall. 2. Make a command decision about washing your hands, and stick to it. If you don’t feel you’ve sullied your skin, don’t bother; if you’d like to scrub up, go for it. But don’t do that wimpy "I don’t want anyone to think I have poor hygiene habits, so I’ll make a great show of running the water and wasting several yards of paper towel, when in fact I only rinsed" thing. We all know you don’t wash your hands when you have the bathroom to yourself, because we don’t either, so save it for the screen test. 3. Check for feet before ragging on colleagues. 4. If you must rinse out your dishes, please wash all food particles and sauce droplets down the drain.

AT HOME Ahhhhh - the home-field advantage. On your own throne, you can sit down with the entire Sunday paper, hurl one through the hoop, realize you only have a few shreds of Scott Tissue left, stand up, hop across the bathroom with your skirt/pants around your ankles, grab a fresh roll, hop back, finish the Arts & Leisure section, hear the phone ringing, hurriedly get cleaned up, lurch off the pot, realize that your feet have fallen completely and irretrievably asleep, and collapse in a heap on the bathroom floor, shrieking, "PINS AND NEEDLES PINS AND NEEDLES!" At home, you always know who used the bathroom before you did, and you have as much room as you need to hike up your tights.

You would think that most of these things would go without saying. In fact, many of you probably think these things should remain unsaid. But hey - that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Not.

July 6 2000

What the hell is wrong with pop up banners? I especially hate the "Click here to Win!" and "Punch the monkey and WIN" ones. I personally have punched the monkey...and got taken to this retarded site where you have to click on a tree for like 5 hours before winning anything. Oh yes, and before I forget I would like to thank Anna for providing this topic...AND W in advance for the lovely award I am promised...
Back to the subbject, Does anyone want pop up banners? I think not. There is nothing I (or anyone) hates more then going to friend's sites and getting one of those little yahoo boxes in the corner, or one of those "WeLcOmE tO mY pAgE!" banners. Those are so annoying! If people insist on typing LiKe ThIs please DO NOT COME NEAR A COMPUTER. That kind of typing aggravates the hell out of people attempting to read it.

The 4th of July was 2 days ago why are people still setting off fire works?! All I hear after sundown is:

sscchhh

*whistle*

BOOM

Then the process repeats...over and over and over again. I've discovered that the application of a sandle to smmoth pavement makes the sound of a bottle rocket exploding. If you think that was an interesting discovery, now behold my "make your own non-fire fireworks.

Step1: Get a foam-ish sandle.

Step2: Get a candy wrapper. Practice making that high pitched whistle noise candy wrappers make when you blow on them.

Step3: After perfecting the art of paper whistling, perfect the art of slamming a sandle off the pavement so it "claps."

Step4: Find a helpful friend.

Step5: Teach your friend how to make the whistle/bang noise(s).

Step6: Get your friend to slam the sandle off the pavement after you make the whistle noise.

Step7: Whenever you hear a bottle rocket, m-80, chinkie, ¼ stick,or ½ stick...make your fake bottle rocket sounds and be proud.

July 3 2000

And now, the time you've all been waiting for... My Personal Organization Method!

In my room all the stuff looks like it's just heaped on the floor or piled on the desk, but actually, it's very organized. My system of organization is:(Step 1)Get a present, find something useful, or buy something.(Step 2) Think to yourself..."hmm, do i want this to stay nice and unbroken, or do i care what happens to it. (Step 3) After you decide on step2, you put it (if you were me) either on the floor, the chair, or the bed. Stuff that goes on hte bed inevitably has to move, so that's where temporary things go. Stuff that goes on the chair can stay or go depending on whether i want to sit down or not. Stuff on the floor, is temporary...to a point. If the thing(s) in question are in the middle of the floor, they have to move, right away. If they are off to the side or under the bed, they will stay there til next year.
Although it seems like my stuff is a mess, i actually know where everything is. My system is good because you don't have to clean alot.

And yes, here's your favorite part....the pissed off part.
I have a certain un-nameable friend, and a certain un-namealble cousin, who are friends. My friend, (we'll call her Siffany)'s mom HATES my cousin (we'll call him Sike). There, see? there's nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong. Siffany's mom won't let her anrond Sike. They are friends. They don't care what "Mrs. Siffany" says. But,, today they got caught hanging out. Sike called his Dad to tell him that "Mrs. Siffany" was yelling at him and calling him "a bastard." Poor Siffany is grounded for like 3 weeks now. That is NOT fair. I personally think that "Mrs. Siffany" needs to pull that branch out of her fat ass and realize that her daughter is 14, not 4. And she has frends. Friends that Mrs. Siffany doesn't necissarily like. So to all parents who keeps their kids locked away in a cage all day- GO TO HELL!

June 30 2000

Ok, for today I shall demonstate how insanely...insane commercials really are. Some of the things that are especialy annoying are:
Squeezing one drop of dishwashing liquid into a crusty casserole dish and expecting that drop to clean not only the dish but all the other gnarly plates and flatware in the sink.
Poking a twerp in a chef’s toque and neckerchief in the stomach, and smiling fondly when he says, "Hee heeeee!" I despise the Pillsbury Doughboy, and if he happened to stroll across my countertop and dispense baking advice, I would flatten the pasty little runt with a rolling pin and stuff him down the garbage.
Blowing bystanders away with my creative problem-solving techniques after eating a single mint. I have consumed literally thousands of Mentos in my life, and neither the traditional peppermint flavor nor the mixed-fruit variety enabled me to tackle predicaments with greater ease.
Judging the relative effectiveness of a diaper or pad with pale blue water. Let’s face it - if these products only had to block the egress of blue water, we wouldn’t care nearly as much whether they worked or not.
Smashing up a kitchen with a cast-iron skillet in order to demonstrate the dangers of heroin. I break enough stuff around the house without doing it on purpose, and besides, if people don’t already know that heroin will kill you, I don’t think my demolishing the fixtures will get the message across. And if you really want to warn kids away from heroin, shouldn’t the spokesmodel weigh more than ninety pounds? Just a thought.
Availing myself of a bargain calling plan by conversing with cartoon characters on the phone. Perhaps this one should read "needing a bargain calling plan when I already have more money than God in a bull market," but I probably don’t need to add that I wouldn’t waste my five-cent Sundays talking to Tweety Bird.
Memorializing freeze-dried coffee in song with my a cappella group. I hate that dumb crappy ad, I hate that dumb crappy song, I hate that dumb crappy "Rock-a-pella" group, I hate that dumb crappy blond guy and his dumb crappy goatee and his dumb crappy falsetto solo, and I would really really like to pour some boiling hot Folgers in his cup and see if he still calls it "the best part of waking up." I mean, the guy doesn’t just sing songs about coffee on a street corner - the guy PLAYS a guy who sing songs about coffee on a street corner. And the guy has not yet killed either himself or his agent.

June 29 2000

So many things have ticked me off lately I'm not sure where to begin. First off, I'm sick and tired of stupid people. I'm not talking about people with low IQs or people with learning disabilities. I mean otherwise smart people who act stupid.
Case in point: Warner Brothers had trouble deciding to put "The Matrix" on VHS. Why? Apparently Warner felt that the trenchcoat-wearing heroes would be a bit too similar to the Littleton, Colorado incident.
Let me see if I understand this.
Because of a horrible tragedy involving students, we are going to (essentially) ban a whole line of clothing? Trenchcoats = violence? What kind of screwed up mentality is that? American. (Before you send me hate mail, yes, I am an American and I love my country. I'm not complaining about the country, but just about some of its less intelligent citizens.)
You see, for a while now, people have gotten into their heads that the entertainment industry is to blame for society's problems. Not just movies, but music, video games, and the Internet.
Give me a freaking break. If a person kills or commits any crime, no one is to blame but the criminal. But in today's society, it is much easier to blame someone else. I don't care if you were beat as a child. I don't care if you're poor. If you commit a crime you deserve to go to jail and rot. There are plenty of people who suffered worse and did not commit a crime, so why should we excuse people the way we do?
What else is ticking me off? One of my favorite web sites, Movie-List, is being screwed with by Universal Pictures? Why? Well, the site, which hosts and links to movie trailers, was apparently violating Universal's copyrights. Even though it was free advertising for their movies, they complained. That's fine. The site owner took down the offending trailers, and replaced them with links to the trailers on other servers. I can more than understand Universal's desire to protect their copyright. I'm the same way when I find someone has stolen my work on the Internet. Again, though, I think Universal is being silly since the trailers amount to free advertising for their films.
Anyway, here is where things get surreal. After removing the links, Universal complains at the guy again. Apparently, they also want him to remove the links to the trailers as well. Links are copyrighted? Universal believes that by linking to a movie, such as The Story of Us and Dudley Do-Right, a law is being broken. Last time I checked, nothing in the law books prevents me from linking to your web site. You may not like it, but you can't prevent people from typing in direct links on their browser either.
Unfortunately, the site's ISP isn't helping matters either. They have basically told this poor guy that they have to do what Universal wants... legal or not. Their best tidbit of wisdom... when the site creator mentioned the fact the numerous search engines link to trailers as well, the response was: "You are not a registered search engine, therefore you cannot consider yourself under the same guidelines." A registered search engine? Where do I sign up for that?

(Yet another) June 29 2000

I'd like to write about something that is very important to me. It's something I feel that is the root of most of the problems we have today. What is the problem I'm talking about? Personal responsibility. I'm sickened by the amount of people who feel that they can do anything to anyone and them blame society, their parents, drugs, or whatever else is the current target. The general populace seems to feel like nothing is their fault. Maybe someone beats up their kid, or molests them. Do we treat them like the devils they are? Of course not. We are encouraged to feel sorry for them since their parents abused them as well.
Everyone has an excuse. A scape goat. A person/thing to blame for their misdeeds. As an example, consider the woman who recently sued the credit card companies in an effort to clear the debt she created by gambling online. She had racked up $70,000 playing at offshore casinos in 1997 and 1998. Her lawyer's reasoning is that the law in California does not like loans that are given out for gambling. Never mind the fact that this women gladly accepted the money from the credit card companies. Never mind the fact that no one twisted her arm or forced her to gamble. In the end, she chose to sue her way out of a bad situation instead of taking responsibility for the fact that she can't gamble for shit.
I don't know who to be more mad at here, the woman or the judge. Or perhaps the credit card companies for settling and not having the you know whats to fight her all the way to the Supreme Court. It's like suing a gun company for a murder committed with their product. Oh wait, we're already doing that. I'm sick and tired of the excuses. If you murder, rape, kill, or steal you have no one to blame but yourself. I imagine it's easier to blame someone else then to accept the basic fact that some people are evil, lazy, or simply have no morals. We hate to think that we're not all equal, bright and shiny happy people on the inside. But that just isn't so.
Please note that I'm not saying that I'm perfect in any way. Hell, I screw up. But I'd like to think I take responsibility for what I screw up. Maybe if we expected as much from everyone, we wouldn't have to deal with this kind of insanity anymore.

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