BONNIE PIERCE

Hi, I'm Bonnie Pierce. I live in Vancouver, Washington. I am married for 25 years to my husband Bill. We were college sweethearts. We waited 3 years to get married, and then a few more years to get pregnant with our first child. We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant! This was my husband's family's first grandbaby. It was the first baby in many years on my side. We waited to tell our out of town friends, but those around us could feel our joy.Things progressed along in the pregnancy until around October 15, 1977. We had family from out of town, and did a lot of walking around sight-seeing. I began to feel "wierd", and had a little cramping and a touch of spotting. The dr. said to rest and not worry about it. I can remember that a little before Halloween I said "our baby's dead. I just know it". Still the dr. assured me all was well, as I was feeling "the baby move". ( I later found out that what I thought was the baby moving, was the whole pregnancy detiorating, as I don't go into labor on my own) We bought our first house, and put up our new crib and dresser and started filling it with little baby clothes and blankets. In November, the dr. still did not get suspicious. He said as long as I was feeling movement, it was all fine. Ultrasounds were not given routinely at all at that time. By my December 10th appointment, when he still did not hear any heartbeat, he stood up, said "this is not viable" "you'll need an ultrasound" and walked out of the room. I lay on the examining table in shock. I couldn't believe that "viable" meant what I suspected it did. After 10 minutes or so he poked his head back in and said "aren't you getting dressed?" I stumbled out to the waiting room to where my husband was waiting for me, and barely made it to the car before I began to bawl. They had set up my ultrasound for Christmas eve. I was deep into grief and shock.

My husband's birthday is December 14, and I had planned a big surprise party for him. I didn't want to do it anymore.....I was so sad knowing I was carrying my dead baby. On December 14, I began to spot some.... I went to the hospital. Because I was 6 months along, before they admitted me, I had to fill out a death certificate. They scheduled an ultrasound right there. I was not allowed to look at the picture....but the attendant's face said a lot. Dr. after Dr. came in to look at it. Finally they said "it looks like a molar pregnancy" and that I would have a D&C the next day. Because it was a molar, nothing ever happened with the death certificate. I guess they just ripped it up, adding further to my grief. I had nothing to show for 6 months of hopes and dreams..... We had just sent out all the Christmas cards the day before my dr. appointment, announcing to the world the joy we felt because we were going to be parents! I couldn't even read the Christmas cards that people sent, all their good wishes for us. My hubby had to write to everyone about our loss.. I just couldn't do it. Friends tried to help.... but somehow "I'm sorry about your 'medical condition' " just made me feel so bad. No one wanted to talk to me about it. I called my best friend, long distance, who'd been there for me since 1st grade to tell her. She was just going out the door, and didn't have time to talk to me. (Ironically, she had just gotten pregnant, and a few months later, she lost her baby........she went on to have 5 children, but she suffered 15 miscarriages along the way. I was able to be there for her in a way I couldn't have been before, and she apologized profusely once she realized how painful it had been for me...)

I knew I had to do something to get through the lonely, empty days and nights. My hubby was strong and silent, never even shed a tear! He was so worried about me, that he would not admit any weakness (as in, grieving) I pulled away from him, from everyone. I began to plan a garden. I would lie in bed at nite and focus on beautiful flowers in my mind. Spring found me out in the dirt, planting tons of flowers..tending my garden.

Through the years, I've tried to forget and heal.... but each year around November 1 I would get so sad. I would cry alot. All the memories... all the Christmas activities were tied up in feelings of loss and anguish for me. I had to wait for a year after my loss to try to get pregnant again. I conceived immediately! My son Tim was born in 1979. I was so happy! I barely even let him out of my arms for the first 6 months! Yet, still....the holiday season was bittersweet for me... a new baby.... but he could not replace my first.

We went on to have two more children. Katie, born in 1982, and son TJ born in 1987. They are delightful, and the loves of my life! And yet still.....every winter, I was filled with such sadness......and no one to talk to about it. About 10 years after our baby died...after we had our last baby, my hubby finally broke down and cried and cried for our loss. He had been denying his feelings for so long. We decided to name our baby Kevin Nathaniel Pierce. We told our children about their brother. They love him and are looking forward to seeing him in heaven. Just this year, 22 years later, my hubby is really wanting to find ways to commemorate our baby. He ordered a plaque for the memory garden in our local cemetary with our baby's name and birth/death date. He got me a mother's ring with 4 stones, one for each of our babies. He gave it to me on Kevin's anniversary.

I found Kendra's website last fall, when I began to feel so depressed. We talked and shared tears.... and I was excited when she talked of forming a support group!!! I have been so grateful for this chance to talk to others..... in helping them to heal their fresh wounds, I have been able to help lay some of my old wounds to rest. I will never forget my baby Kevin, but I have a feeling next Christmas will be a little brighter for me. Instead of trying to "forget" for most of the year, I am grieving a little day by day. It is so very comforting to know that there are others who share my sadness and feelings of loss. Thank you everyone for being here..... and ......big hugs to all of you......