SUSAN JACIOW

My name is Susan Jaciow. I met my husband, Brad, 9 1/2 years ago while we were in college. I finished my six months of student teaching in time for us to get married in July 1994. A year later we bought our first house and got a dog. I was teaching and he was working for a print broker. I had everything going the way I planned it would be. When we were married almost three years we decided to start our family. We got pregnant quickly and 9 months later, on March 23, 1998, we welcomed our son Blake into the world and our family. I had everything.

Shortly after Blake turned a year old we found a new house to move into since our old one was busting at the seams. We had talked about more children but weren't ready just yet.

In the beginning of September 1999, Brad came home from a business trip to announce he was ready to have another baby. Right after Thanksgiving our wishes were confirmed with a positive pregnancy test from the doctor. December was a busy month. I had my feelings of pregnancy but nothing out of the norm. I wasn't that sick with Blake so I didn't think anything of it. My appointment at nine weeks seemed to go as planned and I left after making an appointment for four weeks later.

February 1st arrived. My husband and I were very excited to hear the heartbeat. I went to my appointment. When the doctor came in he told me his Doppler had a loose wire and he had been having trouble with it all morning. After a few minutes of not hearing anything, he went and borrowed his partner's. He came in and told me he could never get her's to work right. My doctor and I are on very good terms and the three of us joked as he tried to find the heartbeat. After a few more minutes he told me he would stop the suspense and send me down the hall for an ultrasound.

I went into the room holding my husband's hand. The tech was very nice and asked us what the reason for the ultrasound was. We informed him that the doctor was having trouble with the equipment and so he sent us down. I noticed the screen was turned from me which was not the case with the ultrasound I had with my son. This irritated me and I kept asking the tech what was going on. My husband could see the screen but didn't have much expression to read. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the tech turned the screen and said, "I'll show you what's going on." These moments are buried in my head forever. I immediately noticed there was no movement on the screen. He pointed out the sac and the baby. I asked about the heartbeat and he said there wasn't one. I started to cry. The tech left to get the doctor. When he came in he was as dumbfounded as we were. He apologized and said he thought it was the equipment, not the baby. I was scheduled for the d&c and went home to mourn the loss of my baby.

The next two weeks were tough, but I had been told we could try again after one month. Then I went in for a follow-up appointment....more bad news. The pathology report showed a hydatidiform mole. This means a lot of things: weekly blood tests, waiting for hCG levels to go to zero, monthly blood tests, and no pregnancy for at least six months. I was devistated. I am at zero now with hopes of trying to conceive in September. This is a lesson in patience. One I am trying to learn.